This post first appeared on the bloig of AIDS New Brunswick, here.

People sometimes ask me why we still feel it necessary to recognize International Day Against Homophobia. I’m never quite sure how to answer that question in a short concise way, so instead I tell them a story. In October of 2006, I was sitting in my (then) favourite study hall frantically looking for a topic for a soon to be overdue sociology paper. I was in my first year of university, I had been openly gay for about two months, and I was adamant that I was going to write a paper about something gay. I was reading something from some online source when I noticed an article about Matthew Shepard, and in particular about the eighth anniversary of his death. I sort of knew about Matthew but since I was only 10 when he died, my memory was sketchy at best. I began to read the article, and before I had finished I was in tears. I was in the middle of an unbearably quite study hall, surrounded by my peers, balling my eyes out.

If you’re not familiar with the Matthew Shepard case, this will serve as an introduction, and I encourage you to read more about the subject. Matthew was a gay male born in Casper, Wyoming in 1976. At the time of his death he was a Political Science major at the University of Wyoming in Laramie. The details are as such. On October 6th, 1998 Matthew was at a local bar in Laramie when two men approached him, told him that they were gay, and offered him a ride home. He never made it home.

Instead the two men drove Matthew to the middle of a field, beat shit out of him, tied him to a fence, and left him to die. Left there in a coma, he was eventually found 18 hours later by a cyclist who initially thought he was a scarecrow because he was beaten so badly. Matthew never regained consciousness, and died on October 12th, 1998. Incidentally, this story was the inspiration for Melissa Etheridge’s song titled Scarecrow.

It’s usually at this point that my audience interrupts me and points out that this happened more than a decade ago, AND it was in the States. They say we don’t have this type of homophobia today, and that “things have changed”. I agree in part, after all in 2002 Oshawa Ontario’s Marc Hall took the Durham Catholic School Board to court because he was not allowed to attend the prom with his boyfriend, and won, and in 2005 same-sex marriage was legalized through the Civil Marriage act in Canada.

However, more recently and more close to home, in the early hours of April 17th, 2012, Raymond Taavel was beaten to death while leaving a local gay bar in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Not Wyoming, not North Carolina, where they just voted to ban same-sex marriage, Halifax. Only four hours from Fredericton.

We are living in a world where people are killing themselves and being killed for being gay. We are still fighting for the right to get married, and have children. I grew up in a small town in Nova Scotia, only two hours from Halifax. I have friends and family who live there. In fact, Halifax was on my list of places to live after I finished High School. This didn’t happen a decade ago, and it wasn’t in the States. It was last month, and it was in the Maritimes, it was at home.

Raymond’s death saddens me and it angers me, but more than that, it scares me. I could have been the next Matthew Shepard, any of us could have been. We’re not done with homophobia yet. Raymond was just leaving a bar, walking down the street, and he was beat to death. Is it still necessary to bring attention to homophobia? I think so.

International Day Agains Homophobia website.

You can’t help but like Francisco Ibáñez-Carrasco.  He is a handsome silvered-haired dynamo, a Latino through and through, who is enthusiastic about everything he touches, even about being alive.  Clearly Francisco loves life and that comes through in the interview which follows.

Not that his life has been an easy one.  Born in Chile forty-eight years ago, he was,  according to his 2011 profile in CATIE’s The Positive Side “raised by a poor, single mother who earned her living cleaning rich people’s houses. As a child he was molested by Catholic priests, and as a teenager he traded sex for cash. “I get along with people with an edge, with difficult lives,” he says, “because I see myself reflected in them.”"

Francisco came to Canada in 1985; within months he was diagnosed with HIV.  Says CATIE “Most of the friends he arrived with in Vancouver moved on to New York City, which was “kind of a gay Mecca in our imaginations,” he says. “We were all young gay men who didn’t know anything about AIDS. We all got infected and they all died. Some of them died of HIV-related complications; some of them died undocumented. So, yeah, there’s a trail of dead people behind me, whom I honour, of course, all the time.”"

Francisco himself was diagnosed with Kaposi’s  Sarcoma back then, its  spots covering most of his body. He saw first one and then a second partner die of AIDS-related complications. But like many others he was saved from the jaws of death by the protease inhibitors which surfaced in 1996.

