Listen, I get it! We are all doing our own thing. . . outreach, prevention, testing and much more. Kudos to all of you who are getting their hands in the mix of the work that is necessary to care for those living with HIV/AIDS and necessary to educate those not living with HIV/AIDS to prevent contracting this virus and other STI's / STD's as well as to combat stigma and to get tested!

On a serious note. . . I hear the following being repeated a lot (in fact I hear myself saying this too) . . . "UGH! Why, why, why is HIV/AIDS conversation swept under the rug? Why is no one talking about it anymore? Why has our nation. . . why has the world gone quiet on this epidemic?" And then we point the finger of blame. . .

So, rather than being one of the cooks in the kitchen complaining about the problem by pointing a finger, I have decided to team up with five other incredible HIV/AIDS activists/advocates to begin a global trend setting Twitter initiative and our vision is to reignite the conversation of HIV/AIDS: HashTag HIV: Let's Trend Until the End. Reality is, I need to point the finger back on myself, because I have not been much of a team player, because for too long I was doing my own thing. It is time for me to make a change and become a team player and that change starts right now and I hope you will follow.

Many of you probably know who we are: There is me - Daniel Bauer (escape artist and founder of LivingPozitively.com), Robert Breining (Founder and Host of Poz I Am Radio / Social Network), Jeromy Dunn (Founder of PozitivelySpeaking.com and Co-host, Poz I Am Radio), Mitch Knapp (HIV Activist in the rural south), Aaron Matthew Laxton (YouTube super-star and founder of My HIV Journey), and Kevin Maloney (Founder of Rise Up to HIV and an employee at Community Access National Network

So what's #HIV: Let's Trend Until the End all about: We believe as a team that millions and millions of people are using Twitter to quickly disseminate information about the hottest topics people are talking about! We believe that together, as a community, we can set #HIV, #AIDS as a Twitter trend catapulting awareness back to the top of conversation around the world!

So here's where you come in. . . it's time to become a team player. During the week of the International AIDS Conference (July 22-27, 2012 in Washington, DC) we are asking everyone with a Twitter account to consistently and frequently use the hashtags: #HIV #AIDS and #IAC in all your Tweets. If you do not have a Twitter account, maybe it's time to get one, even if it's just for the purpose of helping to set the trend. You can simply go to www.twitter.com and sign up!

The HashTagHIV Team will be Tweeting from now on (and forever) to help set this trend. . . so please follow @HashTagHIV to get the latest information, updates and stats about how we are doing! Also, please, please add yourself to the HashTag HIV Facebook event to let the world know you and/or your organization is signing up as a team player!

Reality is we [six guys] can't do this alone. YOU. . . YOUR ORGANIZATION. .. YOUR FRIENDS are going to be the key elements of making this CAMPAIGN A SUCCESS!

So TEAMWORK - ACTIVATE! Let's Set the Trend!!!!  Together we will reignite the conversation about #HIV #AIDS!

I am Daniel, and I am living pozitively! Thank you for following my blog.

HIV-positive New York magician and public speaker Daniel Bauer was interviewed by PositiveLIte.com’ Bob Leahy in September 2011 here.   Read about his upcoming New York show Beyond Belief here 

Bio: I’m Jan, 22, residing in Singapore. I’m an aspiring… something. I’ll let you what that is when I figure it out. Until then, I’ve allowed my government to decide what I need to be for the next two years – a soldier. Drafted into the local army by compulsory service, I am hoping that it treats me as well as the pornographic fantasies filmed in army barracks. That, or I will forever live with the regret of opting to not take up the exemption extended to HIV+ individuals. But hey, I told myself my virus will not be a deterrent to living my dreams (and fantasies), even if it’s never again bareback.

I’m creator of SilenceSg.org, a local campaign for youth that tackles STDs I also sometimes write on my personal blog, where I hope to serve as a warning sign to others who are taking the road I did, to proceed with care - not with the reckless abandon I once had.

“Hi, I’m Jan and I’ve been living with HIV for almost two years. I was diagnosed with HIV even before I legally entered adulthood…”  It’s an introduction that’s unfortunately becoming surprisingly unsurprising, even common. What would have sounded shocking years ago would today garner but a few raised eyebrows.

