This article first appeared on the blog Socially Fit.

Meet Daniel Uy. A yogi by trade and fun-loving guy by nature. Very funny and honest. There is one thing that makes him stand out (other than his awesome personality), and that is the fact that he is HIV+. He has been living with the virus for fifteen years. Through yoga, fitness, and overall well-being he has reclaimed his life and here he is sharing his story.

I wasn’t an adult very long before HIV.  I was never the modicum of vitality.  I ate a lot and was extremely nervous.  I was going out to gay bars for the first time and had only recently began to drink and smoke.  It was a confusing, awkward, and uncomfortable time with a mouth as big as an ocean and an ego to match. Also with the frailties of one who feels unworthy.  Know what it’s like to be with someone who is afraid everyone is better than him so he tries so hard to put you down to lift themself up?  Yeah, I was that guy.  I was fun at parties, but only under the influence.

Once I found out that I was HIV+, it was a relief! I had been thinking about killing myself from a very young age and into my teens. It was good to know I had an end date and it was hopefully going to be soon.  I also remember watching my family doctor, that I’d been with since I was a teenager, who was the one who broke the news to me, cry in front of me.  He also said words that I have never forgotten “It doesn’t matter how this happened, we are just going to take care of it”. I am truly blessed to have surrounded myself with non-judgemental people in my life.  It was a mixed response.  He told me, “we’ll take care of it” and at the same time I was happy to know I might be dead soon. That should let you know where I was at that point in my life.

I really felt included when I began yoga. I have never been the model of physical health.  I was a fat kid growing up and actually did manage to lose a bunch of weight when I came out of the closet at 20 years old (going from 260-220 lbs). The only time I have ever been thin was when I was on the descent towards having full-blown AIDS at 27 and weighing in at 145 lbs. I felt safe in a yoga studio and in the practice room.  The postures themselves were not that difficult and you didn’t have to do them for long.  I started in hot yoga so you sweat, A LOT!  I remember standing in tree pose with my hands in prayer and sweat dripping down each elbow and looking at myself in the mirror and thinking “God!  I’m such an athlete!!”

The funny thing is I have just never really considered yoga to be a workout.  It was a spiritual journey and I had a lot of questions!  Somehow that made it easier to do.  Since it’s easy to do, maybe I could do it too and it grew from there. Postures evolved, sequences and poses have ballooned to include things that I think are beyond my human abilities but still in my mind, it doesn’t count as hard or impossible, just something in this journey I may not have figured out quite yet.  I really hope from now until the day I leave this plane of existence, there are still many postures that were on that list I was “working” towards.

Although it was the physical that brought me onto the mat, it was, in itself not enough to keep me there.  I started to “wake up”.  I became aware of things, and in the beginning, some of these revelations were so overwhelming that I couldn’t process them.

There was a family gathering about 4-5 months after I started yoga and there was an argument at the table. As it was happening I became incredibly aware of my breath. It was like it got louder in my head and the fight in front of me got quieter.  It was the first time that I can remember where I was calm in a heated discussion.  It felt like I had superpowers or something.  I wanted to know more about that.

Being HIV+ means that the veil and illusion that life will last forever is gone.  No fairy tales.  No make-believe world.  This sh*t is real!  Where I am today is where I am today.  It may not be like this ever again.  It could be gone, it could get better or worse. I am an optimist and most may not see this as optimistic, but there is an incredible beauty in that.

Right now I am the strongest and most fit that I have ever been in my entire existence in this physical shell.  There was a time when I was so weak and frail I could not stand or walk ten feet without fainting.  All we have is this one breath.  Right here.  Right now.  Inhale.  Exhale.  And being here right now, in this moment, is the best place that one can be.  Other problems and worries fade away when one stays grounded in this moment.  Close your eyes and take a full breath, in and out right now and savour it.  I can wait.