Meanwhile he had been pursuing higher education at B.C.’s Simon Fraser University where he eventually earned his Ph. D in 1999 – one of the first Canadians with HIV to earn a doctoral degree. His focus since has been on research on HIV and rehabilitation and, latterly, in the training of new researchers in the field of HIV. Resident at the OHTN (Ontario HIV Treatment Network) in Toronto, he has been Program Manager of Universities Without Walls.  Just recently he has been appointed the OHTN’s Director of Education and Training.

As you’ll see, Francisco is a lively and engaging interview subject.  For this interview I asked him the questions off camera with those questions edited out, allowing Francisco’s responses to shine through.

Videography by Guy McLoughlin

Photo by Bob Leahy

As I re-entered the world of singledom, after the South African, some things became disturbingly clear

I realized that I have a post break-up habit.  Some people get a drastic hair cut. Some people gain or even lose 15 lbs. For me, after a relationship ends I tend to become a true believer in free love.   During which I made good use of all of my gentleman’s socializing networks. I could be found chatting with guys at the gym, at work, at home.  I would even travel the length of Manhattan to partake in an extra long lunch break. Just to clarify, this was NOT my prior lunch date.  Within the midst of my newly rejuvenated spurt of free love, there were a couple observations that shocked and confused me. 

Way before the South African existed in my word, I chatted with this handsome Brooklyn Boy. We met on OkCupid and we tried to set up a really real date on a couple different occasions. Unfortunately it never really worked out, so we both just gave up. While on sowing my newly found wild oats, I came across the same Brooklyn Boy, on a slightly different website, Manhunt. We chatted again and this time we were determined finally to make our date happen. Since we were chatting on a site that had the byline of “Get on, Get off” I thought I should come clean with my status. He quickly became excited and he said, “So am I, now you can fuck me raw!” Clearly, I should’ve given him a different nickname with the initials B. B. I politely declined and then literally got off. 

There was another guy, who I chatted with for quite some time.  We talked about everyday random stuff and not just about a mutual love for our freedoms.  Finally, we decided to finally set up a time to meet. Again, because we didn’t meet on Manhunt and I wasn’t sure what his intentions were, I told him my status and lo-and-behold he said he was also poz. Ok, great. There should be no weirdness. Oh, was I wrong. I also told him that I always play safe and he proceeded to tell me that he never uses protection and he basically apologized saying that he hates “rubbers” and he would never have sex with someone who insisted on using them. 

I was baffled. I know I talk a lot about my disappointment and frustration with negative guys who turn me down because of my status, now I was turned down by a positive guy who didn’t date me because I always use a condom! I felt like I had just stepped into some bizzaro universe. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I completely understand the allure of this particular practice, especially with another positive person.  But forgeting  the personal risk factors involved, I think people tend to forget that there are other STDs out there. I have a hard enough time expressing my status to a prospective date; imagine adding Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Herpes, or Syphilis to the mix! 

Another thing that completely perplexed me was the amount of people that ask me if I "parTy". I am not that naïve that I am completely unaware of this practice and on prior occasions I have been asked if I "parTy and play". And I would be remiss not to mention I did try meth once. Luckily for me the only addictive substance my body will let me consume is chocolate.  But day after day, I found myself bombarded with that question, “Do you parTy?” No, “Hello.” No, “How are you?” Just “Do you parTy?”

I would respond: “Why yes I do! When my niece turned five, you should have seen me tearing up that Disney karaoke.” 

I love my oral fixations too much to give myself meth mouth and I love my penis way too much to swing it around at every Tom, Dick, and Harry without any protection. You can call me a fuddy-duddy, but I still head the advice given to me Mr. Jiminy Cricket and I always let my conscience by my guide.

Ever since I came out of the closet for the second time with my diagnosis I made a promise to myself that I would be vocal, to anyone who’d listen, about my life as a gay man and living with HIV.

Essentially, I had practice coming clean about situations in my younger years when I talked with friends and schoolmates about my adoption from a foster home in Colombia.  I thought nothing of it, but what always amazed me was how fascinated people were with my story.  As I grew older I realized it wasn’t so much my adoption that they were interested in hearing, rather the passion I exuded in my words.

