Sexual Self Esteem

On Feb 4, I will be presenting a one-hour talk on Sexual Self Esteem for the Hot, Healthy and Horny event taking place at DC/UOIT in Oshawa, part of a queer-focused sexual health day. This opportunity is a unique one. My first thought is “why me”? It’s taken a long time to build up esteem in sexual confidence but maybe my 48 years on the planet has offered me the span of time needed to arrive at a somewhat confident outlook on myself, my body and what sexuality means for me.

It’s been a rollercoaster ride, for sure. To establish a sexual identity, you gotta get on the ride! There’s no other way to do it! I can’t think of anything more disappointing than being a bystander while watching everyone else experiencing the thrill of riding the track. I knew that the ups and downs had to be felt, if I was ever to gain the confidence to navigate the twists and turns of finding out my sexual identity and how to experience or express it.

So despite the obstacles and fears (and there were many), I slowly accepted the fact that I got to figure this thing out for myself. I tried at one point in my life to be what was expected of me as a male who grew up in a strong religious home. That meant be straight, suppress any sign of sexual desire for men, and fix the problem. Ironically, my decision to explore a relationship with a girl was fraught with anxiety and conflict, knowing I wasn’t being true to me. It resulted in a ten year marriage that put me on a fast track...and on a different ride. It shattered my sexual self esteem and brought me to a real decision to get back on the right track. The next 12 years that followed my divorce was definitely a roller coaster experience. I felt like a kid who just entered the amusement park. There was so much to see and explore. What was going to be my favourite ride? Were there others on the ride who could make it easier for me? How do I tell someone else about the ride?

Building self esteem is a constant process. The past 12 years has had its ups and downs, and highs and lows, since I accepted the ticket on the right ride (call it the gay men’s amusement park if you like). There were times I felt alone, with no handbook on where this ride would take me and how to ride safely. There were amazing times where I threw my hands in the air, screamed and experienced the greatest thrills one can ever imagine. Despite the challenges, my strategy to build sexual self-esteem has always been to “brace the experience with as much determination and gusto as possible”. Regrets? Just one, really...maybe two. I would have been more proactive in circumventing the HIV virus. Though I should have been more educated about it 6 years ago, my life at that time was spinning out of control and I wasn’t paying attention. But “woulda, coulda, shoulda” thinking is just a stagnating, non-productive mindset for me.

My 6 years of being HIV positive has actually motivated me to rise to the occasion and reach a new level in my sexual self esteem. It’s made me navigate sexual negotiations in a more focused, pro-active way. It’s a catalyst for what I bring to the table, how I present myself, how I interact, how I react and what keeps me involved.

So do I have the credentials to do a presentation on being hot, horny, and healthy? I think so. A lot of sweat and tears, and doggone determination, have brought me to more satisfaction in my sexual self-esteem.  All I can say is I’m going to stay on the ride and experience life to the fullest, and that’s the thrill of the ride!

*For more information on the HOT, Horny and Healthy workshop day, go  here.