I can’t seem to go a day without writing a list of things to do. The workings of the HIV virus and the long-term effects of antiretrovirals have my brain going fuzzy at the best of times. To combat, I attack with pen and paper to make sure I stay aware of what’s important to do, or what I should stop doing.

Coming out of a few difficult months, I began to feel the impulse to write a list of what is in my life inventory…what I’m glad to have and hold, and identify as a good thing. Call it blessings, call it fortune, call it rewards...really doesn’t matter; the power is in writing it down as it comes to mind. Here’s a partial sample of my life-list:

1. Have three beautiful children who are now growing up to become adults of their own.
2. An ability to create whether a painting, a song, or a writing.
3. I have medications that give me added time and renewed dreams.
4. I have a “bounce back “ mechanism when shit hits the fan.

So...you get the point! In the back of our minds, we know there’s something good among the struggles, but without seeing it in print, we fail to acknowledge its power to press us on to more in our lives. Without sounding like a positive-thinking guru, I would advocate that ink is a “wellness tool”, way up there with vitamins and complimentary therapies.

The weight of negative words that creep into our day sit heavy…they build up and we start believing what other people say about us, or stumble through misconceptions. Even our failures begin to shape our identity. It’s at that point in time that the life-list becomes handy. Pull it out, read it again when you need to, and dispel some of those impending “doom and gloom” thoughts.

It doesn’t always do the trick, but I’ve found it gives me some added fuel to accomplish more. Strange, how a few times, what I wrote actually brought a smile to my face. Now I have pads of paper on my table, desk,and bedside…and pens within reach. For computer enthusiasts, a word document may be the way to go, or an excel spread sheet, but I stand convinced there’s more personal power in “inking” it!    

Back in February I was interviewed by reporter Norren Fagan for Xtra Ottawa about winning AIDS Activist of the Year, my fundraising initiatives, and my participation with positivelite.com as a regular blogger. Now, in conjunction with modelling for the cover story on the modern complexities of HIV/AIDS and Ottawa’s upcoming AIDS Walk , my interview sees print, and you can read it here. Those wishing to read the entire issue, including an editorial by David Hoe, can view a pdf of the September Xtra Ottawa edition here.

I'd like to extend a big thanks to everyone thus far who have taken the time to write to me with their comments, concerns, stories, and support for my cover story and interview. An extra special thanks to Jenn Farr and her partner for opening up their home to me (and for the pizza and beer!) and to Scissors Hair Studio’s Jeff Chambers for the great haircut that graces the cover. Making the cover of a paper I've been reading since my early teens as a closeted gay boy has been a personal milestone for me and a career highlight, my gratitude to Noreen Fagan, Rémi Thériault, and his assistant David, for helping to make it happen.

I wasn't going to talk about sex, dicks or ass here, but since so many have asked and it keeps coming up.....no pun intended, backed by the fact that I recently had some mind blowing sex, I feel now is the best time to talk about.

That's right I had so “mind blowing sex” and I loved it. It was long over due and man was it good. And you don’t know good sex, like I know good sex. It was so damn good I was speaking in tongues and jumping all over the place afterwards.

So I met this guy a while back while bowling one afternoon. I was headed to the bathroom when I heard someone call out my name. I knew it was no one I was with, so I was puzzled as to who could be calling my name. I turned and saw this tall handsome man walking towards me. A man I had noticed when I was getting my shoes.

“Kengi, right?” as he extended his hand.

“Yes, I'm Kengi and who might you be” I said trying very hard to let on how fucking hot I thought he was.

He told me his name and how he knew me. As it turned out he has been reading my blog since 2007, started watching my Youtube videos after I became HIV positive. He said he was a huge fan and also said he found me attractive. Now this is when my heart started racing. This tall drink of something yummy was all that and a big bag of chips. So I smiled and said “thank you”

We talked for a bit more and I had to get back to bowling. I was so excited that I forgot I had to take a piss, no matter because my member was on HARD and I would not have been able to release myself. We exchanged numbers with the agreement that we would talk and meet for lunch or dinner another time.

Long story short, we talked on the phone a few times and then went out three or four times, but after I came back from my friend’s wedding in Palo Alto I got a call from him asking if I wouldn't mind going with him to an event. I said “yes” and ended up having a great time. The night ended with some pretty hot kissing, before I told him I needed to get back home.

Back inside my apartment I began to wonder how much of my blog he had read and if he really knows that I am HIV positive. I mean he told me he started watching after that point, but does this mean he knew I myself am HIV positive. Should I bring the subject up or leave it alone? I went to bed with the mindset that on out next meeting I would tell him. Just in case he did not know. Even though in my mind I know there is no way you can read my blog or watch many of my videos and not hear me talk about the fact that I am HIV positive.

I got a call from him a few days later asking me to lunch. I said yes and we met at ZENGO in Santa Monica....I love this place. I jumped right into the HIV conversation right after we got our drinks.

“Thanks for inviting me to lunch. Getting to know you has been fun and rather nice.” I said, he replied with a few lines and then I said “you are clear in your head that I am HIV positive, right?” Laughing, he said “How could I not know. I said I read your blog and watch your videos.” I laughed back and said “I was just checking. I don't want anything to be left unsaid.”