It’s always great to get my listeners to laugh when I told them I was adopted and I happened to be on sale that week and went by the name, “Baby Number 5.”  Of course I was joking!  From there on I knew that I loved to make people laugh…even over a touchy subject like HIV.  I never stop talking about my beginning HIV story and where I am now, but recently I returned my energies back towards gay rights in our country - something I hadn’t cared much about since I began with HIV.  Now I advocate for both the rights of positive people and gay people. 

I’ve endlessly told my HIV story and spoke about my background on many websites, including my own blog site and in particularly, Robert Breining’s POZ I AM site where individuals recently diagnosed can find a safe haven.  Now that it’s been over two years since my diagnosis I’ve acquired the skill to summarize my limited experience (time-wise) with HIV in a couple of paragraphs. That way it leaves the dialogue open for people to reach out to me for further details.  

I was diagnosed January 21, 2010.  I went into a severe depression that only took a downward direction when I was told that it was in my best interests to start medications right away given my low T-cell count at the time.  I began my regimen March 27, 2010 and was declared undetectable with a growing T-cell count by June.  I was lucky and once I knew that there was nothing to worry about I disclosed my status to my parents one hot July evening at home.  Following that,  I went viral with a YouTube video that disclosed my status to friends, relatives, co-workers and strangers.  The video continues to get recognition and praise for the most part and can be found at the end of this post. 

My video skills have since improved, but I’ll never forget how nervous I was when I filmed it.  It took almost a whole day to get my words right.  One can probably pick up on the fact that I stuttered with my words, trying to get all my feelings out in ten minutes (I thought it would be my only video.)  Needless to say when it was published my Facebook page, my cell phone and email FLOODED with responses from all my connections of life.  They cried and admired, making sure I was okay and that I wasn’t dying.  Talking to everyone as if I was a doctor explaining how my HIV isn’t killing me, I quickly realized that I made a breakthrough with my words and began a stepping stone for people’s idea of HIV.  Sky was the limit for me from that point on.  This coming August that video will be two years old. 

So there you have it, my HIV history in a speedy nutshell.  I’m not one for living in the past as I have a mind to just look at the road ahead- bumps and smooth terrain alike- with a little more knowledge and experience under my belt. 

I’m at a place in my life where I meet people in bars or social events and I talk about my HIV like it’s an everyday thing - because it is, in retrospect.  I know disclosing isn’t as easy for everyone, but I’d like to think my one voice will encourage others to come out, negative and positive, and talk about HIV.  Besides, I’m tired of being a third class citizen - second because I’m homosexual and third for being an HIV positive homosexual. And don’t get me started on HIV-positive women in this country as my heart will always have a place for them. 

The reason I bring this up is because I’ve transitioned my HIV story from being recently diagnosed to living with HIV.  I’m stealing the “So What, Now What?” slogan.  I live in America where the news and media is lately saturated about our President’s support for gay marriage.  Sure, I’m happy to hear about his support, but I’m one of those people that want to see action.  After all it is an election year in our country and isn’t timing just everything?  What happens if one day my body’s virus takes a turn for the worse and my partner at the time is unable to see me in the hospital? 

With my “so what, now what” attitude and my HIV in a healthy check I reassembled my fight for gay rights that I put on the backburner since January 21, 2010.  I’m still hopeful that more and more of our states and provinces will approve equal rights for all.  This will be quite a year in our country with the election, the mass hysteria over gay rights and the International AIDS Conference being held this summer in Washington, D.C.  The President won’t be able to hide then when he’s asked why America has a waiting list for medications and treatment for even one  individual too many and what he plans to do about it.  

I can’t wait when a few decades down the road I’m writing the memoir of my life and I make jokes at the fact that I remember a world that opposed gay marriage and people feared HIV.  Those were the days.  However, that future I set will only be a reality if more people like me come out from the shadows and scream about their HIV.

Like many HIVsters, I’ve made ample use of therapy; both personal and group, at times simultaneously. One might add that I am, or was, therapy-naïve – never saw much use in it, and this particular extravagance was more for the camaraderie and the drinks after it was done. In one such group session – here at Gay Men’s Health Crisis (GMHC) in New York City -- the facilitator (I believe that’s what they’re called, others go by ‘moderator’) mentioned a concept that had me spitting nails: the idea that one should develop said HIV identity. It would help us ‘get in touch’ with the supposed turmoil within.

