I’m trying to put out here this time around a little about me personally. Not my HIV, not my health kicks, not my words of encouragement, or anything about getting your life in order. This time, it’s just a little about the boy some people call Nate, others call Nathaniel, and some even just call ‘N’.
Recently I have really struggled trying to get my head into writing. By nature I’m not a writer. I have never really gotten in to it. I have tried, and actually would enjoy being able to just sit down and write something worthwhile. Sometimes when I do get into a writing mode, I have to admit that I can write some fairly decent stuff. I have even been called a poet once or twice, which I find amusing, because I have never really written any form of poetry. I even started writing a story many years ago when I was a lot younger with grand visions that it would be published in to a book one day. That story is still there, put away somewhere with the plan and hope even that I would be able to write more on it and even finish it.
I started writing my blog to get some thoughts out of me and in to the wide world. It has been great, but I sometimes feel that I have dried up and have nothing else to say. I know this is not true, and we all have something important to share with the world.
Over the last year and a bit as I write for PositiveLite.com, I struggle and panic when it comes to putting something down in writing. I get caught up on my self-imposed expectation that I have produce something worth reading. And then get all panicked when I know I need to submit something. For me personally it’s more than writers block, its losing focus quickly and being distracted by the pretty things around me. I was never good at school assignments, and always tended to be the guy who did them at the last minute, but who hasn’t done that, right?
I wish I had the patience to do more with my life… (I want chocolate now)… and be one of those people who is able to sit down and write. Don’t get me wrong! I sometimes get in to a zone and write away, with some fairly good results, but these are rare times. I usually get stuck on topics, or things that would be of interest. I read quite a bit, and find that I try to write on things that either haven’t been written or try a different perspective on a known topic. Maybe this is why I find it such a struggle to write?
My thought process is also very scattered, and I find myself writing one thing, changing it, writing it again, changing it again, and then moving it into a different section of an article. I have already done this a few times with this article, and still it is all over the place. SMILEJ! I guess I want you to see what happens in my mind a little without scaring you off too much.
In my work, I need to be acutely focused on the task at hand, and have to manage a team that needs clear and precise direction This is very draining on me, and I often get home from work so exhausted and tired that the best thing for me is that down time. Hmm, maybe that’s why I get so distracted by the little things. It’s just my mind and body’s way of winding down, and relaxing or zoning out.
Many years ago I was taught that when you walk out of the office or your work environment at the end of the day, you need to switch that off. This is something I have practised for so many years now, I don’t even think about it.
Trying to stay focused on the important things is hard on its own. Trying to be less distracted by things of little importance is also very hard to do. I get easily distracted by these so called less important things. Way beyond down time. Way beyond sensibility. Way beyond the perceived normal. Maybe I have a form of ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), but this has never been considered or diagnosed... (Oh look at the pretty bird)… In the grand scheme of things, we are all a little crazy, and this is what makes us who we are. I do love hanging with my friends, and spending time with them, but I tend to get bored quickly, and start to zone out. I don’t do it on purpose, it’s just me.
I find it so much easier to zone the world out for hours, and sometimes days. I love watching all forms of movies, but mostly the classic ‘B grade’ horrors and thrillers. These types of movies are sometimes so bad, that they are brilliant. The video store I go to knows me very well. I oftenfeel like a little kid in a toy store when they call me over and say, ’I have something you may enjoy’. These can keep me entertained for hours on end, and before I know it another full day doing nothing has come and gone, and still I have so much to accomplish… (How did that fork get there?)...
Can you smile and accept this crazy boy for who he is? Most will say yes, until they spend some time with me and realise, that maybe they really meant no. It doesn’t bother me, I actually think it’s okay. Everyone has their own likes and dislikes. As much as I am not a mean person, I tend to grate on people, but it’s just me, so they can either accept it or not. My thought process is also one that can take people time to work out. I don’t think in straight lines, and process my surroundings in a very quick manner. This is what sometimes bothers people, and that I do it alone, then get them to join me on my journey.
I love being with people, especially with some of my closest friends to just hang out. We only see each other every few weeks, but when we do, it’s like we only saw each other yesterday. This is what it’s about, just living life. These friends of mine are honestly the closest friends I have. They are the same ones I came out to first, and also the ones who have been through it all with me. I think we all need these people in our lives. I love them also, because they help my distractions, and get me focused sometimes, rarely, not enough, maybe not really.
So there you have it. Something to either laugh at or not. I hope you actually got a little smile out of my craziness, and scattered thought process. I have tried to keep this one as raw as possible, although me and my anal retentiveness have changed it a few times already. (Did I wash the dishes this morning?)