Recently I've pulled up my old and somewhat tired activist voice. It's an angry one that I've generally outgrown as I don't particularly like it in me, and I don't in others.

That voice crept up recently, actually blew a gasket when I looked at the newspaper to see that on the day of the funeral of Jamie Hulbey, a gay Ottawa teenager who committed suicide, Tory MPs have dedicated videos on Dan Savage's "It Get's Better" campaign.

The list of Harper's and other Conservative Parties of past and present are far to numerous to list. 

Quietly openly gay MP John Baird believes, no doubt, that sexuality is a private matter. That is his choice. However one does not do an "It Get's Better" video and NOT be open about one's sexuality. Especially on the day of the funeral of a Jamie Hubley. Such cowardliness and hypocrisy only works against the work of campaigns to help struggling teens. Not only that, it dishonours Jamie in such a horrible way. John Baird's private life is not so private when he's hanging out on Church St, at Pride events and Fashion Cares, mincing it up.

It was quite astonishing that The National Post was the only publication that published a critical article. And watch how the "Baird isn't completely out" issue is skirted around. 

MP Randall Garrison, the New Democratic Party critic for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender issues, said the Conservatives' video "fails to understand the basic concept" of the campaign, adding that the message only works if delivered by openly gay people.

"And there's a shortage on the Conservative side," he said. "You can't do these [videos] if you're not an out, gay person."

I remember the days of the 80s and 90s when in Manitoba human rights legislation was amended to protect sexual orientation, and later, in Ontario. The conservatives fought it tooth and nail. The Ontario Liberals were pathetic with Lyn Mcleod. I'm not sure where Bob Rae stood on the issue.

The only slightly positive thing I can say is that Baird and company are going to the upcoming Commonwealth talks on human rights abuses against LGBT people. That's great. However they aren't on the forefront on this. They are following Britain and Australia.

Moreover, given that in 41 of 54 countries of the Commonwealth being gay is illegal, this human rights issue threatens the Commonwealth at its very heart. According to the The Ottawa Citizen's article "Human rights abuses threaten Commonwealth survival: report" unless these human rights abuses are not addressed, there may be no Commonwealth.

I'd be inclined to say given for Harper's penchant for the monarchy, the Queen (whose image is now hanging in every Canadian embassy), and adding in Royals to our navy, he'd like the Commonwealth to stay together. Given those human rights abuses, most notably on homosexuality, Harper has to address these if the Commonwealth is to survive.

That being said, I believe he's under the eight ball on this one and now has decided to join in on this noble cause.

This begs the question: Is this what's required for the Conservatives to care and to take action; being jailed, suicides, beatings, harassment and potentially the death penalty? If you can get through life without these things happening, then you are on your own, kid.

Maybe they are seeing the light, but I highly doubt it. The words have to match the actions, Only time will tell.

Nothing short of a huge cultural shift in the conservative party would gain my acceptance. They can cherry pick a few high profile issues, including (shamefully) a suicide to try to show they are a party of the centre, but their actions do not match their words.

When ministers do not feel they can be completely "out" in a meaninful way, and only demonstrate hypocracy, it says to me that they've got a very long way to do. 

I give them 2.5 points out for trying. 

Brian Finch: Thank you for taking the time for this interview. You first caught my eye while on Facebook in a group run by another woman we have interviewed, Maria Mejia where you had posted a message. 

There are a few things I found interesting. First the photographic project you are working on called, "I am" and that you are living in Argentina, but have a connection to Colorado.

What brought you out to Argentina? Are you an American transplant, or do you have connections to Latin America.

Caitlin M. Kelly:I am an expat living/working/traveling/being in Argentina for the time. I've been here nearly 4 years and I've done a bit of traveling around S. America. I was down in Buenos Aires, Argentina in 2006 to run the marathon, but they changed the date a few weeks out and it was too expensive to change my ticket. I opted to come anyway and make a vacation out of it. I spoke no Spanish other than the typical, Dónde está el baño y dos cervezas por favor, etc… but I had a blast anyway

I was impressed with the street level art, not just the graffiti, but the free flow of expression. So when I opted to quit my job - I had been living and working in S. California for 12 years - I figured instead of moving to Colorado where my family lives, I was going to take the opportunity and move overseas. I felt my world had become too small and there is nothing like moving to a foreign culture where you don't speak the language to make you work a little. I now speak Spanish and although I arrived without knowing anyone, I've built a great group of friends, locals and expats alike. And I finally ran the marathon last year 2010.