I would like to think that I am in a place now where I can make a positive impact on the HIV community at large.  I have never considered myself an activist.  I am more of a lazivist!  Up until last year, I had never “officially” stood out publicly as being HIV+.  Everyone in my family knew, friends knew, employers and co-workers knew, but never my students or the average person.  I remember when I was writing my bio for my website, www.danieluy.com, and I was sitting with the “how did I get into yoga” question and couldn’t avoid the HIV thing.  I remember going should I or shouldn’t I when it came to disclosing.  This was my question I was sitting with one week where I had made the decision that on Friday I would choose and that would be that.  That very week I met not one, but two other yoga teachers that are HIV+ and both fairly new in their diagnosis.  Hearing their stories it became quite apparent that the only question I was asking myself was “How could I not disclose it?”  This became much less about facing my fears and much more about helping to alleviate theirs.  If and when I ever question or doubt myself, I think of them and others right now suffering in silence.

It was also around this time that I happened to meet Brian Finch, Founder of PositiveLite.com, Canada’s Online HIV Magazine.  Since I had already been writing some things for my own website, I thought perhaps maybe I could share some information to others like myself.  I mentioned that I don’t know how professional I’d be.  It’s been ages since I’ve worked in a 9-5 business setting, but they wanted my voice and style as is. Since August 2011, I’ve had articles posted, about twice a month.  I have really come to love them.  Through that I have been able to make new connections within the HIV community and help, one on one, some guys and gals on this journey.  

A friend of mine reminded me a few months ago, people need to see that there is someone who has been going through this serious medical thing for 15 years, yet can still remain healthy and physically capable alongside some of the city’s best teachers despite it.  I had never thought of that before.  Sometimes it’s great to have someone on the outside remind me of what I really do.  My favourite quote is from Ghandi, “My life is my message.”  It’s that simple.  If you want to see what I’m passionate about and believe in, watch me and you’ll see it.

I could probably do more.  If anyone has suggestions, please feel free to e-mail me! Recently I was speaking with a friend about the idea of trying to incorporate yoga fundamentals into a workshop style practice/meditation for people in the AIDS Community and AIDS Service Organizations (ASO’s for short).  I haven’t figured it all out completely but I really see it as being something that would have me travelling to different areas and communities as well as helping my brothers and sisters tap into something that I have been able to reach as well.

I think I have been fortunate to have been spared much of the insanity of the misconceptions and fears of others.  It’s either that or I have an incredibly short-term memory so I don’t recall much anymore.  It’s getting close to half my life living with HIV, so I forget.  Sometimes it’s hard to distinguish between what is HIV and what is simply growing old.

I would be naive to say that the fears do not exist.  I have a friend that said they’re ok with me having it, but then later I learned that if they ever went on a date with someone who was, they wouldn’t see them again.  That hurts.  Because I know what that kind of rejection feels like.  It’s like you’re a leper – untouchable and unlovable.  And it can sting.  On the flip side, if the situation was reversed, I may possibly act in the same manner.  We’ll never really know.  One thing I do know is that if someone is on HIV meds and their Viral Load is undetectable, and sexual protection is used, the chances of passing it onto someone else are quite small. There’s a debate right now in the Supreme Court of Canada on Disclosure discussing this topic in great lengths.

As I mentioned, being who I am, and the size that I am, it has been quite rare that I have ever had to deal with overt judgement or discrimination based on my HIV status.  Having said that, there is one place I taught (I’m no longer there anymore by my own choice on a different matter) that had a meeting and seriously discussed firing me because I had mentioned I was HIV+ and they didn’t feel I would be capable as a hot yoga teacher.  It turned out I was the most popular teacher in that space until my departure. With the proper medication and lifestyle, the average life expectancy right now for someone who is HIV+ is now 75 years.  HIV- people’s life expectancy is 82.  We are not that different at all. 

Right now, I am currently starting each day reminding myself of the word “Enough”.  That I am enough and that there is enough.  I sometimes allow my fears to drive me into doing and saying things I normally wouldn’t because of not being good enough, having enough, making enough, or being strong enough.  Today, right now, I am enough and I have enough, period.