Truth is, people have become oblivious to the virus, and resultantly, from those of us suffering from it. T The modern-day politically-correct term would be people living with HIV, but I think this does disservice to the people who have valiantly campaigned before us. You do not just ‘live’ with cancer or any other disease, it is a tough walk - and while most of us manage, it is can be tortuous. There is no other way around this truth. The desensitization from years of campaigning by those before me, who bore messages of hope and called for urgency, is in full effect. At the very verge of my teen-hood, I contemplated how I would lend my voice to the resounding echoes of those who stood before me, as an adult.

I realize we’ve got most bases covered. We have the activists who continually spread hope covered. We have the drug companies encouraging people by extending a lifeline so long as we can afford it. We have lawmakers fighting to undo discriminatory policies against HIV+ individuals. What I think we lack is honesty.

Honesty reminds people not to forget that today, over 30 years on and 25 million dead, the virus is still as prevalent in our society as ever, way past the deadline for the oft-promised but elusive cure, that is, if the drug companies who drive HIV research are still focused on looking for one.

It’s like when a relative or friend who knows about your condition asks how you’re doing, and you smile and take the easy route of saying “I’m good,” instead of offering  “I’m struggling, with a myriad of things like the increasing cost of maintaining my health, my mental well-being, and emotional turmoil when I look back in regret, but otherwise, I manage, as most people do with their problems.”

You ask, wouldn’t it be easier to smile, because smile and the world smiles with you,  right? Smiles we put on everyday hide problems like veneer masks a chipped tooth. It may be cracked, but people will never know until you tell them. They’ll never see that you’ve been broken underneath. This mentality that we are all ‘just fine’ really has, I think, undone the urgency to find a cure, and bred a new wave of activists who talk of rainbows and butterflies with the miracle of medication. 

When a call was made out for writers for PositiveLite.com, and I got the wind of it, I immediately wrote in about getting a feature spot. While I’m a country and continent away, HIV knows no borders, does not discriminate, and I think us activists should tread along the same path. Truth was, I just wanted to spread honesty. You see, there is no point in arguing a smoker does not deserve lung cancer if he’s already got it, it is nothing but meaningless sympathy. I however find great purpose in warning smokers who haven’t to try and quit, to minimise their exposure to the risk. To, at the very least, let them know where they are bound for  if they don’t get off. Hopefully while I’m at it, I’ll stop people from getting on board as well.

Now, if I’ve still got your attention, I’m Jan, 22, and while I struggle with the virus, I get by, just like everyone else.

A mother’s love is her biggest downfall  

My personal journey began clichéd enough - writing in a secret leather diary I intended to keep away from prying eyes, chronicling my life and emotions. Whenever I put pen to paper, I escaped the cycle of depression that seemed to rinse, lather and repeat on me.

What unfolded after, I did not quite expect.  My mother found my diary. As any curious mother would, she read it, probably expecting whimsical stories about schoolboy crushes, maybe even the resultant romps with them and the little babies we would have (adopted). Sure, it did have that, at least at first, but progressively, it got gloomier. My diary served as self-therapy after all, and one does not exactly go to a therapist to recite all that’s good in life. I had been writing pretty dark things.

Keeping yourself recluse can do that to you, and let me tell you, writing when you’re contemplating suicide doesn’t come out nice on paper. I imagine she was wincing, but my mother read on, perhaps stoked that life’s intervening allowed her into the sanctum that is the mind of a scared, misunderstood teen.

You see, weeks before she found my diary, I had been fearing that I could be HIV-positive. About a year before, I took a free HIV test during World AIDS Day that came out negative, as it did the year prior. Two successive years of being HIV-free tend to make you feel invincible. A feeling that was shattered when my best friend who was every bit of as promiscuous sexually active told me he had herpes… and gonorrhoea and syphilis.

Long story short, I had followed him to the clinic for his follow-up appointment for moral support, and had picked up brochures about HIV for casual reading to hide my face in, hoping I didn’t get seen by anyone I knew while in the clinic, or in disgusting ignorance, thinking I could lose my perceived STD virginity by catching it from sitting in the waiting room. I realised, wait a minute, I’ve got a few of these symptoms for HIV. I had shrugged it off (or more likely, entered a state of denial) to the seasonal flu. I did that until came the thrush, and nightly chills.