How did you get into photography and what interests you most in subjects? I see you have a number of past exhibits and projects going on ranging from Avantgarb(age), “The art of wearing garbage” to INKED.PIERCED.MARKED.

I started shooting when I was 15. It was one of the elective courses available at my junior high in Nashua, NH where I grew up: art, photography, etc… I chose photography and never looked back. I always claim I am an artist that can't draw. I never made it past stick figures. But when it comes to photography and photography of people I am enthralled. People give away so much in their movements, details, expressions, body language, dress, etc… I look at a person and there is a book there, an autobiography if you will. I love the challenge of trying to read that book and interpret it for a photograph.

I also clearly remember a high school social studies teacher (Mr. Bernstein) tell us that it is important to understand other points of view. It was a statement he threw out in passing, but it stuck to me and I would say my photography is all about understanding other points of view and communicating them.

I believe that is why you'll see a mix of styles in my work at times, ie Avantgarb{age}, which is more about the environment via people to .Inked.Pierced.Marked which is about people and their tattoos. And then there is my more social work from the Comedor Los Pibes (showing in Colonia, Uruguay this month as part of Fotograma-11) and 'I am' Women Living with HIV and in both of these projects through the portraits I seek to communicate that each person is important - that they matter, just the way they are and I hope that differences can be celebrated and respected.

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Evelyn Saván, 18

HIV positive as of birth (photographed February 2011)

Buenos Aires, Argentina

Photograph by Caitlin M. Kelly, which appears in her "I am" project at http://iam.cateincba.com

English: I am Evelyn. I am 18 years old and I live with my sister Tamara and my dad Charly in Moreno, in the outskirts of Buenos Aires. My dream is to become an artist. I love everything that involves the arts. Mostly I love acting and dancing. These are my true passions. A year ago I also began learning to play drums. I want to dedicate myself to learning everything that the arts can teach me so I can apply it in my life.

Español: Yo soy Evelyn, tengo 18 años y vivo en Moreno junto a mi hermana, Tamara y mi papa Charly. Mi vocación es ser artista, me gusta todo lo que tenga que ver con esta disciplina. Me encanta actuar y bailar, son lo que más me apasiona. También empecé a tocar la batería yo hace un año. Pienso dedicarme a aprender todo lo que me puede brindar lo artístico para poder aplicarlo a mi vida.

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Today I wanted you to talk about  “I am” which focuses specifically on HIV positive women. Can you explain this project and how it came to be?

Through a friend of mine I had the opportunity to attend a couple of functions, end of year parties, etc… for the HIV groups with whom he was volunteering. I realized pretty quickly that most people here do not talk about their diagnosis outside of these places. It is safe inside the organization's walls, but in the streets, in their neighborhoods, in their own homes, it is not - for fear of discrimination and retribution, especially in the workplace. And it struck me that women especially were at a disadvantage and many were unwilling to even discuss it with their children.

So about two years ago the idea of HIV and women started to float around my head but I wasn't sure what to make of it and how to do it. Through continued contact with several HIV groups I realized that what I saw in the women that are visible (ser visible in Spanish would mean they are out about their diagnosis) and activists is how much these women live. The project became about living with HIV, not dying, not coping, not surviving, but living and I really wanted to combat the discrimination by talking about similarities between individuals. These women are more than their diagnosis as HIV positive. They are women, professionals, activists, mothers, daughters, sisters, etc…

Oddly enough, everyone assumes someone who get’s involved in this kind of subject matter must be HIV positive as well, and you are not.  That being the case, what drew you to “I am” that you might not have mentioned already? Are there any specific things you've learned through this process?