My next question was about his status and he is negative. In fact he was just tested a few days before. When I asked why someone like him would be attracted to someone like me. He said “I love your smile, your laugh is contagious and they way you've handled all that has gone wrong in your life is sexy to me.”

Well, “sexy” is not what I would call it, but it is what it is. That night we went to the movies and after the movies he invited me to stay the night. I was very nervous and to be honest even shy. I can tell just by looking at him that he has an amazing body and I do not. Reluctantly, I said ok and the rest is history.

I've always said I would be honest with the person I engage in sexual activity with and I was. I've always said that my being positive would not and could not stop me from meeting someone unless I allow it to and if my being positive means that someone no longer finds me attractive or appealing, then that is their problem, not mine. I refuse to put that monkey on my back.....not that I can't carry it.

We've been out a few times since then, I've even had some flowers sent to me twice along with two cards or nice text messages. I like and enjoy his honesty, company and the fact that he is not at all like most gay men who have to be with someone who looks like they spend hours in the gym or in front of the mirror all day. He likes sports and enjoys many of the things I do. So far it's been great, but I am keeping my options open.

What I learned in all of this is that being HIV positive and dating is only a problem if I allow it to be. Honesty is always the best and only way for me. What's even better is that neither of us have time for a relationship right now, but both would love to have someone we can go out with and sleep with from time to time. Friends with benefits is what it's called I think. I never thought I could agree to something like this, but right now I am not ready for anything more, plus I am an adult and as long as we both have things clear in our minds then this is cool.

Not to toot my own horn, but BEEEEP BEEEEEP........I've been playing "what a man" by En Vogue.

 

After my trip to Provincetown, I decided to send Dr. Perfect Hair a text. He wouldn't have given me his number if he didn't want me to contact him, right? The text was witty and pithy but I could tell with the curt reply that my fears were confirmed. My HIV proved to be a bit too much for him. Or could it have been something else?

Let me explain:

Like every good gay I like to make myself presentable. This includes the intricate art of manscaping. If you have the blessing/curse to grow body hair like a chia pet, you can do one of three things.

1. Shave yourself completely smooth and pretend that you are a twink;

2. Trim yourself - While you are still true to yourself, you are not overgrown; or

3. Embrace the hair and become a bear or an otter or whatever animal you wish to be called.

When I was younger I opted for choice number 1. I do not have that kind of time anymore. So now I do a combo of 1 and 2 and besides who doesn't like a nicely groomed hairy chest. Sometimes when I am on anti-dating kick, I let it all grow out and go for number 3. Grrrrrr. No matter what option I choose, if I know there is the possibility of a boy, I will clear the shrubbery from the rocks and cavern, as I did before I left for Ptown. It's the only polite thing to do. No one likes a mouth full of foliage.

A couple days into my trip I started to notice that the cavern was becoming quite distressed. My first thought was that I got something from Asher that I would need to go to the clinic and get a cream for. The problem became acerbated as I rode my bike for about three hours or more a day. Then I finally realized what the problem was. The shrubbery was growing back and since I was so active, it was creating a sandpaper effect. Combined with the sweat from the summer sun, it became something akin to what parents of newborns refer to as a diaper rash. My poor cavern

Go ahead and laugh, it's funny.

To prevent anymore erosion, I decided to clean off the sprouting shrubbery and deal with the aftermath when I got back to New York. Shortly thereafter I was lucky enough to forget about my problem and enjoy the rest of my time in Ptown, including Dr. Perfect Hair.

Upon my return, I was promptly reminded of my situation. Stupidly, I thought that it would go away on its own. Oh, how I was wrong. I now travel with a small bottle of baby powder where I ever I go. Sometimes you can even see a light dusting out of the bottom of my pant legs when I walk.

The other morning I had time to revel in my misfortune while on the elliptical machine. Trying to do my best meditation to wish away the landslide of itchy pain I was enduring, I had time to think about the good doctor. Maybe it wasn't my HIV status that scared him away. Maybe he is a conservationist and saw the erosion. HIV is one thing, but if he thought that I had another STD that I was hiding from him, that would surely make him or anyone run in retreat. Or maybe, just maybe, he recognized my glowing red spot from his pediatric rounds and thought I had a diaper fetish. Ugh!

I guess that there is the possibility that he just didn't like me. Hmmmmmm. We will never know what really happened to the Dr. Surely, this will become one of life's great unsolved mysteries like Easter Island, Roswell, or how Megan Fox ever became an actress.

Denise Becker, a.k.a. Ms. Crimson Lips, posted a great piece on Positive Lite regarding online dating and disclosure which I recommend reading. Though she tackled it from a female perspective, I tend to agree with her point of view. Some people post their HIV status onto their profile and others do not. It’s a personal decision that eventually does need to be addressed but there are plenty of superficial hurdles to overcome first.

