I met Brian at an HIV support group I used to attend. After the meeting we shared some conversation which led to complete laughter and comedy about the group, which led us to hang out more.

It wasn't long before I invited him to go out on a photo safari and through the magic of photography we've become pretty close. However the friendship is not like any other friendship I share with my other friends.  Brian is gay and HIV positive and my close circle of friends is straight and HIV negative. Our friendship is unique and comes with plenty of challenges, but as is the case with anything worth keeping in my life, Brian is both special and dear to me. I thought it would be very cool to interview him so he could share a small part of his awesome story with my readers.

Kengi: What's up Brian? Thanks so much agreeing to this interview. 

Brian: Thank you for asking me. I'm very excited about it.

Kengi: So, you've been living with HIV for 12 years and sober for 3 years, but things have not always been as they are now. You've had to fight many things to get where you are today. Tell our readers just a little about that.

Brian: Yes, that is true, but to be honest I lived in denial of my HIV for ten years or more. I've been able to break the cycle of denial as a result of being clean and sober for three years.

Kengi: Now when you were diagnosed with HIV, you were also diagnosed with diabetes as well, right?

Brian: Yes, that is true. Currently I'm taking oral medications and by changing my diet as well as getting proper exercise, I hope to one day stop taking these oral medications.

Kengi: I recall you saying that for a while you hid behind your diabetes diagnosis and HIV was something you would take with you to your grave. Why was that?

Brian: The day I was diagnosed I decided right then and there that I would never tell anyone .I was not going to be associated in any way with HIV.That would be the ultimate secret that I take to my grave. Diabetes was my disease and I would use it to explain any illness or other conditions.

Kengi: How much does your sobriety play a role in your HIV diagnoses?

Brian: It plays a huge role. If I wasn't for my sobriety I'm pretty sure I'd still be in denial about HIV, I wouldn't be taking care of my overall health. and I'd still be engaging in risky unprotected sexual behavior.

Kengi:  How hard is it to live each day clean and sober?

Brian:The hardest thing for me is to make sure my daily life is structured around my sobriety. If not I can quickly slip back into my alcoholic, addict selfish and self centered behavior

Kengi:  Has it been hard to establish new healthy friendships and release any secrets you've kept?

Brian:  Yes, it's  hard and establishing new healthy friendships is still a work in progress on my part. As for my secrets, that too is something I must work on daily. Right now I'm a work in progress, my biggest concern is, no longer living in the shame of my secrets.

Kengi: Recently you shared with me that you disclosed to your father. Was that as hard as you thought it would be?

Brian: You know Kengi, disclosing to my father, surprisingly,  wasn't hard at all. It was something I wanted to do in my own time and on my own terms, but to be honest all the fear of it was all in my head.

Kengi: You once told me that you're learning the truth about yourself and it isn't so bad. What does that mean?

Brian:  I was referring to some personal issues I'm working through in therapy and that everything I beleived about myself isn't all bad. The day I mentioned this was one of the best days I've had so far in therapy.

Kengi: After all that you've been through, you've decided to be part of a film called Breaking the Silence. What has being part of this film meant to you?

Brian: First of all, I'm honored to be a part of this film. For me this film has meant that I get to break my own silence about living in denial, shame, fear and stigma about my HIV diagnoses, sharing all that I've been through openly and out loud. This film has also opened my eyes to the tremendous lack of access to services of minorities, predominatel, the African American communities. Most of all it's allowed me to be heard in my own voice and in my own words.

Kengi: You've also become a shutterbug?

Brian: Yes, I have. I've been exploring all aspects of picture taking including subscribing to photography magazines and going on photo safaris with my friends. I was part of my first art show for World AIDS Day and looking forward to the ENUF Art Show in June for National HIV Awareness Month. It's been a very relaxing and stress-releasing hobby for me. I'm enjoying it very much.

Kengi: Brian, thanks for taking the time to do this interview and share a small part of your amazing story us.

Brian: Thank you for asking Kengi. It was my pleasure.

