On Feb 4, I will be presenting a one-hour talk on Sexual Self Esteem for the Hot, Healthy and Horny event taking place at DC/UOIT in Oshawa, part of a queer-focused sexual health day. This opportunity is a unique one. My first thought is “why me”? It’s taken a long time to build up esteem in sexual confidence but maybe my 48 years on the planet has offered me the span of time needed to arrive at a somewhat confident outlook on myself, my body and what sexuality means for me.

It’s been a rollercoaster ride, for sure. To establish a sexual identity, you gotta get on the ride! There’s no other way to do it! I can’t think of anything more disappointing than being a bystander while watching everyone else experiencing the thrill of riding the track. I knew that the ups and downs had to be felt, if I was ever to gain the confidence to navigate the twists and turns of finding out my sexual identity and how to experience or express it.

So despite the obstacles and fears (and there were many), I slowly accepted the fact that I got to figure this thing out for myself. I tried at one point in my life to be what was expected of me as a male who grew up in a strong religious home. That meant be straight, suppress any sign of sexual desire for men, and fix the problem. Ironically, my decision to explore a relationship with a girl was fraught with anxiety and conflict, knowing I wasn’t being true to me. It resulted in a ten year marriage that put me on a fast track...and on a different ride. It shattered my sexual self esteem and brought me to a real decision to get back on the right track. The next 12 years that followed my divorce was definitely a roller coaster experience. I felt like a kid who just entered the amusement park. There was so much to see and explore. What was going to be my favourite ride? Were there others on the ride who could make it easier for me? How do I tell someone else about the ride?

Building self esteem is a constant process. The past 12 years has had its ups and downs, and highs and lows, since I accepted the ticket on the right ride (call it the gay men’s amusement park if you like). There were times I felt alone, with no handbook on where this ride would take me and how to ride safely. There were amazing times where I threw my hands in the air, screamed and experienced the greatest thrills one can ever imagine. Despite the challenges, my strategy to build sexual self-esteem has always been to “brace the experience with as much determination and gusto as possible”. Regrets? Just one, really...maybe two. I would have been more proactive in circumventing the HIV virus. Though I should have been more educated about it 6 years ago, my life at that time was spinning out of control and I wasn’t paying attention. But “woulda, coulda, shoulda” thinking is just a stagnating, non-productive mindset for me.

My 6 years of being HIV positive has actually motivated me to rise to the occasion and reach a new level in my sexual self esteem. It’s made me navigate sexual negotiations in a more focused, pro-active way. It’s a catalyst for what I bring to the table, how I present myself, how I interact, how I react and what keeps me involved.

So do I have the credentials to do a presentation on being hot, horny, and healthy? I think so. A lot of sweat and tears, and doggone determination, have brought me to more satisfaction in my sexual self-esteem.  All I can say is I’m going to stay on the ride and experience life to the fullest, and that’s the thrill of the ride!

*For more information on the HOT, Horny and Healthy workshop day, go  here. 

I’ve always dreamed that what I wanted would just come to my door gift wrapped and ready to go. That includes relationships. Yet, I have learned this past year that packaging is just on the surface. When dating, hooking-up, connecting online, etc, so much can get missed by just accepting the exterior. Sure good looks and self-maintenance get a big check mark on the list, and certainly make the gift giving more exciting, but if you want things to last, as they say, maybe reading the manual and warranty are in order!

It’s awful narcissistic to presume that the gift wrap says everything about what’s inside. I remember my parents would be clever in their gift wrapping at Christmas. You know – a box inside a box inside a box; so what you thought was a large item was actually a watch or ring. It was exciting to have my conception of the gift challenged so I tore into each later not knowing what would be the final present. This whole process took time. If I want to get to know someone, thinking the same approach might work. It’s about the mystery that is understood more with every layer exposed – date 1, date 2….even date 3!

I tend to know now by date 2, if someone just wants me around for the packaging only. In charting my almost 50 plus years on this planet, I’ve arrived with some non-negotiables (yes, guilty of watching Matchmaker Millionaire!) in my dating adventures. Not saying I’ve always followed them but I’m definitely putting them into practice more.

