Dakota Cochrane  was a favourite of the Sean Cody gay porn studio, performing under the stage name of "Danny". Cody’s porn mostly features straight men who act ‘gay for pay.’  I looked up Danny. He is adorable, sexy, a sculptured body, butt and dick.  Totally yummy!  As I looked up Danny’s performance at Cody’s site,  I had to keep my own biases in check.  Is he really straight?  

What is so controversial about porn? It is a multi-billion dollar industry. Many people of all sexual orientations and gender identities enjoy it and indulge in it. It is not illegal. It may be against certain religious values-but is not a crime to watch it or act in one. So why all the drama when Dakota a winner in the MMA disclosed his past?

I do not know what is the shelf life of a porn star? But Dakota made sixteen gay porn movies. Is that too few or too many for a career in porn?  He got paid $80,000 while a college student at the University of Nebraska-Kearney, where he was a standout track athlete.

Two messages on the MMA site . . .  “BTW I don’t care what Cochrane says, to me he’s gay. I couldn’t do any of the stuff he did, no matter how much they may try to pay me." 

Another message in response, “But I don’t think it makes him gay. He did gay sexual acts, but being gay is deeper than that…it’s a lifestyle.  It's emotions you feel for the same sex. I believe he has and did have a GF all while filming those videos. To me he is straight….but was paid to perform gay acts. It’s a tough debate, one I actually argued about in College for “lifestyle.”

In defence of his past, Danny has said, “Yeah, it’s true, it’s something I did a long time ago. It was a mistake and it was in the past. I’m just trying to move on to bigger and better things now. I’ve dealt with this stuff ever since I did it. I did those movies for the money and people are going to opinionated, and there’s going to be haters, but those people that actually know me and care about me as a person know it was a mistake.”  

But for the many spectators of MMA it was controversial and an indignity to their perceived notion of what makes a straight-identified man. There are numerous research studies which document that sexual behaviour is not aligned with sexual orientation. The New York City Department of Health and Mental Hygiene in 2003, found notable discordance between sexual behavior and sexual identity among MSM, 73% of whom self-identified as heterosexual. Heterosexual-identified MSM (men who have sex with men) and gay-identified MSM had different demographic and behavioral characteristics (Pathela.P et al, 2006). 

When the researchers were asked, “Do straight identified men have sex with men? “ Pathela et al. reported that, of the heterosexual or straight-identified men from the five boroughs of New York City, “9.4% reported having sexual intercourse with at least 1 man (and no woman) in the year before the survey.”  In the survey, 70 percent of the men were heterosexually married and 10 percent of all married men in this survey reported engaging in same-sex behavior.”  

For me, what is controversial is a sport that glorifies and rewards barbaric brutal beating of each other to a pulp in a cage, while the testosterone of the audience spikes up with each bone crushing blow. I have watched this once on TV. I do not understand how anyone gets a thrill from watching humans beat each other up. For me this speaks of a culture and society that breeds’s violence and sanctions it as sport.

The sexism and homophobia that spewed out of the MMA websites sadly reflects much more work needs to be done to educate the masses in sexual behavior, sexual desires, sexual expression and so forth.  For the audience who drool over men caged, sweating, semi dressed, muscles galore, and fighting - well...it borders on homoerotic sport.  To the folks who say, “I would never do what he did regardless of how much money is paid”, do not judge until you've walked a mile in Dakota’s shoes..     

Do any of us believe none of the MMA audience watches straight porn where women are objectified and degraded for the pleasure of straight men and their fantasies?  Would it be different if Dakota has disclosed he acted in straight porn and fucking women in the ass?  Would that make him a hero, a role model?  And just what if in the women’s version of extreme sports, a woman contestant disclosed she had acted in straight porn or in lesbian porn. It is only too well know that many straight men fantasize of women-on-women action.  A world of double standards!  

