It’s noon, I just finished having my breakfast!. Usually I have a banana and a bowl of cold cereal, I use the left over milk in the bowl to take some supplements. As I reach for the supplements and what do I see, my HIV medications and I realize I haven't taken them yet. This is nothing new for me, it happens often, maybe too often.

A typical morning starts this way: I wake up, head upstairs to start the morning coffee. I go to the fridge for the coffee and, if I remember, I get one of my medications, one that has to be refrigerated. I'll put it in my pocket. I finish making the coffee and then head back downstairs. Most days I will remember the pill is in my pocket but some days, I'll find it there several hours later. There was this one time when I never remembered until late in the evening so I thought I would switch the time I take them to before bed, this might be the solution for me. The med that needs to be refrigerated is a booster for one of the other pills so it seemed to be re-energizing me.  I never felt sleepy when midnight or 1 a.m. rolled around; I’d be awake until three or four in the morning.

I know it’s important for me to take the medications at the same time every day. My doctor had me complete a survey to see if I was ready and totally committed to taking them correctly. At the time I started them, the rule to follow was if the CD4 count went down to 350 I would have to start medications. We did one final test to see if they were going to go down further and they did -  I had gone down to 330. I was beginning to experience some physical health issues, so I had to leave my job. Some of it was due to side effects from the meds but I had some other issues that weren't allowing me to function well, especially first thing in the morning.

That was back in July 2010; it’s been a year and a half now. Yesterday I had to ask what day it was, Monday or Tuesday? This not working and being able to sleep in has made it impossible to set up a schedule and adhere to it. There are nights still where I can't sleep until about 3 or 4 in the morning; when I finally do fall sleep it might only be for 3 hours, sometimes 6 hours, it depends. I thought of setting the clock and waking up at the set time, take the meds and go back to bed if I could or felt I needed more sleep. The problem I had with that was remembering to set the alarm before bed.

As for my counts, well, they haven't bounced back very high. One recent test they were at 380 and then back down to 350 on the next  one, so all I seem to be doing is "hangin' in there baby". This would explain my lack of energy and becoming very lazy, resulting in yet another few pounds on the old body. Factor in this strange winter weather, a lot of grey days and rain and I just don't feel motivated to go out, not even for my favourite hobby, photography.

Oh, what to do? I think I will have to buckle down and treat the taking of my meds as a job, set that clock every night, wake up and do the job and get on with my day. I believe if I do this, my counts will climb higher, at least I hope they do.

For more information on the Importance of treatment adherence, check out this on CATIE.

Editors Note:  Another recommended site for treatment adherence ideas is that of pharmacist Bill Larson, here. Watch for a seriies of guest posts from Bill on this topic on PositiveLite.com soon.

 

Have you ever heard the phrase, "one hand doesn't know what the other hand is doing"? No, this isn't going to be another masturbation blog. It isn't based on the real meaning of the phrase either, instead, my one hand had to learn how to do what the other hand normally did.

A week ago I had gone out with a friend for breakfast. As I got in the car he asked where my camera was. I am rarely seen without my backpack and cameras but lately, it’s been so wet or cold, for some reason this year I haven't had the same need to be out there. It’s winter here but there hasn't been much snow this year, just a lot of rain and it isn't good to be wet when the weather is this cold.

However, this particular day, it felt almost like spring. The sun came out so when I was dropped off, I got the camera and headed out. Well, I was walking along the river downtown and thought I'd go down this embankment to the edge of the water. Wrong decision. The trail was a little muddy and I didn't have much tread on the shoes I was wearing, I fell. I landed on my right shoulder and I could hear the crunching as I landed. Slowly it got sore and then got unbearable, I couldn't move it much without a lot of pain.

I pulled out my phone and called a family member to come and get me and take me to the hospital. I could sense the feeling of, "what did you do now"? Ummm, this isn't a common thing, I don't have many accidents.

It turned out it wasn't as serious as I had thought, just a slight separation of the collarbone and nothing broken. It sure is taking its time getting better. I have broken the left side collarbone twice and had the rotator cuff repaired before. I am right handed so this has been quite the opposite experience. Most things, I now had to do with my left hand, I won't list them all here but you can probably guess what the list would include. Raising my arm isn't that easy still, so I haven't been doing much typing on the computer, just clicking and reading things. Luckily for me, this isn't a world where you do much writing anymore.