Well, no, I said. I neither need nor want that. My identity doesn’t include an accidental disease, and I don’t do turmoil. I speak French, read books, cook, I’ve walked down Fifth Avenue in nothing but a pair of combat boots, Calvin Kleins and a big smile, am active in politics, write stuff people actually read, I’ve even met the President of the United States – the current, sane one, not that hot mess we had until three years ago. I’m a New York hipster, for crying out loud. That should suffice to establish a secure sense of self. And just who the fuck do you think you are anyway?

So, no, I don’t have any use for this particular bit of thera-blather, I said as nicely as I could. Which still, if memory serves, wasn’t all that nice. The way I was brought up – military family, you do the math – boys don’t have feelings to begin with. If you have a problem, you sit down and work on it. You certainly don’t talk about it with mom, or dad, or your friends, and if that problem resides below the waistline where the icky parts live, you’re definitely going to mind your manners and remember that polite company is wherever you happen to be. All very British, if you will, or German, rather, because that’s my actual background. If you know anything at all about that particular ethnic group, aside from their utter lack of humor, it’s that our ‘therapy’, such as it is and Freud be damned, consists of invading defenseless neighboring countries.

And all of that served me quite well, thank you very much, for a long time. Granted, being a slab of meat devoid of detectable emotion can cost you. Say, a stunning man you’re still in love with twenty years later and an ocean apart, the one you never told just how much you love him.

I find, however, that people who vigorously disclaim something – I tend to be one of those – do so for the simple reason that someone has struck very near a mark, and  continue thinking about and watching what goes on around them. And so I did. I watched those young kids, clearly terrified, walking into GMHC for probably the first time. I had a friend break down in tears over not having anyone to talk to about his status but me, not his family, not his other friends, no one in God’s creation. Just me. That other pretty young guy, maybe half my age and worth his weight in gold, crying on the street. Or that poor transgendered woman who had just had the stuffing kicked out of her by the ‘real’ women in the homeless shelter, with no idea where to go next. Just heartbreaking, and yes, I do have one. Somewhere.

I forget when it was, sometime two summers, I suppose, when the flip-side of the Anglo-Teutonic iciness came out; and that is, simply put, the idea that one has a duty to be there for others. The idea of duty is, I believe, one of the strongest moral forces in our world; it’s why we pay taxes and at least try not to break laws. Judaism has a very useful concept for that called ‘Tikkun Olam’, ‘Repair the World’ in Hebrew. The idea, once you strip it of all the extraneous religious verbiage, is simply this: that as human beings, we live in a society, and have a positive moral obligation to make it better for everyone. As in, stop talking, take action. So far, so good, and all emotional aloofness aside, I personally actually have a pretty good track record on that; leftwing activist and all.

I decided that my duty was to be as open about my HIV status – positive, in case you’re wondering – as I could be. That’s one reason why I write here, on Daily Kos, on Alternet, and probably more as this journey progresses. One other reason is, of course, that I like to hear myself talk, but my editors have learned to live with that, bless their hearts.

But talking alone isn’t action, is it, unless you calculate the value of being out and, God alone help us, maybe being a role model for some kids none of us may ever know. Stigma is still out there, it ruins lives, and it pisses me the fuck off.

I decided to cancel my therapy group just recently. It was getting tiresome anyway, and frankly, I’m not all that interested in the granular details of the sex life of strangers (unless I plan on being a part of it, but that’s a story for another day, and most certainly not applicable in that particular context). Instead, I joined ACT UP New York, the mothership, still around after all these years. And guess what? ACT UP still gets stuff done. Amazing, that, and I get to be a part of it.

So I guess that’s my HIV identity: I’m very much okay with everything, and so is everyone around me. I’ve done a few small things for other HIVsters, nothing to write home about, not yet at least. I’m healthy as a horse, my career is getting back on track, my relationship is solid, you get the idea. I’ve stepped out of the shadow of the disease. I’m in charge now, not some virus.

I suppose that’s the moral of the story and what my facilitator was talking about. You’ll have your own HIV identity when you own the disease, not the other way around. I really do believe that everyone can get there; and meanwhile, never shut up, raise hell, and if anyone tells you it can’t be done, laugh in their face. Because it can.