In defense of his heterosexual identity, Dakota has a son with his fiancé Lacey. He adds,  “You know, I’m marrying Lacey (his fiance) April 14th, and she was of course hesitant at first about my fighting career, but now she is one of not only my biggest supporters, she helps me in ways that are just immeasurable by putting up with my training, my travel, my fighting. Behind every man is a good woman, that addage is so true that words cannot express my gratitude. Support is huge in this game, and not having to worry about so much takes a huge burden off of me, and her being the best person in my “corner” says a lot about her makeup as a person. She is amazing. Enough said.” 

The shaming of gay sex or anal sex as non–hetero normative behaviour must end.   As it is, there is enough homo/bi/transphobia to last a few lifetimes without add on.  In my opinion, if Dakota could just say, “I gave it like a man and took it like a man” it would be more redeeming than saying “I regret doing gay porn.”  Everyone has a past and some we are proud of and some not so proud of.  We all make choices based on the options before us.  It is not about good or bad - it is just a decision.  That is life and we grow as a person.   

Research in to human sexual behaviour documents that a high percentage of straight men are into anal sex.  “But the newly discovered anti-cancer benefits of prostate stimulation are giving the straight guy, a legitimate excuse” to be more open to spreading his butt cheeks.  And men’s magazines, “now publish articles on the Aneros — the doctor-created, FDA-approved prostate stimulator—and the male G-spot, a.k.a. the P-spot, a.k.a. the He-spot.”  But didn’t we gay/queer men already known about the G, P and He spot?More of straight man into gay sex  here. 

But the fact a straight identified mixed martial arts fighter took it up his butt is an attack on many straight men as it is an attack on the insecurity of their own sexuality.  Because if Dakota, a tough fighter, can indulge in gay porn and admit to it, which to me says a lot of his integrity and honestly, maybe some of the anally retentive straight identified patrons can learn a lesson or two.  

The lesson for gay men who label a particular sexual behaviour as ownership of a sexual orientation is also problematic.  A sexual act or sexual behaviour does not equate to sexual orientation as much as the fact we would like to label a person in a box.   Labelling people restricts people and creates stigma.  They are subjected to further labels and stereotypes, not to mention prejudice and oppression.   

As for Dakota’s fight in the UFC, he lost the match.  He could write a best seller and  - who knows, Hollywood might just make a movie about it. At least then Dakota could be paid millions and retire on a sun-soaked island.

As I reflect on the gay porn industry, would I do porn if I was offered $80,000?  Hmm!  Pay off the mortgage? If I have a body like Dakota? “Yes, I would.” But I would ask for a lot more than $80,000.  A question we all could be asking ourselves. Knowing well, in porn your assets would be up there in cyber world for all to view.  It is sex and it is about pleasure.  Porn is mostly about fantasy.  When I think of the number of times I had the ultimate boring sex (UBS) I look back and wish I got paid for it. I could be quite rich.  

Sources:

http://www.winnipegfreepress.com/sports/cochrane-hopes-to-stand-out-on-tuf-for-fighting-ability-not-gay-porn-past-141944803.html

http://queermenow.net/blog/danny-the-hot-sean-cody-porn-star-is-now-the-mma-fighter/

http://www.seancody.com/page.php?frame=movie_index&model=357

http://www.midwestfightersfocus.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=358:dakota-cochrane&catid=36:news

http://www.mmafighting.com/2012/3/9/2858598/dakota-cochrane-loses-wont-move-in-to-the-ultimate-fighter-house

 

As we stride into 2012, it’s time to reflect on our connections to the world.  Deep within the psyche our thoughts transcend to the conscious, sub-consciousness and super- conscious mind.  In some circles it is known as the divine incarnate within us.

There is a saying in Sanskirt, “Tat tvam asi.”  It means “That art thou,” or "You are that, I am that." It means we all are of the one source; we are of everything and nothing. Tat tvam asiis found in the Upanishads, and refers to our experience of "identity" with Brahman.  Brahman is the one supreme universal spirit.  When we can see Brahman in all things, the basis for our love of others is that they also are one with Brahman. I have spent many years contemplating this concept.  