I often get asked why I am working on a project about HIV positive women if I am not positive myself. My response (perhaps a bit flippant now) is, does one need to have cancer to donate money to leukemia research? I am very interested in women's issues and I believe firmly that a society with strong women, better equality and less discrimination is a society that is more functional and complete. Obviously I personally benefit from a society that is less discriminatory and more open, so yes, there is something in this project for me too. I would also very much like my nieces (and nephews too) to grow up in a world with less hate and stupidity.

Do you see common threads in women from Argentina to those of other countries?

I have only begun this project, so I can't really compare yet. I believe I will find similarities and differences between countries and cultures. What I noticed working on this project here in Argentina is that many woman are wives, mothers, daughters, sisters, etc… but rarely do they create their own identities as women or as people. I didn't grow up with that mindset in the US. I grew up in a family of 4 girls (no brothers) and it was never in question that I would go to college, that I would develop my own interests, that I would have the opportunity to walk down the roads that I chose. I see that as a major difference, but I also believe the struggle to be both a women independent of motherhood while still having children or a family life is a commonality across the globe. 

Is there any one story that stands out the most for you?

Several stand out for me at this point. I really respect Marcela Alsina for her strength and leadership and her work with the Red Bonaerense de Personas Viviendo con VIH/SIDA (Network of people living with HIV/AIDS in the province of Buenos Aires). Her calm manner, yet determination was very present for me in her words and photographs. It has been a pleasure to watch her work. I also really like Evelyn's statement because to me she is a typical 18 year old.She likes to play the drums, act, and has dreams for her future.

And the others all have given through their words and photographs a piece of themselves. I walk to the women before photographing them to make sure they are well aware that I want to show this work as many places as I can and I ask them if they're ready to share a piece of themselves. I have deep respect for each of them for the peak they've given me (and hopefully everyone who sees this project) into their personal worlds.

What has been the impact for the women participating in “I am”?

I'm not sure I know yet. The project is still in its infancy. I've noticed however, as a photographer, that if you give someone space to be themselves and honestly listen they are more than willing to share. 

 

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Marcela Alsina, 45 

HIV positive 15 years (as of time of photograph in December 2010)

Buenos Aires, Argentina

 

Photograph by Caitlin M. Kelly

English: I am from a beautiful city, the city of Mar del Plata, with the best sunshine on the sea and gorgeous nights under the stars. Life led me through the path of activism and that's how I became an activist, feminist and human rights advocate. I believe in mutual respect, I'm not afraid of life; I travel to places with light, shadows and at times darkness, in order to be with friends, who are the most wonderful present I have. I have been angry at life many times, but over the years we've became friends, we got to know each other little by little and today I can say that I'm Happy!

Español: Soy de una ciudad hermosa como Mar del Plata, con las mejores amaneceres en el mar y hermosas noches bajo las estrellas, la vida me llevo por el camino del activísimo y así me convertí en una mujer activista, feminista y defensora de los derechos humanos. Creo en el respeto mutuo, no le tengo miedo a la vida; viajo por cualquier lugar luminoso, con sombras y a veces muy oscuros para estar con amigos/as, el regalo mas maravilloso que tengo. Con la vida muchas veces me enoje, pero con los años nos convertimos en amigas, nos fuimos conociendo poco a poco y hoy puedo decir que Soy Feliz!!.

 

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Have you been funded at all for this body of work? What are your hopes for future steps.

I have been funding everything from my freelance work. I am actively seeking funding to take it global. However I also seek to create partnerships on local levels, ie, showing the images during conferences, presenting multimedia, etc…  I would eventually like to have portraits and words of women from throughout the world so that the photos side by side can speak to the similarities we have as people and women, while at the same time celebrating the differences that add color and depth to our world.

To wrap up, I wanted to ask what, if any, call to action you might have so others who want to become involved know what you're looking for.

Yes, a call to action would be great. I am seeking three things:

1. Women who would like to share a part of themselves, be photographed and participate in the project. I am working in Latin America at the moment, but will be back in the States as of next March, so I am open to any woman, anywhere in the world.

2. I am seeking funding to bring this project global. I envision working in sections throughout the world, so if someone wants to help support my work in a particular region, I would be most grateful for that as well. Which would bring me to #3.