Bareback Sex: What you Need to Know.

Some guys have ‘bareback sex’ (anal sex without a condom). At ACT, we encourage men to practice safer sex by using latex or polyethylene condoms and water or silicone-based lubricant for anal sex. This is the best way of avoiding HIV infection, HIV transmission, or infection with other sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

However, we also understand that there are other ways guys can reduce their risks. While these ways are not as effective as condom use, we respect the decisions men make for themselves. Our hope is that guys can make fully informed and conscientious decisions based on accurate information, if they choose to bareback.

All adults have the right to choose the type of sex they want to have. People have the right to decide what level of risk they are willing to accept for themselves.

In partnership with the Ontario Gay Men’s Sexual Health Alliance, ACT created a comprehensive resource on gay men’s sexual health. To learn more about other ways to reduce risk when barebacking visit: www.thesexyouwant.ca

Things to Consider if you are Thinking about Bareback Sex:

■Make sure your partner is actually agreeing to bareback sex: he shouldn’t be drunk or high, or in any other type of altered state that may prevent him from making a decision he wouldn’t normally make for himself. Just because a partner didn't ask to use a condom, doesn't necessarily mean he wants to have bareback sex: perhaps he's making an assumption about your HIV status, or he doesn't feel he can ask to use a condom. Think about this.

■If you are HIV positive it’s good to be aware of the legal obligations surrounding HIV disclosure (i.e. telling your HIV status). For more information about this check out this page.

■Use lots of water and silicone based lube when fucking. Apply more lube as you fuck. Water and silicone based lube will minimize the risk of irritation to the mucosal lining of your anus which allows a route of entry for HIV and other STIs. Lube also makes the initial penetration feel good! Avoid using saliva for lube. Try silicone lube. It has a different thickness and texture than water based, is safe with condoms, and may be hotter for you.

■Spread your barebacking adventures over time to allow any potential damage to your ass to heal.

■Be aware of pain levels. Fucking may cause discomfort or sensitivity, but it shouldn’t be painful. There doesn’t have to be blood for there to be damage.

■Early withdrawal does not reduce the risk for HIV transmission, as pre-cum can also contain HIV. Early withdrawal also does not prevent the transmission of other STIs (like syphilis).

■Don’t fuck if you have open sores on your dick.

■Don’t get fucked if you have sores around your ass.

■Before getting fucked, relax your asshole as much as possible: try anal massage, get finger-fucked or rimmed (lots of foreplay!). Repeated deep breathing helps your hole open up and makes it feel good.

■It's best not to put anything (like a dildo or butt plug) that has been in another person's asshole, in your ass.

■Douching (rinsing inside the ass) makes sense. Fecal matter (shit) doesn’t make good lube! Here are some tips we’ve collected that will make your experience more pleasurable:

 o Use warm water only. Douching removes the natural protective fluids in the mucosal membranes of the ass.

 o It’s best to wait at least 60 minutes following douching before insertion to allow time for your ass fluids to regenerate.

 o If you douche often, it helps to replace the good bacteria (microflora or probiotics) in your gut. This restores balance and aids digestion and absorption. You can get probiotics from yogurt or in capsule or powder from your local health food store. We don’t recommend packaged enemas you buy at the pharmacy. Not only will this solution irritate your mucosa, it will make you shit more than you need to. If you are concerned about your bowel movements, a diet rich in fibre and plenty of water can increase your overall ‘fuck-a-bility’ in a much healthier way than regular douching.

■Urinate (piss) immediately after fucking. This can help to clean out the urethra (piss slit) and may help to flush out any bacteria.

■If you are a trans guy and are getting fucked in your front hole without a condom, be aware that you may be able to become pregnant.

■If you are HIV negative, get regularly tested for STIs and HIV. If you are HIV positive, you should be aware that STIs are infections that can have a fast and negative impact on your health and your HIV viral load, so you should also consider getting regularly tested for STIs and Hepatitis C, as many STIs often have no noticeable symptoms. Talk to your doctor, local HIV/STI information line, sexual health clinic or AIDS service organization for more information on STIs and how they impact HIV.

Some questions you may have about bareback sex.

1. How risky is barebacking for HIV transmission?

 Let’s break down the possibilities.