In this article, I have chosen to portray the spiritual and religious essence of our being through the writing and spiritual experiences of five gay/queer men. These men have made remarkable strides in gay spirituality and LGBT rights.  They are leaders and visionaries and have contributed immensely to the body of work for queer communities.  They have opened the doors to gently nudge us into exploring a deeper sense of our belonging in the mystical world of spirituality and sensuality, be it western or eastern.   Their literary works, spiritual wisdom and journeys speak to the core of who we are.  They are: Joey Crinita, Christopher Isherwood, Richard Albert (Ram Dass), Mark Thompson and Andrew Harvey.

I write of contemporary gay western mystics. The oldest queer mystic that I have ever read about is the Sufi mystic Shah Hussain who fell in love with a Hindu man Madho Lal in the 16^th century in Pakistan. Hussain expressed his love by adopting his friend's name. He would call himself Madho Lal Hussain. His poetry remains popular and millions throng his grave at the Mughal era garden, Shalamar Bagh, in Lahore, to celebrate Mela Charaghan (the Festival of Lights) every March.” Hundreds of years later their love for each other is still celebrated in Pakistan. Sufi Islam is the mystical sect of Islam.  

Joey Crinita, Our very own Canadian gay spiritualist and mystic, I have had the privilege of knowing Joey for over 20 years. He has been instrumental in sharing spiritual and esoteric knowledge, meditation techniques, and in bringing an understanding of religion to many in the gay, lesbian, bi and trans communities.  Joey’s warmth and kindness interjects a spiritual force that invites the seeker into knowing  and understanding his or her place in this world.  Joey latest book This Medium’s Life speaks of his growing years as a young gay men and finding religion and God. The book is available via amazon.com. His other books include, The Medium Touch, A New Approach to Mediumship, From Chains to Wings, The Journey Into Spirit and Healing Poems of Spirit.

Christopher Isherwood His novel spawned the movie A Single Man. He also spent close to three decades learning from Swami Prabhavananda in India, learning spirituality, religion and the God within.  He also translated the  book Sermon on the Mountain –based on Christ`s teachings.  Swami Prabhavananda was a follower of Shri RamaKrishna who embodied God-like experiences on earth.  Christopher was told by Swami Prabhavananda to see God in his lover/partner. It was a challenge for Christopher as it would be for most of us mortals.  Christopher`s other contributions to spiritual writing include, Bhagavad Gita, The Song of God, by Prabhavananda and Isherwood;  Vedanta for Modern Man (1945); Ramakrishna and His Disciples; Essentials of Vedanta; My Guru and His Disciple,

Ram Dass I used to listen to Ram Dass talks and his readings and it never dawned on me he was gay until much later. His birth name was Richard Albert.  He was a professor of psychology at Harvard University, worked at Yale University and Stanford.  He is one of the most enlightened contemporary spiritual leaders of our time and well known for his working relationship with Dr. Timothy Leary. He is also the author of the best seller, Remember, Be Here Now.  

During the 80’s Richard was going through his own spiritual search.  His quest for spiritual knowledge was intense. With few teachers available, he traveled to India in 1967 and there he met Bhagavan Das,

Bhagavan guided “Richard barefoot from temple to temple, and began teaching him basic mantras (sacred chants) and asanas (yoga postures), as well as how to work with spiritual beads.   After a few months, Bhagavan Das led Richard to his guru, Neem Karoli Baba (also known as Maharaj-ji) at the foothills of the Himalayas.  Maharaj-ji soon became Richard’s guru and gave him the name "Ram Dass," which means "servant of Lord Rama." Under the guidance of Maharaj-ji, Ram Dass was instructed to receive teaching from Hari Dass Baba, who taught in silence using only a chalkboard.”   