All this was penned in my sacred diary, defiled by my mother’s eyes. As a reprisal for her desecration, my words put her in a state of unrest - not unlike the frame of mind I myself was in. She got into cahoots with my best friend for an intervention. An intervention that would bring me to the very clinic I was afraid to be seen in, but this time less afraid of catching a disease as being diagnosed with one. My best friend came with me, my mother in tow. All of us were on edge as we waited over half an hour before the results came through.

I guess you’d have guessed by now that the test came up positive;  if not I won’t be here writing and would perhaps, more than ever be up in a place of self-righteous ignorance telling myself ‘it can never happen to me, it only happens in stories.’  I’ll save the sappy parts for another time, but for the matter, most of it came from my mother. I got my diagnosis and just sat stunned in disbe-grief. My mother did most of the crying, like she was crying for two, and my best friend ended up consoling her more than me.

A successive blow came when I had to put my family in financial strain with my month-long hospitalisation after my CD4 count came in with AIDS-level numbers.  I racked up hospital bills over $25,000 for treatments for TB, operations and regular scans.

It was during this time that my mother did her very best, forced not only to come to terms with my sexuality, my sexual activity but also my HIV and at the time, what looked to her like my impending death. She certainly put it that way whenever she spoke to me while I lied helpless in bed, with IV shackles. It’s like I skipped all the basic lessons and little journeys you need for parenting and just dunked her in straight in the deep end of the pool. Of course, with anyone who’s been thrown in to drown, she was furious when she got over the initial shock.

Not long after, our relationship took an even deeper swim than when I had first thrown her in, to the point we did not speak for weeks. Things got so bad, I moved out of the house for almost 2 months after a huge argument. Jobless undergraduate at 20 - not very common with us traditional Asians!  I relied on the compassion and support of friends, all the while thinking, is this the fate I’m resigned to?

The first step to fixing my life came from the most unlikeliest place. Grindr. This is where I would find the nicest 30-something-year-old-man who in the short time of knowing me, offered his house keys and trust after he figured out I was technically homeless. He even got me a job waiting tables. You’d be surprised to know he was an ex-convict,  fresh out of prison, living in a rental flat, who did not force himself on me or expect sexual favours in return. We really only went as far as talking, sometimes cuddling in the morning and me doing my part in cleaning the apartment (mostly my own mess though). It was during this time, when I had much time to think, that a revelation struck me.

All of the bad things had to happen, like my diagnosis, my subsequent hospitalisation and me moving out of the house (my friends would joke and insist on calling a spade a spade – I ran away, like a desperate overgrown teen). If these things had not happened, I doubt either me or my mother could have found it in us to allow reconciliation to happen. It could only transpire after we found ourselves from being lost and caught up in our own situation, hers with disappointment and myself with admitted guilt and self-pity. Amidst all this, we had no time to find the love that bonded us as mother and son. Our relationship had years of strain, and consequently needed time to rid itself of pain.

A year on, and I can’t say we’re perfect. We still have our spats and misunderstandings every now and then, but every family has those. What matters is the worst is behind us, and we discovered through it all how strong our love for each other is. If we could get through that, and find it in ourselves to forgive each other, and ourselves, to move on… we could get through anything.  We after all share the same blood - even if one has HIV coursing through it.

 

This article first appeared in the website of AIDS New Brunswick here.

For the past several years there has been a move afoot to initiate a Needle Exchange in the Miramichi area. Thanks to the tireless work of invested community members, we are now on the cusp of opening one. My last blog about the Needle Exchange explained ‘How We Do’ or how we operate, but focused less upon why we operate. Since I have been spending some time lately talking about the virtues of Needle Exchanges, I have decided to make “why we do” the topic of this week’s blog.

The primary focus of a Needle Exchange is to reduce the spread of HIV and Hepatitis among Injection Drug Users (IDUs). In my last blog  about the Needle Exchange I explained that in 1999 the Fredericton Police Force asked the community to start some form of initiative to address the high amount of needles being left in public, and so the Fredericton Needle Exchange was born. At this time Needle Exchanges were just barely making their way onto the scene, and were misunderstood by many. Today, Needle Exchanges have gained some notoriety and even if someone objects to the notion of an exchange, it is hard to dispute the positive impact they have on a community and on public health.