3. I am seeking partnerships, places to show the images, etc... By that I mean, if an organization is interested in having me at an event, conference, I can show images in a print or multimedia format and we can work together to create a body of work in the style of 'I am' which I can use for the project and they can also use for promotional and/or educational purposes. I am open to other suggestions as well because I realize others may have unique ways of utilizing the strengths of this project.

I can be contacted via email at: //mce_host/content/ This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. " target="_blank" data-mce-href="http://mce_host/content/ This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. "> This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your important work giving voice to women living with HIV! We will have to come back for a future update on how it is going.

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Mariana Iácono, 28

HIV positive 9 years (as of time of photograph in December 2010)

Buenos Aires, Argentina

 

Photograph by Caitlin M. Kelly

English: I am Mariana Iácono, from Buenos Aires, Argentina. I'm a social worker and student of history. I love swimming in the sea if there are no jellyfish. I love reading and practicing sports. I work in education in two high-schools and I'm also a HIV/AIDS activist in RAMVHIS (Network of Women Living With AIDS). I'm a member of Fundación BsAs SIDA and I represent them in a INADI forum. I have a mother and a father who are lovely, really lovely, a female dog who is my daughter, and a love who fills my heart. Living with HIV, at this stage of my diagnosis —9 years, I'm 28— is not a problem anymore. Every day I fight against the stigma and discrimination against people living with HIV.

Español: Soy Mariana Iácono, de Buenos Aires Argentina. Trabajadora social, estudiante de historia. Amo nadar en el mar si no hay medusas, me gusta leer y hacer deportes. Trabajo en el ámbito de educación en dos escuelas secundarias con adolescentes y también soy activista en VIH/SIDA en RAMVHIS, la Red Argentina de Mujeres que Viven con VIH/SIDA, también estoy en la Fundación BsAs SIDA representandola en un foro del INADI. Tengo una mama y un papa que son encantadores por demás encantadores, una perra que es mi hija, y un amor que me llena el corazón. Vivir con VIH a esta altura de mi diagnostico así 9 años, tengo 28, ya no tiene nada de problema, todos los días lucho contra el estigma y discriminación a las personas que vivimos con vih.

Tomorrow is the debut of theCanadian franchise of the Occupy Wall Street movement in Vancouver and Toronto. For those who are not familiar with the Occupy Wall Street movement, here are the Coles Notes.

 

It is a rally to reclaim Wall Street, home to 1% of America's wealth, and the scene of the last economic capital crime, the Great Recession. The financial sector appears to be so much in the pocket of government, it's hard to distinguish between bankers and politicians. This trend very much began with Ronald Reagan. The middle class is shrinking, the unemployment rate is unwavering, and many are losing their homes. Those who have the least are paying for the crimes of those who have the most.

 

This is my take on Occupy Wall Street (OWS). To get the official take, check out their website.

 

I guess it's a good thing we get CNN up here in Canada, or we'd be maybe missing out on our copycat movement. Or is that quite true?. There is a "pre-Canada" connection to the genesis of OWS. The founders of Adbusters, a Vancouver-based magazine which is well known for it's counter-culture take on life, came up with the idea of OWS as "an international uprising against economic inequality and corporate influence on the U.S. federal government." (The Huffington Post: Adbusters Cheer As Occupy Wall Street Protests Arrive in Canada).

 

There is no doubt the economy is a mess in the United States, and they alone are responsible for our last economic crisis. Poor regulation and the decades old trend of sucking the life out of the middle class have come home to roost. Increasingly it has become a country of very few winners with many losers. Being sold the American Dream is like playing the Loto, an involuntary tax on the poor.

 

Can we say the same thing is happening in Canada? One could say we are sleep walking into a disaster if the European countries fall down with the common Euro and the sovereignty debt crisis drags the world economies down in to a double-dip recession. Canadians are mortgaged to the hilt; if the housing bubble bursts Canadians may find themselves with houses worth less than their mortgages. Lots has to happen to get to that point.

 

David Frum, A Canadian, but longtime American conservative commentator, sums up - not without controversy - one possible scenario where he asks, "Is Canada's Luck Finally Running Out?"