A good story on the power or lack of LSD: Richard realized he had met a special human being in Hari Dass Baba. He came to appreciate Hari Dass Baba even more, “the day Baba asked him about the tiny pieces of paper he was eating.  “LSD, Richard responded.”  Baba replied, “Give me some.” Baba took 915 micrograms of LSD (the average dose is 50 to 70 micrograms). He waited with interest for the outcome of the acid trip his teacher was about to have. But he observed with astonishment, the acid didn’t change Baba. The LSD had no effect on him.  Baba lived in an expanded state of consciousness that the drugs temporarily created for Richard.  He knew he had found the map-reader to teach him the mysteries he longed to understand.  These life changing experiences in India inspired Ram Dass to write the contemporary spiritual classic, Remember, Be Here Now.  Richard teaches that everyone is a manifestation of God and that every moment is of infinite significance. For an e-copy of the classic book, see here and his website.

There are numerous videos online on addiction, relationships and love, by Ram Dass. Here is one on Talking About Being Gay, Being Soul Friends, and Just Being. 

Mark Thompson, A writer who embodies the spiritual gay essence.  In the late 1980’s I had just read The Gay Spirit: Myth and Meaning by Mark. I was so moved by the jewels of wisdom in the book that I called Mark then when he worked at the Advocate.  It was a book that truly touched my soul and what it meant to be queer.

Mark interviewed Ram Dass in 1994 about being gay for his second book The Gay Soul: Finding the Heart of Gay Spirit and Nature.   Most people in the spiritual/ meditative communities who knew of Ram Dass did not know he was gay. Likewise many in the gay community had never heard of Ram Dass.  Mark’s third book in the trilogy was Gay Body: A Journey Through Shadow to Self. Through the books I heard about the Radical Faeries, a group that still exists today. You will read about Harry Hay, the founder of the first gay political group on gay rights and founder of Gay Pride. Harry’s vision of Gay Pride was spiritual; I wonder what he would say of Gay Pride now.  

In an excerpt from the Gay Body, we read about the archetype of queer love - the Double. “We see the Double overtly reflected in the deeds of men who have bonded together for the sake of achievement.” “The Double is one the most important and ascendant elements within a gay male psyche.”  “Myths are sacred time. Myths are pertinent to psychological understanding ……..”  "They transcend the daily condition of our life and take us to another world.  Sometimes it even holds promise of a better way. ”   

Andrew Harvey My previous partner gave me a cassette titled, Gay Mysticism: Ecstasy and Transfiguration through Divine Love. Listening to Andrew’s spiritual awakening via eros was mind blowing and when he talked of his vision it was addictive.  Even more coincidentally, it had all happened on his return to India.  Andrew was born in India and left for the west and returned to India. While in India, he had intense spiritual/religious experiences that solidified his yearning of a gay religious sense of being.  When I read of his experiences it opened the doors in my own being and sense of identity that I intuitively understood. His experiences validated and deepened my beliefs.    

In his new book The Hope: a Guide to Sacred Activism, he defines Sacred Activism as “a force of compassion in action destined to midwife the birth of a new humanity able to co-create with the Divine a new world.”  More writing by Andrew at Institute for Sacred Activism,

It is my hope that each of us delve a little deeper into our soul to search for our place in this universe and make this a better and happier world. Blessings. 

 

Happy New year and here’s to an amazing 2012.  I want to start the year by showcasing Jamie from Australia.  Jamie is the founder of Poz Vibrations, a labour of love and hard work!   I love his line, “People with HIV deserve love, sex and friendship.” You can check out Poz Vibrations at www.pozvibrations.com or on Twitter: @pozvibrations

He is world travelled and has been to Canada.   His lovely experience of the freezing winter in Ottawa was complemented by Christmas.  It was his first and only white Christmas.