Regardless of the cruising grounds, people tend to yeah or nay you over their own personal preferences. Though I love being over six feet tall, some find that an immediate turn off. I can’t change that nor do I take it personally. I am what I am. I was diagnosed as HIV positive back in 1983. My Doctor said I would be lucky to make it to my 24^th Birthday and yet I’m still here, now in my early fifties. No cause to celebrate. It is what it is.

I have never let it define me as a person though I have had to make some concessions along my bumpy road of life. My unorthodox upbringing has left me with plenty of scars that, like my HIV status, could make one run in the opposite direction. We can’t choose our families but we can our friends and I am blessed to have some super people who I have allowed into my heart. Not too mention two long-term relationships that though I outgrew I still cherish having had.

My Grandmother was the one constant in my life. She was one of a kind and the true love of my life. I never wanted her to worry about me more than she already did so I kept my diagnosis to myself. I did not want her to find out through any other source until it became an issue that indeed needed to be addressed. Thankfully, she never knew. It would have caused her great pain for me to die before her. I know what that heartache would feel like as I lost her two years ago. I was devastated and overcome with grief. Losing friends to AIDS over the years was difficult and riddled with why them and not me? But losing her overwhelmed me in away I had yet to experience.

Last year, in my efforts to pick up the pieces and turn a page in my life, I returned to the family farm. Though the ole homestead was filled with her memories her presence had indeed moved on. It was a sign for me to do the same. I disclosed my status to my remaining family members, as I preferred to tell them myself rather than having them find out in some other manner. While back in Manitoba, I also made it a point to disclose my status to the friends I still have living there. I also informed friends elsewhere as an act of consideration and respect for the friendships that I have managed to keep over the years. I never wanted to be the poster boy for HIV or any of the other hardships I have had to deal with in my life. Survivor yes! Victim no!

In the last year I have turned that page and started on a new chapter in my life. I am finally free of the demons that have haunted me. Rather than dwelling on the past I am looking ahead. Now, I am working on not getting in my own way rather than letting the misunderstandings and pains others have inflicted on me hold me back. How someone reacts to my HIV status is a reflection of his or her issues and not mine. I no longer have to protect someone from heartache other than myself.

I am now 18 months post my dual diagnosis of HIV and hepatitis C, and nine months post successful hepatitis C treatment. I thought it was time to meet someone; no, not just for sex, but for something more. You see since my dual diagnosis I have felt completely asexual, and I'll admit, feeling a bit "tainted" too. Even HIV+ guys are hesitant to meet me when I tell them I also "had" hepatitis C.

So, wonderful, where does that put me in the dating scene? Someone would really have to be desperate to meet me! Recently I met someone by the name of "Dustin." He smoked, and I said I would NEVER date a smoker, but I have been desperate to make a connection with another positive individual. I thought I could ignore the smoke. He was handsome, professional, similar in age, and a sweet talker, among, um, other things ...

I hear the knock on the door, I'm a bit nervous, I look through the blinds (pictures match), and open the door to meet him. He reeked of smoke. We had some drinks, but all I could smell was the smoke emanating from him. Almost immediately I had withdrawn all interest, and my body language turned very cold. He got the hint, and excused himself.

I've met one other person since that night, and a non-smoker! While the physical connection was there, I couldn't allow myself to open up. Again, my body language turned cold, and he too left. Why am I having such difficulty meeting people, why can't I open up, why does my body language turn so cold, why can't I let anyone in? Before HIV I always had fear of rejection, having HIV compounds this fear. I feel like damaged goods.

I am also stuck in the mindset that I would never date anyone who is HIV negative, and think how could I ever be in a serodiscordant relationship? I would not want to give to someone else what I have, no matter how small the chance. I wouldn't wish HIV on anyone. I know that limits the pool of potentials as well. Since day one of my diagnosis I made a commitment to myself to always disclose my HIV status when it comes to dating, maybe this is my dilemma?

I've allowed my emotions over my status dictate my single life. I had withdrawn and isolated myself from the world. I am trying to slowly build the confidence again to meet someone, and crawl out from under the shadows of my illness. As alone as I feel with my diagnosis; I hold out hope. I have been in three relationships prior to my HIV diagnosis, and one for over two years. I've traveled the world, been on many adventures, have a creative and intellectual mindset, am caring, kind, honest and have a super loveable personality.

I keep the hope of meeting someone, because I know that really loving someone means loving them for who they are and accepting the whole package. I guess you would call that a soulmate and I believe that person is out there somewhere. So, today I make a commitment to myself to never settle for less than my heart's desire. And to anyone reading this with HIV/AIDS or any other chronic illness; YOU deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and YOU shouldn't settle for less.

Usually I am the one to offer tips and advice, but when it comes to dating and HIV I feel hopeless. I hope whoever is reading this will chime in. Are you in a relationship? How long have you been together? How did you meet? How long after your diagnosis did you feel comfortable seriously dating someone? Until next time ...

Sexless in Seattle,

Kevin Maloney

This entry first appeared in Kevin’s regular blog here. Kevin's bio reads, in part: "In March 2010 I was told that I have HIV and a month later, with follow-up labs, was then told I also acquired hepatitis C (not through IV drug use). I aspire to great things. Stay tuned."  You can find Kevin on twitter here and on Facebook here.