I will let Elizabeth Pisani explain the scientific rational for Needle Exchanges as well as condom distribution as it relates to HIV transmission. She’s just great! Watch her  on video below.

“If there are two things that make human beings a little bit irrational they are: erections, and addictions.”

 Despite the overwhelming evidence in favour of Needle Exchanges, people who object to them still exist, and can prevent such initiates from being implemented in their communities. I’m sure you can imagine the types of rebuttals one might hear regarding the Needle Exchange, “It encourages drug use”, “I don’t want that around my kids”, “They got themselves into it, why should we help them?” and so on.

Let’s examine those quotes. First, evidence tells us that Needle Exchanges do NOT encourage drug use, and trust me, people have tried to prove the contrary. Second, I can appreciate the instinct to protect ones children from harm, which is one reason why I support Needle Exchange so much. Needle Exchanges foster community, which results in fewer needles being left around the city, and a general increased respect for people. Third, true, you cannot help someone who is not willing to help themselves, but when they are ready, their connection with Needle Exchange Staff can help them on their way to helping themselves.

People who have addictions may not simply be chemically addicted to their drug of choice, whether it be the more outlawed crystal meth or cocaine, or the more legalized tobacco or alcohol, they may also have a physiological dependency to it. It can be an external coping mechanism, because their internal one isn’t working. Obviously, needing a coping mechanism isn’t the only reason people use, but it is one. And for anyone, their habit, their coping mechanism, is probably more important than legal consequences, it’s a pretty huge part of a person’s life.

As stated by Dr. Robert Strang “Looking at illegal drugs based solely on a criminal justice approach has failed.”, however, if we look at addiction from a Medical Model, rather than a Criminal Justice Model we would see that there are programs available for people who are ready to try to stop using. These programs offer detoxification for the chemical dependency, and counseling for the psychological dependency. The key word here is “ready”. The person has to be ready to make that change in their life, no one can force it. The person needs to reevaluate their consequences verse reward structure.

This is where Needle Exchanges come in. Needle Exchanges operate on a philosophy of Harm Reduction, which put very simply is reducing the amount of harm associated with a particular situation. Harm Reduction does not seek to eliminate the core behaviour, or punish those who engage in it. It just seeks to make it safer. Let’s take driving a car for example. Driving a car can be a dangerous thing to do, accidents are not uncommon. Seatbelts are (for the most part) found in cars, and the people who wear them are practicing harm reduction. Harm reduction doesn’t try to stop people from driving in cars, it just tries to make it safer, offering an option for people to chose. It’s the same for Injection Drug Use: the behaviour exists, and for those who are trying to stop that behaviour, there are services available. But, for those who are not ready to stop using, Needle Exchanges make it possible for them to at least help avoid contracting HIV, Hepatitis, or any number of infections.

What’s interesting about Needle Exchanges, or at least what I have noticed with mine, is that it’s because it’s not our role to stop our clients from using, that they feel comfortable coming in not only the first time, but time and time. For many, it’s the only safe space that they have, the only place they have to feel human. Needle Exchanges do not operate solely for clients, but also for their families and friends. It is not uncommon to have parents, friends, or loved ones come in to pick up clean supplies, because they are trying to keep someone else safe. We offer a place for anyone to be able to talk openly about their or someone else’s habit, without being criticized, or belittled. Once that happens, once that line of communication is open, it may be easier to have open and honest conversations about other difficult topics.

 A significant number of my clients ask me about Addiction Services. When this topic is broached, it is very important to ensure that information is delivered in a way that is unbiased. It is very important to give all the relevant information without leaning to one side or the other. If someone makes the decision to seek treatment, one needs to be encouraging, but too much, because if the client relapses, which is a part of recovery, they need to feel safe coming back to the needle exchange, but at the same time we need to make the transition as straightforward as possible. I even have a contact with Addiction Services who will actually come down and do intakes in my office, for those who are not ready to walk upstairs, anything to make it easier for them, when they’re ready.

I’m usually the last person my client sees before they walk upstairs to Addiction Services to check-in for detox. They come in to drop off their injection kit, things like tourniquets, spoons, used needles, extra needles, filters, and alcohol swabs, and off they go. No one forced them to seek Addiction Services. If and when they are ready, they will seek it on their own, and it’s such a good feeling to help them, help themselves. Deterring people from drug use isn’t nearly as effective as encouraging them to seek treatment. Some people will seek services when they are ready, and some people will never seek them. Criminalizing those who would eventually seek services is redundant, and criminalizing those who will never, is a waste of time and resources.