I was explaining to Bob, my editor here on PositiveLite.com, that I may not get anything in to him for a while, I was on the injury list. He just told me to take it easy and send something when I could. He asked if I had taken anything interesting lately so I thought of doing this as a new blog posting, another one with some of my photos. These have been taken during the fall and some were taken in December and January. The one of the concrete carving of the head with a smoke in it, its the most viewed one on my flickr.com page. I put it out on twitter and it really drew attention, The last count I saw was 256 views, Most of my pics only get 20 or 30. It could be because I named the picture "Stoned". Hmmm!

I really want this shoulder to heal:  I want to get out and get back to my hobby.

More of my photos can be found here.

Men in dresses on TV and in the movies was at one time, nothing but good comedy. Has it really changed? Personally I don’t think so; it’s just something they keep going back to when they run out of good ideas.

You would have to go back in time many years to watch the first TV show that included a man in a dress. Milton Berle, the first real television star back in the 1950’s who became known as Mr. Television and later Uncle Milty was that first man to sashay around in a dress for the sake of laughs. He created more than one female alter ego. One was a parody of Carmen Miranda with all the baubles, bangles and the fruit filled head dress.

In the late 1950s and early 60s we were introduced to a couple more men in dresses with the likes of  Jonathan Winters and his sassy little old grandmother character. Then we got to meet Flip Wilson’s “Miss Geraldine Jones”, girlfriend of “Killer”, the Queen of the phrase “the devil made me do it”. She flirted with all the stars of the day; some of the comments that came out of her were very risky sexual innuendos and considered pretty racy for the times.

Many actors have slipped into a dress to get that controversial role and the attention to make them a star. Some of those actors were superstars already or became superstars after, like Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie, Robin Williams in Mrs. Doubtfire, Tom Hanks in Bosom Buddies. Then there was White Chicks with the Waynan  Brothers. You can’t forget people like Jamie Foxx as Wanda the Massage Therapist, Jim Carrey as Vera De Milo on In Living Color  - the list goes on.

Now they have come up with another show called “Work It”  and it has started to cause a bit of a flap, so to say. I have seen a trailer from the show and the characters are unemployed at a time when job equality is the norm, so they must disguise themselves as women to get a job in sales. Like everyone in these shows, the men are men through and through, totally heterosexual. From what I see from the trailer, one of them appears to be a married man.

This is my personal opinion:  I honestly don’t see how this show can be offensive to anyone. If the characters in this show were identified as a person of any specific sexual preference other than straight then yes, it could be insulting and misrepresentative. No one in this show is struggling with sexual identity; they know they are men and they know they love women, they just have to dress as women and pretend to be women to secure employment

For several years now, Neil Patrick Harris, who is openly gay has been playing a womanizing straight guy but no one has ever protested. My mom has wondered how he gets away with it; “everyone knows he’s gay” she says.

My bottom line is this, I’d rather see a straight guy play a gay guy. Why? Because in acting, you are supposed to be able to convince your audience you are someone that you aren’t. In my opinion, Neil Patrick Harris is doing his job and doing it very well. I see other gay actors come out in real life; they either disappear or they take on roles as gay characters, like that guy from Grey’s Anatomy; whatever happened to him?

I really liked Eric McCormick on “Will and Grace” but I didn’t like what the show did for gay bars. While it was a hit, many straight people who watched it saw it was hip to have gay friends and insisted on going out to gay bars with them. People like me never knew who to hit on.

“Work It” is just a mid season fill-in show and in my opinion, from what I’ve seen, it won’t be around long. I don’t find it funny or entertaining. Like monsters and superheroes, these characters are the creations of some writers, and unless it is specified, they are not based on actual people and don’t represent any alternate life style. The joy of TV is that you can change the channel if you don’t like what you see. I do it all the time, and I will with this show.

 

Here I am with yet another article on aging.  I know, I know! It's just that it's near the top of my interest list, mostly because I want to stay on top of it all while I still can. The purpose of this one though is to relay information I’ve learned while training for and working as a PSW (Personal Support Worker), information concerning planning ahead for your health and financial concerns.

This may sound a little morbid, I know, but stay with me on this one. I have worked in nursing homes and in clients’ homes and seen how paperwork that should have been filled out didn’t exist. One gentleman I was caring for didn’t have a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order in place so I had to call 911 when I found him unresponsive one morning. I ended up prolonging his life by three weeks longer than he and his doctor had planned. The doctor planned on being there before me to just make him comfortable and let him go. Those three weeks he had become even more incapacitated. He wouldn’t have wanted to live like that. He was 91. He often asked me why he was hanging on so long, he was ready to go.