As for my future, I would like to get married.  Maybe write some more, perhaps a novel or series of short stories.  Physically, I want to get Ashtanga Vinyasa Primary Series nailed down and be on the Secondary Series by the end of 2012.  There I said it.  I hope my teachers read that because I’m going to need help!  I want to own a home in the city and hopefully get to a place in my career which allows me more freedom to practice and play in my other pursuits.  I would love to spend more time fire-spinning, learning to cook, learning to dance, or tea drink my afternoons away with good friends around me.  

Strength is something much more than a physical measurement.  It comes from someplace inside.  It fuels you even when your body is spent and everyone around you says you cannot go on and you are done.  Strength is not fighting and destroying everything you come up against.  Strength is standing unarmed in front of an army moving tanks and declaring that they cannot and will not go any further.  What are you willing to stand for?

Recently I wrote an article about my first time experience with practicing yoga. During this I had a great opportunity to get in contact with one of my first teachers, Jess Robertson.  Jess has been busy.  Not only is Jess the co-founder of Moksha Yoga, along with Ted Grand, and leading teacher training around the world with him, but Jess has still managed to keep her life simple.  Living not only as an example of this yoga way of life, but breathing those ideals and actions into the foundation of Moksha Yoga as well. 

At the start of May, yoga teachers, students from all walks of life, and the Moksha Yoga community at large will be taking part in a Living Your Moksha Challenge (LYM for short).  This is where each individual has an opportunity to challenge themselves in the seven pillars of what Moksha Yoga tries to embody:

• Be Healthy: We work to support lifelong health of the body and mind.
• Be Accessible: Make real the idea that yoga’s benefits are limitless and accessible to all.
• Live Green: Live to protect and serve our natural world
• Sangha Support: Believe in the power of community.
• Outreach: Use creativity and energy to help others locally and abroad.
• Live to Learn: Commit to always learning to stay humble, open, and inspired to serve.
• Be Peace: We offer the benefit of our practice to the benefit of all beings everywhere.

 (More information on the LYM challenge can be found here: )

I had a chance to ask Jess some questions before the start of this seven week long event and this is what she had to say.

What does yoga mean to you?

Yoga means union or oneness.  So for me union takes many forms - unifying what I feel or think about the world with what I do to manifest these thoughts/feelings.  To me, yoga is healing, it teaches me to live a happy life, even when things are difficult.  Yoga is my life however, so I could say a lot more about it...how long's this article!

Why Moksha yoga?

The Moksha is all about changing for the better through community.  Over the past century or so, with the loss of organized religion, the exodus away from rural communities into big cities, the ease of travel, the incredible health-giving support a community provides has been lost.  To me this is the best part of Moksha yoga, it is extant, living, breathing, fighting, loving, growing, evolving community at its best.  Moksha is part of my family.

What benefits are there to this practice?

For the muscles and joints we focus on opening the hips, toning and stretching all major muscle groups and lubricating the joints for long-term health of the knees, lower back, and entire spine.  Moksha is cardiovascular so it's great for the heart and lungs, and immune function.

If an HIV+ new yoga student was coming to your class, what information, if any, would you like to know?

I'd want to know everything they are able/willing to share.  The more a teacher knows about a student the more they can help.  Using HIV for an example - right after diagnosis the best thing yoga brings is anxiety relief. The yoga studio provides a safe and non judgemental place, period. This is often the best thing after a recent diagnosis. A place to rest and be. If someone is living with HIV for longer I would ask them about diet, addiction, goals so that I could help with their goals as much as possible.  

If you could say something right now to the HIV+ yoga student out there, what would it be?

Everything is already OK. This is actually the message of a yoga text from the Isha Upanishad.  I would however probably not 'say' it - I'd probably communicate it with a nice mid-class foot massage!  I would also say, you are welcome here, at the studio. And as usual - I'd remind them to AMPLIFY the benefits of practice by drinking at least 3L of water a day (not tea/coffee/juice/kombucha...water!). I would also say life is filled with challenges of varying degrees, and beyond the physical challenges and benefits, yoga gives practical tools that I have seen, and many yoga teachers have seen help with all forms of challenge.  We are all here in this world to serve, yoga helps take challenges - death in the family, cancer, HIV, poverty, abuse - and transform it into a way to give, to serve.  I believe in this stuff (can you tell) and hope you get to try it!  I would also say - start with doing the living your moksha challenge!