■If you and your partner are both HIV negative, then there’s obviously no risk for HIV transmission. However, you may not really know the HIV status of your partner, or you may be assuming that his HIV status is the same as yours. In addition, you might think that you are HIV negative because you got tested: but when were you last tested for HIV? Six months ago? A year ago? Longer? Have you had unprotected anal sex with others since your test, and as a result become infected with HIV? You might have HIV and not know it: studies have shown that almost 20% of gay and bi men who think they are HIV negative actually have HIV.

■If you are HIV negative while your partner is HIV positive, unprotected anal sex is high risk for HIV transmission. The Canadian AIDS Society’s HIV Transmission Guidelines define "high-risk" practices as those presenting the real potential for HIV transmission because they involve an exchange of body fluids such as semen, vaginal fluid, blood or breast milk. In addition, a significant number of scientific studies have repeatedly associated those practices with HIV infection.

2. How safe is barebacking for other sexually transmitted infections (STIs)?

There are several STIs that you are at risk of getting if you have bareback sex. These include chlamydia, gonorrhea, Hepatitis B and C, genital warts, herpes and syphilis. Having an STI can weaken your immune system, which is a concern if you are living with HIV. Having an STI also increases the risk of HIV transmission. We've seen a dramatic increase in syphilis among gay and bisexual men in Toronto and other parts of Ontario. Syphilis can be easily spread through bareback (condomless) anal sex.

 3. Is it true the ‘top’ is at less risk for getting HIV than the ‘bottom’?

Yes, you are less likely to be infected as the top than the bottom, but the risk isn’t eliminated. According to a study in Australia, around 1 in 5 men who recently contracted HIV were tops. In a research study published in 2007, among a sample size of 102 gay and bi men who were recently diagnosed HIV-positive, 10 of them were infected despite being the top.

4. I have weighed the pros and cons of barebacking, and I’ve decided to do it. Is there anything wrong with that?

Bareback sex is not morally “wrong”. There are a many things really hot about it; however it does have greater risks. These may or may not be worth it to you. We believe knowledge is power. If you chose to bareback, we encourage you to be as informed as possible. Use the information here and in the suggested resources to be as informed as possible and reduce the risks to you and others.

5. I’m HIV positive and I choose to bareback. Why don’t other guys take responsibility for protecting themselves if they want to?

Well, some men assume that if their partner doesn't tell them they are HIV positive then they must be HIV negative. If you are HIV positive, and you don't tell your partner, and he assumes you are HIV negative, you are putting him at risk for HIV infection. Everyone should take responsibility for protecting themselves and their sex partners. If you are HIV positive, you should be aware that you could be charged for failing to disclose (tell your sex partner) your HIV positive status. Find out more about this issue here. 

There are many reasons why guys will consent to bareback sex without knowing the HIV status of their sexual partner:

■You might think that bareback sex is hotter than sex with a condom and so it's worth the risks;

■You might assume something that a guy said in his online profile indicates he is into barebacking (e.g. if he says he likes it "wild" or is into "pig play")'

■You might be HIV positive and assume that your partner is also HIV positive;

■You might be HIV negative and assume that your partner is also HIV negative;

■You might assume that your partner actually knows his HIV status;

■You might have an allergy to latex;

■He might be so hot that you feel like you don't care if you use condoms;

■You may be uncomfortable or afraid to mention condom use for fear of being rejected;

■You may be anxious about using condoms for fear of losing your erection;

■You may be really turned on during sex and decide, at the moment, that it’s worth the risk;

■You may be drunk or high;

■You may have been rubbing your dick against his hole, and slipped it in for a bit and decided to just keep going;

■You or he may not be fully aware of the risks.

6. I’m HIV negative and I choose to bareback. Wouldn’t someone who is HIV positive tell me before having sex?

Some guys might think they are HIV negative (because their last HIV test was 'negative'), but may have done something since that last test to cause them to become infected with HIV. They assume they are HIV negative, but in fact they aren't. Studies have shown that most new HIV transmission happens between guys who both think they are HIV negative, but one of them has been recently infected with HIV and doesn't yet know it. Studies have shown that when someone is newly infected with HIV, they have very high amounts of HIV circulating in their blood, semen, rectal and vaginal secretions, making HIV transmission likely.