When I first started to compile a list of what to put into this post, I thought I had in my possession the perfect guide to what I would need to do before I die to maintain my life, health and dignity until those final days. I realized I never really read the email because as it turns out, it was more of a guide for a surviving spouse to find all the assets, insurance policies and money/property after their loved one passes away. Basically the document suggested that you:

• Make the funeral arrangements first – the last thing you want to do is leave your loved one to haggle over prices while they are in an emotionally fragile state. If possible, have it prepaid so that it is all done ahead of time.
• The Will – select someone to be POA (Power of Attorney) and give him/her the name of your lawyer and likewise with the lawyer, let him/her know who to contact. State all of your wishes in the will and make sure it can be legally executed as you wish.
• Compile a list of all assets and their whereabouts; keep the list updated annually.
• Make sure your POA and lawyer know of all insurance policies. Contact all insurance advisors and have them complete an insurance audit of all your policies.
• Bank accounts – having a joint bank account will make it much easier to gain access to the money in the account by the surviving spouse. Otherwise the spouse may have to wait until “letters probate” can be obtained.
• You can name your spouse or common-law partner as a beneficiary to your RRSPs or RRIFs and they can be transferred to a registered plan in their name on a tax-deferred basis.

These are just a few things you can do ahead of time. It is wise to do so while you can or many scenarios can surface between other family members. Even in the best of families, situations can and will happen.

Some other things I have heard of or seen people do are:

• I.C.E. (In Case of Emergency) your phone – In many areas, paramedics are trained to look for this number on a cell phone if you have one. Find someone you trust with your health information, a secondary healthcare person. Give that person a list of your doctors and the types of care they provide and a list of all medications you are taking. Let your doctor know of this person so both of you can keep this list up to date.
• Donating your body to science – I have learned this isn’t always a wise thing to sign up for, especially at a young age. You may be in a car accident and your body could be so damaged that science cannot use it; this would leave your family with a large last- minute expense to plan and pay for your funeral
• Secondary Caregiver – One of the most important people to have in your last days. This person should not be your POA, they should be separate people always. Share with this person all of your health and personal care concerns right down to what you like to eat to how you like your hair combed. This information will be helpful to any caregivers that work with you in your home or a nursing home to maintain your dignity if you are unable to do it for yourself.
•  If you have a DNR in place, make sure all caregivers know where it can be located, if they have to call 911, they will be bound to resuscitate if they don’t see it.

Well that wasn’t too bad, was it? It's not what we want to read or think about but it is something we need to think of. I am not going anywhere anytime soon but the day may come when these things will be important to me. I’ve spoken of the hair growing out of my nose and off my ears, my eyebrows trying to climb up over my forehead. I keep them trimmed but who will do it for me when I can’t remember how to.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard one of my friends ask "why don't you have a someone in your life yet, you're such a nice guy, why don't people see that?”  As if dating someone is going to make me a better person and  I can't possibly be happy unless I have someone in my life. Good grief!

I could be twice as rich if I included the times I’ve asked myself the same question.

I just completed a survey through my local AIDS Service Organization (ASO) called "Show Me The Love". It’s funded by the Ontario HIV Treatment Network (OHTN). The purpose of the study is to understand the barriers to sexual intimacy faced by people living with HIV. When they told me about it I just had to make a little joke -  "do I have to have a sex life to take part?"

The study is to understand what programs and services ASOs can adopt to support people living with HIV and the challenges they face with sexual relationships. The information is gathered during a face to face interview: participants receive a $40.00 reimbursement. So I'm thinking, “40 bucks and I don’t have to say much. I can do that." Absolutely nothing happening in that department for a while now, anyway.

The questions were formulated for discussion as opposed to a written statement, I don't think I would have been able to be as honest otherwise. They dealt with what sex life was like before and after my diagnosis, disclosure, the legal obligations of today and what would a healthy sex life look like. At the end I was allowed to return to some areas where I might want to add to.I couldn't believe how much I had shared to that point. Having the time to talk I was able to see some of my faults, things that haven't exactly been helpful. I can see myself signing up for any workshops they are able to be put together. I can sure use some help.

I've been watching Coronation Street. In the story, this character named Sean is being pursued by someone he dated before. It didn't work out but now the guy is back and a lot wiser and ready to settle down. Sean refuses to see the obvious messages from the other guy, he's trying to protect himself by ignoring what he does see, thinking he will just be let down again. The sad part is I can identify with him but I wouldn't admit it to myself. Well I wouldn't before but I can now. The King of the One Night Stands or like I wrote before, always the friend, never the boyfriend.

Several times I went through that stage thinking something more could happen if I took a friendship to the next step, only to find out the friend didn't feel the same way. Those attempts actually strengthened a few friendships and we are still friends today. It would be so easy if it had worked; they do say friends make the best partners. Live and learn. Jeeeze, this is sounding so cliché.