Thank-you so much Jess for sharing your thoughts with us.

If you wanted to try this style of yoga, and you live in Canada, there are ample locations to choose from. Check out: www.mokshayoga.ca and find a place near you. There are also locations in the US popping up all the time.  If you do go to a studio and check them out, tell them that Daniel Uy from Toronto says Hi.  Seriously!  We really are a close knit community!

 Metta

I am unfamiliar where other people are in their journeys with self-identification and I am not advocating that it is necessary or even required, but for me, I found that if I was going to be trusting someone with my body and waned them to keep me safe, then I would want them to know I may have limitations that may not otherwise be noticeable from the outside.  That is a choice I made around the five-six year mark of being HIV+ when I took up this physical practice of yoga.  It was a style of heated yoga that aroused my personal interest for two major reasons: I wanted to detox some of the chemicals I was taking (both prescription and “prescription”) and it was three blocks from my home.  I was probably in one of the worst shapes of my life.  Not just physically unfit, but my diagnosis was in transition back from having full blown AIDS and slowly on the mend.  I didn’t have much energy or the ability to move around too much and the idea of being in a gym environment scared the crap out of me.  Images from Grade 9 gym still haunted my mind’s eye and my low ideals of my body didn’t help either.  Ofcourse crazy me chose a style of yoga that has a giant wall covered with mirrors!  Oh ya!  There I am fully in reflection and there is everyone else.  No hiding in this room!!

I went to Bikram Yoga Danforth, which eventually became Moksha Yoga Danforth and I was there at the start of a newer style of hot yoga: Moksha Yoga. I went with my roommate at the time on a Friday evening Karma class.  A karma yoga class is a regular class but instead the money isn’t paid to the studio but given as a donation to a local charity.  Honestly, I was scared.  I remember filling out the release forms and coming to health things and pausing and trying to figure out if I should say something or not.  I figured that I should, not so much that I wanted people to know, but hopefully to give me a future excuse not to have to try so hard in case it kicked my ass, and not in a good way. 

The class was hard.  I had never sweated that much in my life.  I seriously started to reconsider long shorts and a thick cotton t-shirt.  There was so much sweat.  It burned my eyes.  I could swear people were staring at me but they weren’t.  This wasn’t like gym class.  Nobody turned and looked at me or made fun of me as far I can tell.  The person I was sort of following in front of me seemed to send out nice thoughts and glances, if she was even ever really looking at me.  I had the same feeling about my teacher (who would one day become a friend and colleague).

The postures were hard.  I hadn’t really moved like this before.  Some of them were just awful, but some were actually wonderful.  I remember enjoying backbends from the beginning – which I found out later many people dislike.  They seemed natural for me; perhaps it was the high-like feeling I got when coming out of them! LOL!  Who knows?  Before I knew it, we were on the floor and that brought some relief but we kept on sweating.  I looked over at my roommate and he was struggling too.  That made me happy.  He’s younger and way more fit then me so if he’s finding it hard then it suddenly made it OK for me.

I looked around and other people were sweating a lot too.  I wasn’t the only one.  I was not alone.  Eventually the class lead up to us finally getting to lay down at the end and the lights were dimmed.  The teacher asked us to send a thank-you out to those that helped us practice and I thought of the really fit girl in the front row who I stared at for a majority of the class.  I thought of my roommate who came with me because I couldn’t have come without him.  I thought of the teacher for being kind to me.  She said some quote and I can’t remember the words of what she said but I remember the impact it had on me.  I felt rested.  I laid there in the dimly lit room with all these people and felt rested.  I wanted more.