 

An odd play is Bliss.  The big themes – I’ve referred  to  them above  - seem an unlikely mix. Throw in the fact that it all begins in a Wal-Mart store, no less, with the voice of an oracle directing its employees through an ecstatic description of one of Celine’s “last” performances and you know we are not in Kansas.  Instead we seem to be in a clinical setting, tiled with a white bed occupying centre stage.  Turns out that on that bed is staged both Celine’s miscarriage and later, much darker deeds based on the true story of Isabelle Cote, a young woman who has been chained to her bed for decades by her abusive family.

The story, and it’s quite powerful, segues gently from one big theme to another.  So that while we start off in a Wal-Mart, we are soon next in bed with Celine and Renee, just as she is about to have a very bloody miscarriage.  This scene melts, one hardly notices these transitions, into the very nasty Cote family household with Isabelle, not surprisingly, doing not very well at all, albeit surrounded by photos of  - yes – that Celine woman.  Segue next to the hospital where a deathly ill Isabel has been taken, then to the courtroom, then back to Wal-Mart.  Attention shoppers, it’s a wild ride indeed, and all in the space of eighty minutes.

The production values are all top notch – great set, sound and lighting and the four person cast,  Trent Pardy, Jean-Robert Bourdage, France Rolland  and Delphine Bienvenue are pretty flawless.  But the show isn’t without its struggles.  First the device of the cast  assuming the roles of both narrators and characters, switching roles rapidly throughout, hinders  empathy with any of the central characters; you just don’t feel you know them.  Secondly, as you might have guessed, this examination of celebrity  is all a bit grim.  And thirdly, one is left wondering just how well this play translates from its Quebec origins. There are no apparent language issues, but rather English-Canada  audiences may be hindered by a lack of total grounding in both the Celine and Cote legends which grounding I was left thinking may just be central to an appreciation of this play.

All in all, it’s a difficult show to like, at least for me, but not it seems an impossible one. The opening night audience certainly seemed to like it, while I was left divided.  It certainly kept me engaged, less from an emotional point of view but rather one of curiosity, not only about the stories that were unfolding, but where the show would go next. For that alone, it's worth seeing.

Bliss runs until -April 8, 2012 at Buddies in Bad Times Theatre, 12 Alexander Street, Toronto

Website/tickets  here.  Info:  Please call 416 975-8555

Two years ago today, I was diagnosed with HIV. Having managed to remain negative throughout the first 28 years of the epidemic, here was I, in my sixties, suddenly finding myself HIV-positive. The diagnosis itself was not unexpected - I had made some decisions to have unprotected sex - but the shame of having to admit that I had seroconverted was difficult for me to reconcile with the self image I had of myself. And with the image others had of me. After all, here I was - an educated, aware gay guy who’d lived through the early years of AIDS, a social worker who’d worked within the gay community for over thirty  years - now having to deal with the shame that I’d allowed myself to become poz.

But I was well-connected in the community and had the support of a wonderful life partner and some great friends. They, along with the excellent care I was receiving from my GP, who is also an HIV primary care physician, enabled me to handle my emotional turmoil. And because I have a natural curiosity, and because I wanted to learn as much as possible about HIV and what it meant to live with it, I began to read voraciously about every aspect of it. I found a great deal of help and useful information at a number of websites, particularly Canada’s CATIE,  Vancouver’s Health Initiative for Men  and the UK’s aidsmap.com. 

Then I found PositiveLite.com. This website was a revelation - a Canadian online HIV magazine by and for people who are either HIV-positive or who are our friends and supporters. Here were women and men, both from Canada and elsewhere, who were writing openly about their lives as poz people. And they were writing not just about living with HIV but about all aspects of their lives, which were as rich and as varied as those who were not living with this chronic illness.

But there was more. They were also writing, from their own lived experience as HIVers, about issues of importance to us all - the best approach to take in the 21st century in preventing the spread of HIV, developments in treatment, about stigma and discrimination, about how to manage disclosure and deal with the increasing criminalization of non-disclosure, about aging with HIV and about how, paradoxically, HIV had changed their lives for the better.