Here are some lessons I've learned along the way, “Never set limits or you leave yourself limited." If I was to write up a profile of my perfect partner that I should wait for, then I will be waiting a very, very long time, Brad Pitt is already taken and he isn't gay. The next thing I will avoid doing is meeting anyone online. I believe I have played every game possible on there and paid the price, I don't even go there anymore. If I meet anyone, it will be face to face, someone real that I can see for who they really are and learn to like over a period of time. And finally, I don't want to be needed. Been there, done that, I have been the rescuer too many times.

All in all, the Show Me The Love study was very good for me, Like therapy,it allowed me talk long enough so that I was able to see what I'm doing wrong and what I need to do differently. Funny thing about it is, my friends have been telling me the same thing for ages. Bring on the workshops and I will be attending my first counselling session December 14th.

If you get a chance to do the study, take it! Having HIV doesn't mean we can't have sex. We can and it can be happy, healthy and safe. Finding programs that will teach us how to enjoy sex that both mentally and physically can be so life changing.

Saturday morning, December 3, 2011. I am sitting in a "checking in" circle at a Facilitation Training weekend event. I sit with my feet planted flat on the floor, sitting up straight, hands on my thighs with palms up and relaxed, eyes closed. I am instructed to breathe deep through my nose, hold a few seconds then blow out and make noise while exhaling.

The facilitator then instructs us to visualize when we were young, to see our loving parents caring and guiding us, vision ourselves crafting our jar, or something, filling it with pure clean water, then visualize our family, grandparents.......and then I lose it. I snap out of it. I can't go any further. I sit and wait for the exercise to end. When it does we are asked to express what the experience meant to us. There are 30 plus people in the room. Someone five chairs to my left starts to tell us what it meant to him, then he passes it to his left. Now there are about 25 people to speak before my turn comes.

Each person relates their thoughts. Some are happy memories, some are sad  - and I am boiling up as I stir in my seat. My blood pressure feels like it’s rising to the point my ears plug up. I take one deep breath after another but there is this pounding in my ears that makes it hard to hear. I'm glad I have the time to think of what I am going to share when my time comes. I look to the others as support, that their stories are happier or worse than mine so I can just say it and get it out.

It must have taken at least 20 minutes to get to me. I'm not sure. Time was oblivious at this point. When I opened my mouth, I just blurted out "the experience for me was the exact opposite". I wasn't seeing the perfect family, my father had left me and my mother when I was 3 or four years old, the jar of water became the bottle of milk that was thrown at my mother as I stood beside her. It smashed against the wall behind us.

As I describe it all, tears start flooding from my eyes. I'm stunned; this doesn't happen. I have told this story many times and it’s never happened like this before. Now I feel like I'm on the spot, everyone is looking at me. Some looked questioning, some look supportive and most don't know what to think or do. I feel good being amongst them. I hear the facilitators speak and tell the others to “breathe”.

When the exercise ended the facilitators shared with me the fact that these things can happen in those circles, something might trigger emotions that need to be addressed. They told me I had just gone very deep in to my state of "Self"- or something like that.

Not too long ago on PositiveLite.Com I wrote about how my story wasn't as traumatic as others/ I wrote about growing up and being molested, writing without having these feelings - to me they didn't exist. Well I guess this was an awakening of sorts; they are just buried deep but some managed to come out. I had no idea it would come out that way, that I would be crying as it did.

I was able to talk more about it in another exercise while talking about "triggers" - how during a facilitation, what one person might talk about can trigger a thought or memory in someone else in the group. I shared with everyone how I had sat through the "check in" circle the day before, how I felt like the kettle on the stove with the cork in it. The facilitators asked why I didn't just get up and leave the room; it was allowed. I was frozen I guess, I felt I had to get it out. The guy who had been sitting beside me shared that he had felt my energy but couldn't identify what it was. He said he could feel this intense heat coming from me but he had no idea why it was happening. The facilitators were very curious about what they should look for in the future from me because I took them by complete surprise.

I see myself as someone who can bottle things up very well, so well I could run a bottling company. I am also guilty of minimalizing my life in comparison to others. I will always be grateful for what I have because so many have less, but I don't have everything I need. Many of my supporters and friends have tried to drill into me that my story is just as important as theirs.

There are some very relevant feelings here that I need to attend to. I have to stop telling everyone I am alright all the time; it’s clear to me now I’m not. I will practice saying, “I am good and I'm working on getting much better”. I am going to add this experience to my list for the doctor tomorrow.