I ended up coming back.  I signed up and things went from there.  I eventually got to a point where I didn’t care as much about the clothing and my outfits became less clothing oriented.  I remember the day I took my top off for the first time.  It is really the first time I had ever done that in public as an adult.  I even swam with my shirt on at that point.  But it was just so hot and I’m like “nobody cares what you look like” and just did.  It was freedom.  Eventually it led me to skimpy Lululemon Hot yoga shorts.  I still have the original pairs today (side note: Lululemon makes incredible clothes that last a long time).  Things changed.  I moved up to the front row one day.  Here I am, in a room full of strangers – many of them women, contorting my body, practically naked, sweating like a pig, in front of a full wall to ceiling mirror with the lights on and I feel good about myself.

I participated in their first 30-day challenge.  The goal was to practice yoga everyday for 30 days and see how many you could do.  This seems hard, but not completely unattainable.  I was already coming a few times a week and thought I would try.  Ted and Jess, my teachers encouraged me to try and see what I could do.  And I believed them.  I tried.  I made it up to about Day 27 before I had to bow out.  I figured though, that for someone who was dying less than a year prior, I should be awarded some extra credit and so it didn’t seem like a fail but a victory.

There was a party to celebrate the start of Moksha and this new journey for the studio and I was there in the beginning; not exactly the splendor of health but I was there.  Moksha was and has been cited for their environmental conscious but importantly, from a yoga asana perspective, as being accessible. It was open to all – which included me.  I have never really been included in something like this before and it was nice.

Several years later, I was in a matted basement on the Westside of the city doing my Moksha yoga teacher training.  And those same teachers who encouraged way back then were here again, encouraging me to follow this path and I did.  Training was grueling.  It was two practices a day in the hot room and long hours.  I was up at 5am, six days a week and burning out fast.  One morning while on a subway, I prayed.  Or perhaps you can call it questioned.  I closed my eyes and tilted my head upwards and said inside my mind quite audibly “Why am I doing this!?!”  I was so upset and ready to quit.  Then I opened my eyes.  And there on the wall of the subway was a post-it note.  To this day I have never seen another post-it note ever on the subway, but in the heat of my questioning, there it was.  The post-it note read “The possibilities before you are INFINITE” I cried.  I looked around, peeled it down and took it with me.  I have carried it around in my wallet ever since and have never looked back. 

In less than a year I was teaching FT and I haven’t looked back since.  Who knows what can happen right.  I wasn’t the model student, but I tried.  They created an environment that allowed me to feel safe enough to try without judgement and I am grateful for that.

As I write I hope that my students know that they are always welcome, regardless of anything they perceive to limit or keep them separated, that they are always allowed to be included.  If you are thinking about this style of practice as a possibility for you but think its daunting or that perhaps you cannot, think again.  Let the teachers and staffs know your situation.  It has been my experience that not one community in this yoga world I have been a part of has ever excluded me based on health.  If you’re inflexible, in bad shape, in poor health and may possible have a bad attitude, you’re welcome here.

I am in the hot room often, several days a week.  It isn’t the only style I teach anymore and my practice and teaching have broadened to include and encompass a variety of offerings, but my home is always in a Moksha space.  In the yoga world, it was in Moksha that I learned how to fly free.

Metta 

There is no doubt that our culture – I’m talking gay men here -  has a bit of an obsession with buff bodies. Gyms have never been busier. Clothes are tighter. Porn (or at least gay porn) and gay magazine covers ONLY feature the perfectly muscled.

How does that leave those of us with less than perfect bodies?  Like me. Is there an impact on my psyche, my sense of well-being, even on my risk behaviour? And just how healthy is being obsessed with being healthy anyway? Is there a down-side?

In this PositiveLite.com interview, David Brennan looks at both sides of the coin and draws on his research in to body image, eating attitudes and behaviour among  queer men, particularly examining these issues for racialized queer men in Toronto.  I think you’ll enjoy what he has to say.

Video services courtesy of Guy McLoughlin.

“Give up the battle of fighting and find freedom in the shackles of service.”