I was so impressed with what I read on PositiveLite.com that last summer I wrote to publisher Brian Finch to tell him so. He was very gracious in his response and asked if I would be interested in providing more specific feedback about the website, which was about to undergo a major redesign. I said I would. Before I knew it, I had an email from PositiveLite.com editor Bob Leahy inviting me to write for the magazine the story of my seroconversion.  I agreed to do so, anonymously. I was not quite ready, at that stage, to have my name, face and the intimate details of my life plastered all over the internet for all to see.

I guess Brian and Bob must have liked what I wrote, because they arranged for my story to be picked up by aidsmap.com. So it was not long before Bob started using his considerable charm in encouraging me to become a regular contributor and to write more about what I was learning. I took some time to say yes, because I’d just retired from my long-time job and was looking for volunteer opportunities that would provide me with the chance to to work with people face-to-face and to make new friends - writing, after all, is a somewhat solitary pursuit. But, in the face of Bob’s persistence, I overcame my hesitance.

So before I knew it, I was actually starting to enjoy sharing my experiences as an HIVer and my increasing knowledge of HIV with PositiveLite.com’s community of readers. Through doing so, I quickly decided that I no longer wanted to remain anonymous. I was ready to stand tall and proud as an openly HIV-positive gay man. For this I have to thank Brian and Bob and the opportunities they provided me to share my thoughts and experiences with others. After all, coming out as a gay guy when I was in my early twenties had been a liberating experience and I reckoned that coming out as poz should be equally as liberating. And so it has proven to be. I now feel a great sense of freedom and liberation living as an openly poz guy.

It was not long before I began to attend HIV community events and do interviews for PositiveLite.com with other people who who had interesting things to say. Then, at the beginning of this year, Bob offered me the position of assistant editor. And now, just three months later, I find myself as publisher. Never in my wildest dreams did I think, on March 15, 2010, the day I received my HIV diagnosis, how having HIV would change my life in a such a positive (pun intended!) way within two short years. 

As he wrote here yesterday, Brian has come to the decision that it’s time for him to pursue some new opportunities and that he’d fulfilled his job of creating PositiveLite.com. Last week, he asked me if I’d consider taking over the position of publisher. How could I say no? I’m in awe of Brian and what he’s created here. He’s a guy who’s lived proudly and openly with HIV for over half his life. He’s a true survivor with a passion for enabling HIVers who may not otherwise feel they have a voice to have the opportunity to be involved in a discussion about what it really means to be HIV-positive today - the rationale behind PositiveLite.com.

I’m both honoured and humbled that Brian has entrusted his creation to me. His are enormous footsteps to tread in, yet I fully intend to ensure that his trust in me is justified.   I can do that only because Brian will be remaining an integral part of PositiveLite.com as our founder and I will continue to benefit from his wisdom and wise counsel. I’m also supported by our knowledgeable and indefatigable editor, Bob Leahy, and by an amazing community of writers and contributors, who are at the heart of PositiveLite.com. Without them, the magazine would not exist.

I have a strong sense that this three-year-old, PositiveLite.com, is poised to continue its progress beyond its early years as it becomes an increasingly important and respected part of Canada’s HIV community. And while we are indeed Canadian, and will continue to reflect the Canadian experience, we remain open to the world - indeed half our readers and many of our writers now come from outside our nation’s borders. We welcome that diversity of experience. Yet we are equally committed to reflect the increasingly diverse face of HIV, both in Canada and elsewhere.

At present, most - but by no means all - of our writers are gay men who write about HIV and their lives from that perspective. This reflects the historical nature of HIV in countries like ours. Gay men still account for the majority of HIVers in Canada, and their experience of HIV will continue to be portrayed in our pages. But the face of HIV is changing, a reality that all of us here at PositiveLite.com are committed to reflecting. Thus, we’re actively engaged in increasing our coverage of HIV as it affects women, First Nations, transpeople, those from countries where HIV is endemic, injection drug users and others. By the same token, by the middle years of this decade it’s estimated that 50% of all HIVers in North America will be aged 50 or older. This reflects the reality that, thanks to anti-viral medications, HIVers are living longer than anyone ever expected only 15 years ago. There are also an increasing number of people who, like me, are seroconverting in later life. These realities will continue to be reflected in our pages even as we continue to tell the stories of younger people infected with and affected by HIV.