Jamie has lived in many places in Australia mostly within NSW and currently reside in the north coast of NSW.  Jamie, says, “life is good at the moment and looks promising for the future as well.”  He can check out the hot farming guys in the morning and take a scenic drive to see the surfy guys at the beach after lunch.  Now that a great immune booster!  His home office is surrounded by nature, trees and wild life! Sounds fabulous to me.

Jamie describes himself as a down to earth country man and has had some extremely rewarding moments in life.  He  moved to Sydney at the age of 17 after coping as a young "closeted" gay man in the country. He was teased to the point of torment by his brothers.  But he knew back then he was a strong willed guy and their torments just made him stronger.  The experience helped him later in life.   He is an Aquarian, likes the unusual and speaks his mind

I put a series of questions to Jamie to know the man behind Poz Vibrations

Devan: Can you tell us more about the Australian gay scene and the hot men from Australia?

 Jamie: I have been on the gay scene since I was 17 years old. Now  I am now in my 40’s. Australia’s gay scene is fun, lively and very colourful. I would recommend it to anyone to come and have a look at it. I am not greatly involved in the “gay scene” in Australia, preferring to be a gay man living my life, not screaming gay and not a straight man -  just me.   It’s a nice way to live, to be comfortable in who I am. Poz Vibrations has helped me do that as well.  The gay men in Australia range from great guys who are not so hot in the looks department but have a heart of gold, to sizzling hot guys that contribute to global warming each time they take their clothes off.  Yes just like you hot Canadian men!. OMG you lumberjack mountain men, you’re so hot! I love mountain men, don’t you?  We all want to see and chat to you on Poz Vibrations Please join us now!

Devan: What prompted you to start the website? What has been the experience so far?

 Jamie: PozVibrations.com website was launched in April 2009. HIV+ dating can often be a difficult thing.  With limited or no Australian based on-line dating support for people with HIV, I created PozVibrations.com with a co-founder that I have now bought out.   At that time I had lived with HIV for 17 years.   I knew of the need for a safe and secure dating solution in the HIV+ community, online in Australia and one that is different to what is available worldwide.   One that does not come with the comments and rejection from other profile members that can be experienced on other dating and hook up sites that are not targeted to HIV+ people.  I saw there is a need to provide dating services in more ways than one.  People with HIV deserve love, sex and friendship!  At Poz Vibrations.com we provide a safe, secure and simple way for likeminded people to meet, chat, hook up for sex or whatever adults want to do.  By utilizing a safe online dating site, friendships, or more can be easy, for what is often a difficult task for people with HIV.

My experience so far is it’s a huge amount of work, but incredibly rewarding!  I do get negative comments from some members saying it’s not like other sites they are used to for some reasons.  Some members like nude pictures, some members don’t, some don’t like the site colours some do.  But then I will get an email or message from out of the blue from a guy who thanks me for opening the door to his life again.  Like an email from a member who has locked himself away for years, due to isolation.   Another email from a member at Poz Vibrations, saying “your site has let me communicate again without the fear of rejection.”  Another email simply saying, “Thank You!”.  That’s why I built it and that’s why I stay with it even with limited support from the large HIV+ support agencies.  

Devan: What is the vision of Poz Vibration? In ten years, what would you like Poz Vibrations to have accomplished?

 Jamie: Now that I am the sole owner of Poz Vibrations my vision of Poz Vibrations is quite achievable over time but I am looking for some IT help to get a newer version of the site going.

I have started to return monies back to the local poz community with a small donation given to one of our HIV support agencies. I am also able to give away more free time then before so more low income or fixed income members can use Poz Vibrations.  Over Australian $4,000 in free memberships was given out this year for World AIDS  Day.