My circle of friends is pretty eclectic, representing very diverse backgrounds and life experiences. Brian is no exception to this. Although our friendship presents challenges, there is something about him that tells me to stay the course. There's this shine in his eyes that comes through every now and then and the trace of joy and fulfillment that shines bright when he's able to let his guard down and relax. At the end of the day, he truly is a work in progress and I am honored to be able to see the transformation taking place right before my eyes.

It's been one strange winter here in the Great White North. The city I live in, I'd have to say we've only had about 20 - 25 inches of snow all winter, at least that's what it seems like to me. Normally we could get that much in a couple of days. I think its safe to say we've had more rainfall than snow. Having a lot of rain and it being so cold, it hasn't been ideal weather to get out and do much photography.

You might remember me writing about falling and hurting my shoulder, I slipped on a muddy trail, not ice. It's been more than two months and the dang thing hasn't healed completely yet. I'm guessing older bones take longer to heal, yeah, I'll go with that.

I had to say goodbye to one of my photography friends, the gentleman from China. He went home in early January. I told him to keep taking pictures, make time for it. Life there for him is so busy, he told me there isn't much time for recreation. I've only heard from him once and he did send some pictures he took. I was able to meet a few other hobby photographers in my area when I was brave enough to get out, and they were also on flickr.com as well so its easier to stay in touch.

Through these guys, I've found out that we have coyotes in our area now and right in the downtown area. My city has grown a lot in the last 10 years with communters from Toronto; they are building in to and around the natural habitats for most of the wildlife. Other towns are becoming closer, there is no place for these wild animals to go except into towns and the cities looking for food.

Also spotted in the area are an American Bald Eagle, Red-tailed Hawks, owls, mink, beaver, foxes and of course deer. I think I have to get out more now, I just wish I was still able to drive.

In the pictures I have included here you will be able to take a flight or a stroll with the Canada Geese, sail the skies with the urban seagull. There are male and female Mallard ducks, my favourite, the male Hooded Merganser, a female common merganser on the log, a Pintail duck, a male woodpecker, the upside down Nuthatch, a grey Junko, a couple of morning doves, a finch and my all time favourite bird, the male Cardinal.

 

It’s noon, I just finished having my breakfast!. Usually I have a banana and a bowl of cold cereal, I use the left over milk in the bowl to take some supplements. As I reach for the supplements and what do I see, my HIV medications and I realize I haven't taken them yet. This is nothing new for me, it happens often, maybe too often.

A typical morning starts this way: I wake up, head upstairs to start the morning coffee. I go to the fridge for the coffee and, if I remember, I get one of my medications, one that has to be refrigerated. I'll put it in my pocket. I finish making the coffee and then head back downstairs. Most days I will remember the pill is in my pocket but some days, I'll find it there several hours later. There was this one time when I never remembered until late in the evening so I thought I would switch the time I take them to before bed, this might be the solution for me. The med that needs to be refrigerated is a booster for one of the other pills so it seemed to be re-energizing me.  I never felt sleepy when midnight or 1 a.m. rolled around; I’d be awake until three or four in the morning.

I know it’s important for me to take the medications at the same time every day. My doctor had me complete a survey to see if I was ready and totally committed to taking them correctly. At the time I started them, the rule to follow was if the CD4 count went down to 350 I would have to start medications. We did one final test to see if they were going to go down further and they did -  I had gone down to 330. I was beginning to experience some physical health issues, so I had to leave my job. Some of it was due to side effects from the meds but I had some other issues that weren't allowing me to function well, especially first thing in the morning.

That was back in July 2010; it’s been a year and a half now. Yesterday I had to ask what day it was, Monday or Tuesday? This not working and being able to sleep in has made it impossible to set up a schedule and adhere to it. There are nights still where I can't sleep until about 3 or 4 in the morning; when I finally do fall sleep it might only be for 3 hours, sometimes 6 hours, it depends. I thought of setting the clock and waking up at the set time, take the meds and go back to bed if I could or felt I needed more sleep. The problem I had with that was remembering to set the alarm before bed.

