In a previous post I mentioned how I had an anal pap smear and that the test came back with abnormal cells. The frustrating part with that diagnosis is, it isn’t a diagnosis. That’s all they know until further examination. So I had to meet with a butt doctor to find out if it was serious or not.
I met with the butt doctor and he said that he was concerned about the cells but when examining inside my butt, he noticed some warts and lesions that he wanted to remove. So I was scheduled for aminor surgery at the end of November.
The surgery may have been minor to them but afterwards I was traumatized.
Let’s start at the beginning I show up at the hospital to register for surgery. I tell them my name and they bring me to the back to wait outside the operating rooms. A rather large man sits beside me and starts talking to me. He asks what doctor I am seeing. We both happen to have the same doctor. He tells me about how he has a hole in his colon and how he is there to have them change his diaper. I respond with “Oh I see, mmm okay.” What else do you say to that? I look at my phone, in the hopes he stops talking to me. Thankfully the nurse calls my name.
She takes me over to a table and we confirm my information and what medications I am on. We confirm the procedure I am having and all that fun stuff. I am taken into the operating room – it is minor surgery so I am not being put under. She is there, the doctor and two other nurses. The nurse that brought me in says “okay pull your pants and underwear down to your ankles and get on the table with your butt pointing towards the door". I look around and realize I am expected to drop my pants and underwear right in front of them, no privacy. I don’t even get to take my pants off all the way. I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles, I am quickly regretting wearing my fluorescent pink Calvin Klein briefs, as I am feeling very self-conscious. I hobble over to the table and hop up – my butt pointing towards the door.
The doctor aggressively grabs my butt cheek and pipes freezing into my butt. They put a “grounding pad” on my arm so I don’t get electrocuted. Awesome - that’s not upsetting at all! Basically the doctor is going to be welding inside my butt to remove the lesions and warts. They call it cauterizing. Before he starts he says, “if it starts getting uncomfortably hot in your butt let me know and we can take a break.” I respond with “uh okay.” I really wish I wasn’t awake for this.
He starts welding inside my ass and the heat is really uncomfortable but doesn’t hurt so I don’t say anything. I want this to be over as quickly as possible. All of a sudden I feel a wicked pain and a shock through my ass. I scream and kick my legs up. He stops and says, “Oh did you feel that?” I apologize for kicking my legs and a tear runs down my eye. He says, “Hmm I think most of that must have been the electricity or the freezing didn’t get everywhere.” I lay there with my dick and ass exposed, thinking about how my anus just got electrocuted. He pipes more freezing in and starts again. I hear him say to the nurse can you turn it up to 70. I think to myself what the fuck – you just electrocuted my anus and your turning up the thingy. NO!
He says to the nurse "can you lift that butt cheek more". So she aggressively lifts my butt cheek higher. Is my butt cheek really that big and in the way?
He keeps going and we are finally near the end. All of a sudden he says, “Oh wow there is a lot of bleeding. There was a hemorrhoid on top of that wart; it’s causing lots of bleeding. If your still bleeding lots tonight and there are blood clots coming out make sure you go to emergency.” I respond with nervousness in my voice “ummmmm okay.”
He is finally done torturing my anus and the nurse says I can get up off the table. I get up – with my bits and butt fully exposed and she hands me this giant maxi pad to put in my underwear for the bleeding. I look at in disbelief and think to myself “do woman really use these – it’s fucking gigantic.” I stand there with my pants around my ankles and put the maxi pad in my underwear. I realize I put it in the center of my underwear and think to myself “I don’t have a vagina, its needs to go further back for my butt.” I move the maxi pad further back and finally get to pull up my pants.
I stand there traumatized, waiting for further instruction. The nurse asks the doctor “is it okay if he goes now?” He said “oh yeah, you can go, call and make a follow up appointment in three months.” I say thank you (what am I thanking him for? He just tortured my ass) and I slowly walk out of there in a haze. I make it to the parkade and get into my car. I sat there for about five minutes, in disbelief of what just happened to my poor butt.
I snap out of it and I say to myself, "well I guess I better go buy some maxi pads if there is going to be lots of bleeding." I go to Superstore and I awkwardly stand in the maxi pad aisle – how do I choose? There are so many to choose from. I decide I want to buy the smallest ones, as the one I have in my underwear right now is gigantic and very uncomfortable. If I was a woman I would only use tampons, this thing is so uncomfortable. I find the cheapest and smallest ones. Right when I grab them, I see a woman looking at me. I look at her and she is buying men’s deodorant. We look at each other awkwardly and I run away. Thank god for self-checkout!
Well guess what? I bought the damn maxi pads for nothing. There was barely any bleeding so I didn’t need to use another one. I ended up throwing them out. None of my lady friends use maxi pads; they describe it as wearing a diaper. I know what they mean.