My vision for Poz Vibrations to have accomplished in 10 years is to have helped as many HIV+ people as possible to reconnect with being social, to being proud and to being themselves.   Poz Vibrations in 10 years, I hope, will be a site with tens of thousands of proud profile holders, all enjoying life to the fullest.  In many respects I hope that in ten years’ time Poz Vibrations will not exist for the reason it is needed now.  In ten years’ time it’s my hope that HIV+ people will not face the same stigma and online discrimination of other mainstream dating and hook up sites. That in ten years’ time Poz Vibrations will have profiles of guys and girls who log onto the site to connect with others around the world as a social networking site of “true to themselves” down to earth people who are proud to say “Hi my name is ****** I live in your town would you like to meet for a coffee and a chat one day”?

Devan: What about the feedback from the gay poz men's community in your city.

Jamie Feedback from gay Poz guys is mixed.  It ranges from “love the site, thank you for building it” to “it’s not like other sites and you should do this and you should do that and you should have it free as all HIV+ people should have everything free.”   Yes,  Poz Vibrations is not like other sites!!  And  no , HIV+ people should not get everything free!  Hence the mixed response from the poz community. Again no site will ever please all the people all the time, it’s in some people’s nature to complain and it’s in others to support the efforts of others.  It’s just life.

Devan: The site has been around for 2. 5 years, what changes have you made?  Has the membership requested anything specific?

Jamie: We have upgraded our software and have relaxed our rules slightly per the request of members.  We now permit nude pics and more sexual text in member’s profiles.  We also give away more free time to members who use the site often. It’s impossible to please all members all the time. Some people like one thing but other members may hate it. So it’s a case of hoping the majority like what Poz Vibrations offers.

Devan: Is the general membership free and are there any perks for paid membership?

Jamie: Yes it’s free to join. That gets your profile up on the site where you can upload pics and fill out your profile. The site is secure and all profiles are read and checked by me before they are given access to the main area of the site.  If a profile does not seem right or has comments that are not in line with Poz Vibrations the profile does not get approved.   I make contact with the profile owner and all is worked out.   I do spot checks on profiles to ensure members are still active and that the profile owner is still logging in.

Poz Vibrations deletes profiles if they do not have most areas filled out after the request to fill out the profile is sent.  Poz Vibrations is about members participating, not just lurking on the site.  So hopefully no creepy faceless info-less profiles are on Poz Vibrations. Some guys don’t like it and complain they have to fill out a profile to gain access to the other member’sprofiles but then again we don’t like blank profiles. So it’s put in an effort and get let in, or stay out.   For security reasons only paid, subscribed members can make contact with other members.

Devan: How can Canadian or poz men from other countries help support the site?

Jamie: The best way guys from other countries can support Poz Vibrations is to know it is not just for Australians but for the whole world to join.  We have many guys from the USA joining and some guys from Canada have already joined. 

Our normal annual subscription fee is less than 80 Cents AUD per week but if Canadian guys join and upload 3 pictures with their profile filled out they get the first 6 month free with no obligation after that.  If you join and you blow Poz Vibrations away with steaming hot profile pics and or an amazing profile you may get a full year free. Poz Vibrations is not driven by money and many free months are given away to profile’s that stand out.

Can you make your Poz Vibrations be felt around the world?

Take the plunge and fill out your profile at, www.pozvibrations.com and meet others across the world. Welcome to 2012!

 

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton addressed the United Nations on December 6, about LGBT human rights in honour of the anniversary of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. Her eloquent speech touched on the human rights of marginalized people all over the world, over the span of history, from the past to present.  It is a truly remarkable speech instilled in humanitarian values and the need to give a voice to the invisible LGBT people across the world who are fighting discrimination, alienation.  They are being criminalized and assaulted for who they are and choose to love, are not alone.   It is my hope the leaders from the 80 countries who criminalize LGBT persons will take home this message.

The Obama administration is also setting up an LGBT Task force and developing a toolkit to be used by advocacy groups across the world to document Human Rights abuse.  The administration also announced that it is instructing federal agencies and diplomats to protect and promote LGBT rights internationally.