Also, not all men may disclose that they have HIV before having sex with you. There are many reasons for this. They might assume that since you didn’t ask to use a condom, you are also HIV positive. It takes a lot of guts to tell someone you have HIV. Often, HIV positive men are rejected once they reveal their HIV status, but if they don’t say anything, they won’t get rejected. In a casual sex encounter, what would you do?

7. I’m HIV positive and I only bareback because I feel I will be rejected if I tell my potential partners of my status.

This is a valid concern. We all know that discrimination happens against people who are HIV positive - even within the gay community. Remind your partner that people who are HIV negative should also be using condoms, as someone could be infected and not know it - people have often had risky sex since their last HIV test.

8. I’m HIV negative and I’m worried that if I ask to use a condom, my partner might believe I am HIV positive.

That could happen. But what if your partner is HIV positive and assumes that you are also HIV positive since you did not ask to use a condom? You could tell your partner that you’re HIV negative and you would like to use a condom. If he then says ‘if you know you’re HIV negative, why not forget the condom’, you can tell him that there are other STIs to think about. You can also tell him that research studies show that up to 20% of gay or bi guys who think they are HIV negative, are in fact HIV positive but don't know it: they may have been tested quite some time ago, and got HIV since their last test. They think they are HIV negative, but in fact they aren't.

9. My partner and I are both HIV positive. Why shouldn’t we bareback?

It’s your choice to have condomless sex together. We’re not saying you should or shouldn’t do it. You should talk to your partner (if you have sex with other people) about the kinds of sex you have with others. STIs, like syphilis, are still a risk to you, and can compromise your ability to fight HIV. STIs increase your viral load (a measure of the amount of HIV in your blood), and certain STIs can progress much more rapidly in people living with HIV. If you are HIV-positive and have bareback sex, it's important to get tested regularly for STIs and Hepatitis C.

10. I feel guilty whenever I bareback. Why do I sometimes slip up and have unprotected sex?

We’re all human. Nobody is perfect. Try to better understand the situations in which you get involved in unprotected sex. Where are you usually? How are you typically feeling? What reasoning do you use to make it more acceptable for you to have unprotected anal sex? Does your partner pressure you?

Just because you might occasionally 'slip up' and have unprotected sex doesn't mean you are necessarily a 'barebacker'. Some guys feel that sex without a condom is more care-free, more pleasurable and exciting. Others are worried about rejection, or about losing their erection. If you really want to be using condoms for anal sex (and there are many good reasons to do this!), there are ways you can experience intense pleasure and intimacy. And, you can learn to wear a condom and keep your dick hard.

11. I bareback because it’s an intimate feeling; I feel closer to my partner.

Some believe having unprotected anal sex is the ultimate, most intimate, sex act. There’s nothing wrong with believing that. But what about other sexual acts that might give you the same, or nearly the same level of intimacy with your partner? There are many different ways to feel intimacy with a partner and anal sex without a condom is only one of them. Try exploring other aspects of your sex life.

12. I am HIV positive but I take anti-HIV medications and my viral load is undetectable. Doesn't this mean that barebacking is OK because I can't transmit the virus?

While anti-HIV medications can dramatically reduce the amount of virus in your blood (and other body fluids), therefore reducing the likelihood of an HIV positive person passing on HIV to an HIV negative sex partner, there remains the possibility of HIV transmission.

Viral load is the amount of virus in a specific sample amount of blood. When a viral load is so low that it can’t be measured with common testing procedures, it is called ‘undetectable’. Some people call this ‘zero viral load’, but the virus is still present - it just means the number of copies of HIV is too low for routine tests to detect. Although it's quite rare, research studies have shown that some people with an undetectable viral load in their blood may have a viral load in their cum (or rectal secretions, or vaginal secretions) that is high enough to pass HIV onto their partners. Most of the time, guys with undetectable blood viral loads who are taking their anti- HIV medications as prescribed, and get regularly tested for STIs (and treated for STIs if need be!), also have undetectable viral loads in cum and rectal secretions. Having an undetectable viral load clearly reduces the likelihood of HIV transmission, but we can't rule out the possibility that HIV transmission still can occur. Condoms can provide that additional protection.

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