We will always remain faithful to our mandate, to be a place for HIVers and our allies to talk about the reality of our lives. Sometimes we will be funny, sometimes angry, sometimes controversial, but always honest.

As I said earlier, you, our readers and writers, are at the heart of what we are all about here at PositiveLite.com. I hope you continue to enjoy, be inspired by and encouraged by what you read here. And if you think you have something to say yourself, then why not consider writing about it here on PositiveLite.com. It may be that you just want to comment on something you’ve read here, in which case I invite you to share it in the comments section at the end of each article (currently an underutilized resource). Or it may be that you want to contribute your own thoughts through submitting a post of your own. In that case, I invite you to contact us through our facebook page, via email to our editor Bob Leahy at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. or by sending me a tweet @John_McCullagh. 

Thank you all for your support. And Happy Reading!

I’d like to share with you all my speech that I presented just a couple of days ago, for a facilitator's training exam, you might call it.  This was through the local AIDS organization, to test how prepared I am now to go out on my own, and speak in public about living with HIV.  i realize some of the dialogue has already been voiced, however, i hope you’ll enjoy it nonetheless.

***************************

Good afternoon everyone:   I’m here today representing both myself and our local AIDS Service Organization.  My hope is that all of you are here today because you want to be, as HIV/AIDS is truly not something to be taken lightly.

With respect to myself, I was diagnosed HIV+ in March, 1993.  And with respect to the agency, I began using their services upon moving here from my hometown London, Ontario in 1995.  At the same time I also began volunteering to help achieve a better understanding of the disease, as well as to become connected with others living with HIV.

Services include such things as:

• Education towards informing the general public on safer sexual behaviours – a large part of this is done through Speaker’s Bureau, which is what’s brought me here today
• As well as, outreach programs to better assist with confidentiality issues
• Support to help those both infected and affected with this disease, to better cope with various issues that arise
• Provides a safe environment, as well as, a place to access free supplies (condoms, lube, etc.)
• Provides annual events: examples: World AIDS Day Vigil and Taste for Life, which help to continually promote awareness
• Anonymous testing every Thursday evening from 4-7 pm
• Volunteer training sessions for both clients and the public
• Information for accessing clean/free needle exchange programs

Before I continue on with sharing my own personal story, I would like to ask if there are any questions with respect to the format of the agency?

Prior to my world of living with HIV, I completed my grade 12 education and really had no desire to go to college or university, due to the time I was dedicating to my career as a classical ballet dancer.  My training for this began when I was only 10 yrs old and went on until I completed my schooling.  I did however, drop out of high-school for a couple of years to get some work experience, and then returned as an adult student to complete my grade 12.

I then went on to dance professionally with four companies across Canada over a seven year period, consisting of Halifax, NS, Edmonton, AB, Montreal, Que and Toronto, ON.

At a point in my career and still not knowing I was HIV+, I felt my body wasn’t responding in the capacity it should have been.  I’m not sure how, but I went on to dance professionally for another couple of years and the ironic thing about my career was I had become inspired when a touring group from the National Ballet of Canada located in Toronto came to our elementary school and performed.  The last company I was with we did just that.  Besides performing in theatres we also travelled to schools within the Greater Toronto Area, so I guess you could say I came full circle with my career.  My desire was to one day become either a teacher or choreographer at this stage in my life.

The AIDS Service Organization for me personally has allowed me to become connected again with my life.  Upon hearing the words HIV+ for the first time in 1993, my world fell apart.  As I just stated I was retiring from my career of 17 years in Classical Dance, as well as, settling into a relationship that lasted for 10 years.  My former partner and I are still living together as roommates since meeting each other in 1990.

The way I look at it, my life-long relationship now is one who lives with this disease, by being reminded daily with having to take medication, and the overall impact my diagnosis has had on my life over the years.  During my earlier years of having unprotected sex, and due to a lack of sex education during my years of attending grade school, my life was going to be taking a dramatic turn for the worse and I wasn’t even aware of it.  When I was in grade school, sex education basically consisted of how women could prevent pregnancy and not much else.  The unfortunate thing here is that HIV did not exist during my own grade school years, so information was not out there to be given as there was no need for it. 

During the earliest years of when HIV did surface, I was simply going on with my life, my career, and it was not an issue until the day I found out I was infected. 