Here are some ideas about gift wrapping the romance:

1. size doesn’t matter. It may be a bit of a surprise but eyes are one of the most sensual organs. Many people get nervous or guarded when someone looks at them directly in the eyes for more than a few seconds. If it’s all about inches, and eyes were the criteria, there would be a lot of missed opportunities. When was the last time an online profile asked how big your eyes were?
2. you and me make two…meaning some type of collaboration should happen. You don’t get to play with me using your own list of instructions or throwing mine out before assembling. I have a list too-so sharing, hearing, listening, doing what the other person wants sometimes can make things flow. It’s not all about you!
3. don’t share too much too soon. Just like the layered Christmas present, best to keep things under wrap and hidden from view and bring out a little more each time you meet. The internet has given us a disservice by profiling our lives in snippets of information, and we can get easily fooled that the short blip says it all about someone.

So now that Christmas is passed, 2012 will have other opportunities to open other kinds of gifts. If the gift you want is a growing relationship with someone, remember packaging is just the start of the adventure. Enjoy what’s inside.

You either manage the activity or disappear from the madness. In listening, I think both approaches are valid. Why do we hit the acceleration pedal and not stop the brakes when needed? Should we throw ourselves into the “end-of-year” spin trying to fit it all in? Or can we hide from social engagement and avoid feeling the spirit of the holidays?

It comes down a long list: associated memories, financial restraint, stressful relationships, religious affiliation, or even self-care.  People may hold an event from the past that occurred during Christmas, and it continues to stain the joy everybody sings about. A break up or loss of a loved one may trigger the bah-humbug blues. Expectations to give a gift when the bank account is low are enough reason for mental anxiety to trickle in. To survive means using our own tool-kit to manage the stress.

I remember Christmas 2005. I got really sick on that Christmas Eve and in less than a week I was diagnosed Hep B, HIV Positive and with pneumonia (not PCP). The whole holiday season was a blur as I fought off fatigue, nausea, weight loss and extreme coughing. The following year, Christmas 2006 was difficult to experience as all the memories of my diagnosis returned. Even though I was making headway and feeling better, with the meds working, that did not prevent the dark emotional pit from circling my thoughts.

So now, 6 years later, the negative associations are almost gone and Christmas 2005 even feels like it might have happened to someone else. That’s a good sign that something has changed in me and I have dealt with post-diagnosis in a constructive, meaningful way. I’ve picked up tools and strategies and have focused on self-care as a priority. As Christmas approaches, I actually expect to enjoy parts of it…being with family and being thankful that nothing has to stay the same. While I enjoy this, I’m aware that others living with HIV/AIDS have their own stories and life experience. If Christmas is a time to slow-down, hibernate, mourn, celebrate or reflect…that’s ok. Just do what’s right for you. So start to run…or hibernate. Either way, the holidays are upon us once again.

I can’t seem to go a day without writing a list of things to do. The workings of the HIV virus and the long-term effects of antiretrovirals have my brain going fuzzy at the best of times. To combat, I attack with pen and paper to make sure I stay aware of what’s important to do, or what I should stop doing.

Coming out of a few difficult months, I began to feel the impulse to write a list of what is in my life inventory…what I’m glad to have and hold, and identify as a good thing. Call it blessings, call it fortune, call it rewards...really doesn’t matter; the power is in writing it down as it comes to mind. Here’s a partial sample of my life-list:

1. Have three beautiful children who are now growing up to become adults of their own.
2. An ability to create whether a painting, a song, or a writing.
3. I have medications that give me added time and renewed dreams.
4. I have a “bounce back “ mechanism when shit hits the fan.

So...you get the point! In the back of our minds, we know there’s something good among the struggles, but without seeing it in print, we fail to acknowledge its power to press us on to more in our lives. Without sounding like a positive-thinking guru, I would advocate that ink is a “wellness tool”, way up there with vitamins and complimentary therapies.

The weight of negative words that creep into our day sit heavy…they build up and we start believing what other people say about us, or stumble through misconceptions. Even our failures begin to shape our identity. It’s at that point in time that the life-list becomes handy. Pull it out, read it again when you need to, and dispel some of those impending “doom and gloom” thoughts.

It doesn’t always do the trick, but I’ve found it gives me some added fuel to accomplish more. Strange, how a few times, what I wrote actually brought a smile to my face. Now I have pads of paper on my table, desk,and bedside…and pens within reach. For computer enthusiasts, a word document may be the way to go, or an excel spread sheet, but I stand convinced there’s more personal power in “inking” it!    