Hilary’s speech is being heralded as a modern day "I Have a Dream"  speech. You can watch it below.

Part one of Devan's feature is here.

For numerous racialized LGBT, while some families will accept them, the families can face social exclusion from extended family members, friends and neighbors.  In light of this reality, many racialized LGBT weigh the pros and cons of coming out western-style. We have to recognize the coming out model we have adhered to in the last 25 years is based on the experiences of white, middle- and upper-middle class lesbians and gays.

Meem a lesbian support group in Lebanon advocates “Humans must have options vs. a binary system to adhere to.  “Meem rejects the binary between the closet and coming out – just like we reject gender and sexual binaries.”

Meem echoes, “Coming out” is often perceived as a standard validation of one’s identity, a milestone.  One that legitimizes our sexual/gender identity, our sense of pride, our very own life as a queer or transgender person in this bedroom, this toilet, this office, this classroom, this building, this institution, this street, this neighborhood, this city, this country, this region, this world. When I come out, whether I am aware of it or not, wherever I happen to be in the world, I am actually locating myself and ascribing to an internationally recognized LGBT spectrum of progress.  In Meem, we’re ambiguously visible. This ambiguity becomes anti-productive to our movements when we situate our politics within an International (read “Western”) framework of coming out /visibility.”

As a racialized queer man who has lived in Toronto for over 30 years I have seldom identified with the gay social senses in North American; the taste in “gay culture” or the media version of gay/queer.  The longer I live in the pink bubble, the less I identify with the labels. It’s suffocating to be boxed in.

When we dissect the "norms” created by gay/queer culture in North America: gay men like to  patronize bathhouses, gay men like quickies, gay men are into open relationships,  gay men must identify as top, bottom, versatile, butch, passive, etc.  In my circles, we rebel against these imposed norms. From my observation, numerous gay men have never experienced intimacy and yet long for it.  I believe many gay men are seeking intimacy but in the process experience a hundred heart breaks in a hyper-sexualized gay culture.  When gay men hold hands in public it is all too often a political statement vs. one based on intimacy.

I have come to view these imposed norms and labels as dismissive of the multidimensional aspect of our human nature and our choice of just being.  Why do we have to subscribe to a series of gay social prescriptions just because of who we chose to love?  Many racialized LGBT have entirely different values, norms, beliefs based on their cultural and spiritual/religious practices. However, this seldom gets spoken in the dominant white LGBT movement.

So what gives in the end?  For myself I have started discarding the layers of North American gay/queer labels and norms.  It gives me the freedom to taste what my soul desires without being caught in the politics and cross-fire of the queer soul.   Every now and then I look in the mirror and say to myself, “I love you.”

As we embark on 2012, here are a couple of simple exercises to reclaim your inner-self.

Exercise 1:  Perform this at the end of the day. Have a small mirror and lay down on your bed. Have a writing journal and pen by your side. Hold the mirror up and look at your face and scan your face and look at each feature closely. Observe your forehead, chin, ears and facial features.   Study the contours of your face and look deep into your eyes. What are the feelings that come to you?  Put the mirror down and jot down your  feelings.

Exercise 2:  Lying in bed, hold the mirror up.  Smile at yourself, the way you would at someone you love and care about deeply.  Smile to yourself and say out loud, “I deeply and completely accept myself. Even though I have …………. I deeply and profoundly accept myself.” I love myself very much and I am absolutely gorgeous.” “I love myself very much.”  Say it with convictions and believe it.  Repeat at least three times.

Now kiss your reflection in the mirror-just like you would kiss a lover or partner.  Observe your face as you perform the kiss. Notice the emotions that arise. Notice the reflection in your eyes. What do you feel? Joy, sadness, confusion or wow!  Note down the thoughts in your journal.  Inquire what those feelings mean to you as we all give each feeling a meaning.  If the meaning does not serve you well, it is time to let it go.