As for my counts, well, they haven't bounced back very high. One recent test they were at 380 and then back down to 350 on the next  one, so all I seem to be doing is "hangin' in there baby". This would explain my lack of energy and becoming very lazy, resulting in yet another few pounds on the old body. Factor in this strange winter weather, a lot of grey days and rain and I just don't feel motivated to go out, not even for my favourite hobby, photography.

Oh, what to do? I think I will have to buckle down and treat the taking of my meds as a job, set that clock every night, wake up and do the job and get on with my day. I believe if I do this, my counts will climb higher, at least I hope they do.

For more information on the Importance of treatment adherence, check out this on CATIE.

Editors Note:  Another recommended site for treatment adherence ideas is that of pharmacist Bill Larson, here. Watch for a seriies of guest posts from Bill on this topic on PositiveLite.com soon.

 

Have you ever heard the phrase, "one hand doesn't know what the other hand is doing"? No, this isn't going to be another masturbation blog. It isn't based on the real meaning of the phrase either, instead, my one hand had to learn how to do what the other hand normally did.

A week ago I had gone out with a friend for breakfast. As I got in the car he asked where my camera was. I am rarely seen without my backpack and cameras but lately, it’s been so wet or cold, for some reason this year I haven't had the same need to be out there. It’s winter here but there hasn't been much snow this year, just a lot of rain and it isn't good to be wet when the weather is this cold.

However, this particular day, it felt almost like spring. The sun came out so when I was dropped off, I got the camera and headed out. Well, I was walking along the river downtown and thought I'd go down this embankment to the edge of the water. Wrong decision. The trail was a little muddy and I didn't have much tread on the shoes I was wearing, I fell. I landed on my right shoulder and I could hear the crunching as I landed. Slowly it got sore and then got unbearable, I couldn't move it much without a lot of pain.

I pulled out my phone and called a family member to come and get me and take me to the hospital. I could sense the feeling of, "what did you do now"? Ummm, this isn't a common thing, I don't have many accidents.

It turned out it wasn't as serious as I had thought, just a slight separation of the collarbone and nothing broken. It sure is taking its time getting better. I have broken the left side collarbone twice and had the rotator cuff repaired before. I am right handed so this has been quite the opposite experience. Most things, I now had to do with my left hand, I won't list them all here but you can probably guess what the list would include. Raising my arm isn't that easy still, so I haven't been doing much typing on the computer, just clicking and reading things. Luckily for me, this isn't a world where you do much writing anymore.

I was explaining to Bob, my editor here on PositiveLite.com, that I may not get anything in to him for a while, I was on the injury list. He just told me to take it easy and send something when I could. He asked if I had taken anything interesting lately so I thought of doing this as a new blog posting, another one with some of my photos. These have been taken during the fall and some were taken in December and January. The one of the concrete carving of the head with a smoke in it, its the most viewed one on my flickr.com page. I put it out on twitter and it really drew attention, The last count I saw was 256 views, Most of my pics only get 20 or 30. It could be because I named the picture "Stoned". Hmmm!

I really want this shoulder to heal:  I want to get out and get back to my hobby.

More of my photos can be found here.

It's Monday night at 11:39 pm and I've just come in from hanging out with some of the guys from the HIV support group that I have the honour to attend from time to time. Afterwards, about 10 or so of us went out to have coffee at a local diner. It's been a while since I've been to the group because many people I do HIV peer support and education for also attend the group. I want them to be able to express themselves without feeling like I am there to observe them.

However tonight I needed to be around people who have been in this struggle for some time, to take in some of their wisdom. I also wanted to be around the people who are newly diagnosed and maybe offer them a glimmer of hope. I am very glad I took time out to do this for myself.

When I think of World AIDS Day, so much comes into my mind, so many feelings, some good and some bad, but right now I'd like to simply take a moment to honour all those who have lost their life to AIDS, including members of my own family and close friends of my family. I also want to honour four men that lost their battle with AIDS. It is because of them that I work so hard at trying to make things better for others.

When I think of what World AIDS Day represents for me, it represents LIFE, but more so, an abundant life, filled with my awesome circle of friends, colleagues and supporters. I live full of joy and even a bit of pain. But at the end of the day I have the ability to wake up with full activity in my limbs, a sound mind and the with thehonour of serving those now LIVING with HIV as best I can.