I sit here, thinking out loud how "out-of-sync" and "generic" the HIV/AIDS movement has become… where personality is a deficit and control is the asset ...so how do we genuinely reach people beyond the machine?

My words here are never that political. Maybe they capsulate my inner dialogue in response to the politics around me. Then again, there’s really no way to escape politics, as policy and procedure is shaped and accepted by society.

As of late, I am seeing that expertise has really shaped the direction of the HIV/AIDS movement. When I say the movement, I am talking about the collective push forward from crisis of the early 80’s, to the knowledge exchange happening today. I feel compelled to catch up to the current spin of information, and to learn, in articulate phrasing, how to communicate HIV concepts in concise tidy sound bites. To dispel nuggets of knowledge will somehow show the world around me that I am on top of my game, and have arrived to the collective voice.

But stop right there. What if, while sharing my information, I accidentally let out a bit of my personality? What if I show a passionate emotion in debate? What if I make a joke, entertain or amuse the listener? Does this actually mean I am veering from the median and have to get back in line? Am I no longer an educator by someone’s imposed standards.

Recently, I have been told I am too chatty, too confident and too personal. This mirror of reflection stayed with me for a while. Then I thought about the early pioneers of the AIDS movement. People spoke up with passion and zeal against the establishment, a cry for people to look at the reality of how the virus infected or affected individuals, partners, families and larger population groups. They may have blundered on occasion, and spoke out of turn, but their tenacity brought attention to the crisis, and to the disease. Nothing rehearsed or placated. They were real, and HIV/AIDS was the reality!

It would be an insult to the early voices of HIV/AIDS, to watch the direction we are now forging and not demand change. The last thing I want to become is someone I don’t recognize, as I integrate my work and life in HIV/AIDS work. The edges of that cookie cutter are sharp and will only keep me contained, if I allow it to shape me. What makes me unique is that I have a voice and I express that voice in my own way, with my own lived experience, with traces of my upbringing, culture and influences. To be real…that is what any AIDS activist should bring to the current knowledge exchange and research presented in webinars online, in forums and symposiums, and in the corridors of AIDS Service organizations across the country.

I sit here, thinking out loud how "out-of-sync" and "generic" the HIV/AIDS movement has become… where personality is a deficit and control is the asset ...so how do we genuinely reach people beyond the machine?

We could start by throwing out the cookie cutters and rolling out some fresh dough. Something new is about to rise in the oven.

I’ve always been intrigued by looking at people. I first was inspired to draw in Grade 6 when I saw artist’s renderings of celebrities each week on a local TV guide. For some reason, I knew I could replicate the drawings and as I pumped out my reproductions, started to realize that I was only drawing someone else’s interpretation of someone. I also started finding fault in the artist’s interpretation and skill. A bit haughty for a young artist, but it compelled me to do my own thing. Why sketch from a sketch? So I began to draw people I knew, asking them to sit down for my portrait sketches.

So much is carried in the expression of someone’s face…the character lines of aging, the life energy or lack of it in the eyes, the fatigue of a weary life, or even the adjustments with cosmetic enhancement. With my interest to record what I was observing, I opened myself up to the stories of people. Who were they, what was their facial expression showing, what made them unique?

Today, we are speeding up in our human interactions. Facebook, online text chatting, and bbm’ing have slightly side-tracked us face-to-face dialogues. As I get older, I now remember how I used to look at the people I talked to; with a connected stare, engaged in the moment and wanting to learn more about them.

Bring in the HIV disclosure thing. Not talking here about the context of negotiating sex but how being HIV Positive changes the way we interact with people. In very subtle ways, the idea of sharing health status update to people we know and meet, creates a filter. Should I tell people about my crappy test results, should I share the deep emotions that are surfacing right now, or should I be an example by smiling thru it all? Before we even recognize it, our facial expressions can show these conflicting messages and even prevent us from eye-to-eye contact with others.

Let’s face it. It’s ultimately up to us to trust and open up to the people who come into our lives. I know I don’t want to be robbed of that feeling I had when I was younger, when drawing someone meant I observed them and enjoyed their uniqueness and took them into my world as they looked at me. There’s beauty in the turn of a smile, in the soulfulness in the eyes, and even in the crevices of aging skin. Even now, I think of the faces of people who have mattered to me the most. And though they are not with me now, in the space I now live in, they will always be remembered because I took the time to take them in.