One of the benefit of lying on the bed, is that you notice gravity has its benefits. The facial lines are less and you look remarkably youthful. Now that’s  a perfect way to kick start 2012!!

Have a WONDERFUL NEW YEAR -  and the best of life! 

For many years I have contemplated the concept of coming out from a Eurocentric perspective. Here's a simple question: if we all have come out, why is there still a high prevalence of mental health issues, a lack of self-esteem, self-confidence, self–respect and self love, intimacy issues and internalized homophobia in the gay men’s community that bars institutional and societal homo/bi/transphobia.  What are we missing?

For me coming out  occurs when I am in my traditional clothes in the tropics.  I feel totally free, devoid of any sexual politics and am just being.

I read a recent article by Ibrahim in his blog on Coming In and Out of The Closet (Ibrahim identifies as gay, and is also HIV positive.  He is a Muslim from the Middle East (or the politically correct word is, west of Asia). Ibrahim was writing on the cultural meaning of “coming into my world” vs. coming out.  For me, his writing was a breath of fresh air.  I have lived in the west for 32 years; and have heard the mantra of ‘come out, come out’ over and over.  Folks are berated for not coming out.  But for many people from non-western cultures, coming out can be a Eurocentric approach to reclaiming one’s sexual orientation.

In workshops I have presented on racialized LGBT and the concept of “coming out”, some racialized LGBT folks have mentioned coming out is not on top of their list of priorities.  One participant at the workshop said, “I am so glad you addressed the issue of coming out. From my race and culture, this coming out is a white thing.  We do not see the need to come out and tell everyone.”

Some racialized LGBT persons ask “what am I coming out to?  Do I get a prize?”

While coming out by and large means universally embracing your sexual orientation, it is a much more complex process.  I know of numerous gay/MSM men outside North America who are very content, maybe even blissful, without ever coming out.  So what gives?

In his blog, Ibrahim states “ . . . many would argue that I need to follow this phase with a coming-out and gay-pride phase if I want to prove my sincerity.”  He strongly objects and believes that gay pride should not be an essential factor in the process. He says  “I can accept gayness as nothing less than being straight; however, I do not see why I should see it as more. I do not think I need to wear a pink thong and wave rainbow flags in the gay parade to be at the status of normal and stable mentality. My wish is to be 100 percent honest when I say that I see a person who is gay as just as different as someone who has green eyes.”

Like Ibrahim, I also view gay pride celebrations, especially Toronto Pride, with ambivalence.  But my deeper question is, “have you come out fully to yourself. Do you accept yourself for who you are in every way? Are you proud of you, regardless of what anyone tells you?”

While we all seek external validation of who we are, I believe the internal validation is even more important. It comes down to “do you love yourself for who you are? Can you look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I love you, imperfections and all?”

For Ibrahim, “coming out of the closet seems to be the measure to how stable the person is by stating that he's reached self acceptance. In fact, LGBT persons who live in Muslim communities are doing relatively well mentally, even though some of them are still "in the closet."  Interestingly, they have decided pn another route: not to come out but rather invite people they trust in to their closet.  It's the "coming in the closet" option -- they decide with whom to share this special thing. They will ask you to explore the secrets inside this closet once they trust you.”

From a Eurocentric viewpoint “their choice should not be seen as less than the choice to come out of the closet by any means.”  Many racialized LGBT value the importance of family connections and extensions vs. being an individual.  Ibrahim emphasis, “This smart choice is their way of compromising their wish to preserve their societal values, and yet to practice a normal human behavior of sharing.  One must applaud this smart maneuver.  Huge difference lies between staying in a locked closet where no air, no feelings and no emotions can circulate (which makes this closet toxic) and a closet that is big enough even to allow people inside next to the person - a safe, protected closet.”

In the second part, we explore other alternatives of coming out from queer women across the world and two simple exercises of embracing  your absolutely beauty and queerness. Stay tuned!