I’ve been part of the agency's Speaker’s Bureau for some time, and have replenished much of my own personality that I used to have prior to my diagnosis, simply because they’ve allowed an outlet for people with this disease to express themselves openly and shamelessly.

Anyone is vulnerable to this disease if they’re not taking proper precautions to prevent it.  It’s truly important to be educated as much as possible, to promote awareness amongst ourselves, and again, ultimately acknowledge the fact that this disease can affect any one of us at anytime.

Before I get into further detail with respect to having been on my death bed only a few years ago, I would like to share a student’s feelings after hearing me speak.  This gentleman came up to me afterwards in tears, stating that he has an uncle who is HIV+ and he now feels more hopeful to openly discuss certain issues with him.  He had no one in his life he felt he could turn to with respect to learning more about this disease, and he was so grateful for having us come to his school.

In 2007, my immune system was so compromised with having chosen to take a drug holiday, and in my own mind I figured my body was becoming resistant to certain drugs.  Leading up to having been admitted to intensive care at University Hospital in London, ON, I was gradually losing weight over several months. I began collapsing, weighing only 90 lbs.  I came into contact with a parasite that nearly killed me.  I spent the next two months back here in Kitchener at Freeport Hospital.  I was never so scared in my life as the day I was admitted to Freeport Hospital.  To me this was where you came to die, and I lay in my bed and cried more than ever before.  I had to learn to walk and write again, as the parasite paralyzed one side of my body.  This even affected my speech for a period of time.  I figured it was only a matter of time until I passed away because of this.

However, I’m certain that my athletic background helped me to battle this horrible crisis.  Once the anti-biotics did their part, I had to strengthen and re-train muscles, and this has been extremely difficult. To this day I suffer from neuropathy in both feet.

As I stated earlier, my former partner and current roommate to this day has been an ongoing support in my life.  A few years after I broke up our relationship, I met another gentleman at an AIDS Conference in Toronto and we became partners. We had something in common - HIV/AIDS.  To make a long story short, during both our health battles our relationship became one of long-distance phone calls every night, as he lived near Kingston, Ontario.  Unfortunately, he passed away a few years ago, and my own health did not allow me to be able to attend his funeral.  However, my former partner became good friends with him and did attend his funeral.

Let me share with you a couple of questions I often get asked:

How did my family and friends handle my diagnosis?

Family and close friends have always supported my life style.  Certainly there was concern in the beginning that this was a gay disease.  However, this is not the case, and I can’t imagine those people feeling any different about me even if it were.

Am I confronted with stigma and misinformation?

Unfortunately, I feel there will always be some stigma attached to this disease.  As I look at it, stigma is always having to deal with unwanted emotions.  There are many people in society that are homophobic, it’s human nature, and I suppose they’ll never look past this state of acknowledgment.  I’d like to say that I’m proud to be gay; I’ve been living a life of fulfillment, other than this disease of course.  There is always good to come out of bad, and I’ve had many, many opportunities to continue fulfilling my aspirations in life.  But I still would not like to see anyone go through what I have because of HIV/AIDS.

I’ve also been sharing my story through community blogging, as I’m in a play the “Laramie Project” – 10 years Later.  For those of you who do not know, this script was written by members of the Tectonic Theatre group in respect to the “Matthew Shepard Story”.  Matthew was a 21 year old gay student of Wyoming University, who was viciously beaten to death because he was gay. 

This production is also being performed to help bring awareness towards students being bullied in society at large. This topic of course hits home for me, because I chose to be a classical ballet dancer from the age of 10. 

Again, I would like to ask if anyone has any questions.?

Before I close, I’d like to take a couple of minutes to ask a couple of questions of my own. 

1. As a student body, would you please raise your hand if you have a family member or know of someone who is HIV+?
2. What steps have you already been taking with providing extra precautions based on what you feel you know about the disease?
3. Also, how has this impacted your life personally?

In closing, I would like to add that my own story is one of many, and I sincerely appreciate you all having me here today, to express the impact this disease can have on a person.  The quote I like to use is “to think of the impact HIV/AIDS has had in the world at large, and multiply that by 10" - this is basically at times how impacted a person can feel from having this disease.  Again, this is not something to take lightly, and I only wish you all stay safe and protected.