Lately I have been practicing Ashtanga Vinyasa yoga in a Mysore-style setting six days a week, working out three times a week and teaching about 10-15 yoga classes a week, some in a heated environment and some not.  I love my life and my job, and the joy of being strong and active at this point in my life, HIV+ or otherwise.  It’s a real blessing.  But it’s physically challenging.  Work, love, joys all feel like chores sometimes – a big hassle – so much that it makes me want to rebel against my own great life.  But I have found a way to take some of the edge off.  And it’s not exactly what you’d think.

A year after I was diagnosed with HIV, I began what was to become my longest living relationship with another living thing - with my dog, Brenton - or more formally – Brenton Cornelius Ulysses Uy.

I have to be honest; I hated that dog for many years.  I happened to come by him accidentally through a series of events and now that I had him, I really didn’t want him.  I was never a dog person.  But here was this dog that needed food, and attention, and walks.  This living creature required my assistance daily just to poop. 

The reality of my health situation was really starting to set in during this time. I wasn’t really working at my full potential and my thoughts were often of self-destruction. I wanted to get everything over with and move on because life wouldn’t be so grand and most likely painful – but there was this life that needed me.  The only thing I could fully commit myself to was keeping this innocent life alive.  And so it began.

I put up a picture on the fridge and the back of apartment door with a picture of his face and the caption that read “Do it for him.”  I also had one at my desk and in my wallet.  I needed the reminders.  It was in these darker times of life, that looking back, I had small rays of light.  Although I hated and loathed doing it, I trained that dog, kept him fed and well maintained to the best of my ability.

When I had full blown AIDS for the first time, I was living alone at 27yrs old in a bachelor apartment with just him.  There are days I would cry and scream and curse myself and him for being in my life.  But the mantra “Do it for him” kept me alive.  He kept me alive.  Even my mother will attest that if it wasn’t for his presence, I probably wouldn’t be here today. 

I haven’t thought about this for sometime but was made more aware of it over dinner recently with a good friend in talking about my daily routine.  Sure I am healthy and strong and not nearly as maniacal as I used to be, but this same intent exists.

In yoga, there’s a word in Sanskrit we use, sankalpa, which means "will, purpose, or determination." To make a sankalpa is to set an intention—it's akin to a New Year's resolution but deeper.  Recently, I posted an article about my sankalpa for this year on letting go.  But I have found this to be my daily one – service.  A lot of things I struggle through some days like everyone else.  I have mentioned my challenges with food and a bit of my daily regimen.  It’s not always easy to do.  My buddy Elias was pointing out to me recently about a few of my male colleagues and the work they do, and practice etc and reminded me of a very important point about myself - that I can stand alongside them at the same physical intensity despite 15yrs of being HIV+. 

I have never been an activist but I do believe I have a message.  The actions of my life are a reflection of it.  I honestly cannot do this by myself.  I find the work and effort daunting and some mornings I feel like I just want to lay in bed all day and sleep for five days.  But I get up.

In my morning practice, just after the morning mantra (chant), I whisper softly to myself “Do it for them.”  With my eyes closed, I think of my family, friends, students, people I’ve met or talked with.  Usually only a few images of people’s faces I’ve recently had connections with will come into the forefront of my mind and I lock them in place.  This practice is hard.  Facing each day is hard at times.  But it’s easier if I do it for others.  If I can keep myself in better shape, practice more, eat well and get enough sleep, then I can be at my maximum for when help is needed for others.  I’m just like a fireman, except without all the sirens, hoses, and 911 men! LOL! 

Does it really work? I don’t know. I’m still here right?  Perhaps there is something that has been a struggle to get through.  Some job or task or project that is hard to face on your own.  Is it possible that by doing it, there may be a benefit to someone else?  And isn’t it a really cool feeling when you can help someone else out, be it a stranger, or friend, or dear loved one?  Then dedicate the job or work to them.  Make that 9-5 grind be about that special loved one, be they human or non-human.  Even if you hate the idea of doing it, give it a try, it may surprise you.

Since someone else has said it better then me, I will leave you with his words:

“The best way to find yourself, is to lose yourself in the service of others” –Ghandi

Metta.