I think about what I've been able to contribute in the few years that I've been fully engaged in helping to be the change I want to see in the world. Involved with speaking at the local and even national level, I must say that I'm very proud of the work that I've been able to carry out for the good of humanity.

As I type this I am reminded of words from a speech from Dr. Martin Luther King that so eloquently says “I may not get to there with you........” and my eyes begin to fill with tears - not of sadness, but of great joy. Because I know that one day people will look back on this and say “remember when HIV and AIDS . . . ” , While some will be able to recall the days of this pandemic, there will those who will not; it will be a thing of the past. I know the work that I do today is not for me, but for those who will come after me. I guess the more I live and the older, -  even wiser  - I get, I know that change may sometimes be things I work on, but not actually see.

The words to the old gospel song say “we must work while the sun is shining. We must keep our lamps trimmed and burning and know that our labour is not in vain, because late in the midnight hour, God's gonna turn it around and it's gonna work in my favour. I must work, I must work, I must work.”

This weekend I will join other HIV positive artists in the World AIDS Day Art Walk at the Gay and Lesbian Center here in Los Angeles. I am showing my paintings and photography. My goal is to be that light that I used to hear my great grandma speak up. That bright and morning star that shines so that others can have hope and see their way. She used to tell me that I never needed to be the biggest or the brightest light. I just needed to be one light in a sea of lights, so that others who are discouraged, wounded, angry, lost and bewildered may see the path that keeps them from stumbling or falling along the wayside. That guard rail and the sharp turn that protects people from going over, that gentle voice that reassures, calms and understands.

My artwork and photography will represent, pay honour and respect those who have come before me, but encourage, smile at and brighten the path of those who will come after me. My friend Travis once said “I want to knock a dent in this (HIV)” So with each day I raise I will do my best to knock a dent in HIV on my side of the world.

I may be shattered in many ways, but I am far from broken. I might even be wounded from all that I've been allowed to see, but time will heal. Many of us have loads that are hard to bear, long days and nights with no sun in the sky, so for them I will rise each and every day, as long as there is life in this body and I will shine this light, work while it is day to lighten the load, ease the burden. Because I know that one day this will all be over. The work will be done, the road will be paved, the storm will have passed and souls will be whole.

World AIDS Day........everyday represents an ABUNDANT LIFE filled with LOVE for mankind. It represents hope for a brighter day. It represents the God in me that sees the God in you and it bows to its greatness. Ma use to tell me "the race is not given to swift or the strong, but to those who are willing to see things through to the very end and sometimes baby, you don't get to see the end. Just know that when you are called to a higher state of being, when you apply for a job of service, God will call on you to do things that are beyond you. When it is all said and done it will always fall right into place. There is no self in selflessness."

I can see LOVE and there's nothing higher than this. CHOOSE LOVE

So this year, beside 6,000 zombies shuffling around the streets of west-end Toronto, there was a zombie wedding.

The bride, Thea Munster, 38, arrived in a coffin. Organ music played. Dry ice drifted across the stage. She wore white, with a pretty bouquet of white lilies, miniature skulls and skeletal fingers. The groom, Adam Pearson 29, looked – errrmm - dusty, earth still clinging to his morning jacket, as happens sometimes with the undead.

“Today, their relationship changes,” said the minister conducting the marriage ceremony. “All of us know it will continue to rot and become putrid and bug-infested. Indeed this day is a day in which Adam and Thea demonstrate their devotion to eating human flesh as well as their faith in love and one another.”

If this sounds bizarre – and it was a real wedding by the way, not fake – it was an event entirely in keeping with the spirit of Toronto’s 2011 Zombie Walk. It’s an event which tends to draw blank looks from even seasoned Torontonians. It seldom makes the papers, but draws a large crowd – hipsters, counter-culture types, even moms and dad with kids in tow, out for a good time.  It’s pure unadulerated fun, albeit with a macabre twist.

The macabre is what these pics are all about. There is home-made video I put  together at the end too.  Enjoy.