 

All of this however is conjecture. Toronto is a microcosm of what is to come for many, according to the CBC report Toronto's middle class shrinking rapidly: report, adding that soon Toronto will be a city of two halves.

 

The number of middle income neighbourhoods in Toronto has gone down dramatically over the last four decades, creating a social divide that will widen greatly in the coming years if left unaddressed, according to a new analysis of census numbers.

Even the Toronto Sun, heaven forbid is talking about wealth inequality. What's going on here? They are saying, according to a Conference Board of Canada report, that the wealthiest Canadians increased their national wealth between 1993 to 2009. The middle class and poor lost ground during this time.

Living in Toronto, especially downtown where the poor and middle class are getting squeezed out due to housing prices and condo's taking up every bit of spare land, it's easy to see this change in action. I cannot help but walk around and look at penthouse balconies and wonder from where all these wealthy people come.. There are definitely two solitudes forming in my downtown, one solitude mostly way up in the air, and the rest of us living on the ground floor (with the exception of those who own houses and drive two cars).

Enough said. The trends in Canada are not greatt, which leads me back to Occupy Wall Street, or Vancouver Art Gallery & Bay Street tomorrow.

I'm tending to side with Chantal Hebert last night on The National's political panel. As much as I'd love this to become an amazing counter-right wing culture and a movement to define a decade such as the hippies were to the 60s, I'm quite doubtful that we can stir up enough Canadian dust with this one. Hopefully I will be wrong.

Hebert basically said that with the electorate not wanting change, thus re-electing federal conservatives, and many provincial incumbents, combined with some of the lowest voter turn out in history (Ontario 49%) apart from those who are already activists, that Occupy Canada will not take root. The Canadian population is politically apathetic these days.

Another issue is that the left, particularly youth, have estranged themselves from the very tools they need in order to create change. The tea party eventually joined in the political debate and party (Republicans) to implement their agenda. Whereas the left has largely walked away, leaving very little presence in the very institutions that are needed to create meaningful change.

Back to the original Huffington Post article. I'll finish with a long quote from Andrew Potter, which sums up kind of how I feel about it. If you feel differently join in the discussion in the comments.

It may not be enough, however, said Andrew Potter, co-author of the anti-culture-jamming book "The Rebel Sell," who warned that the unstructured nature of the protest could be its demise.

Potter pointed to the Tea Party, which evolved from dissatisfaction with the government's fiscal management and quickly coalesced into a powerful right-wing movement that has been absorbed into the political mainstream.

Protests based on culture jamming must also adapt themselves to the very systems they hope to overthrow if they want to affect any meaningful change, he said.

The message of higher taxation for the rich and financial reform is valid and worthy of praise, Potter said, but risks falling on deaf ears unless it's communicated more effectively.

"The left has consistently stayed outside the system, to see the system as part of the problem, not part of the solution," he said

Peronally I don't think Harper and his governent have screwed over enough Canadians yet. Low voter turn out, and lack of poltiical engagement by the left will mean it's going to be white aging Baby Boomers, along with the elderly, who will be setting the agenda.

I'll admit it, I’m a latent Sci-Fi fan. For years I hated Star Trek, and never watched the British show Dr. Who.

All of that changed with Battlestar Galactica, the remake of the 1970s kitsch answer to star Trek and Space 1999. It was because of this original show that I never checked out the remake until it was a few seasons in.

Suddenly I was into Sci-Fi. Last season’s hit for me was Torchwood. It was so dark, taking on Nazi themes as the world tried to contend with the “miracle” that no one could die, no matter in what poor shape they were in, resulting in the government categorizing the terminally ill and extremely aged as “Category Ones” that were sent off to be burned alive.

I know  - gruesome, but not beyond human nature.

There have been two shows debuting this season, one a year old (British, hence the delay in reaching a Canadian audience) Outcasts, and the Spielberg’s Terra Nova.

Both are about new colonizers on a new planet after having escaped from a dying Earth. The similarities stop right there.

I always wonder why Americans in the past have to take successful British shows and remake them in a schlocky way for American audiences. Being Human and Shameless are good examples. If you like the show then watch the original. I’ve yet to see a re-make add anything to the original.

Terra Nova is not a remake of Outcasts, but it looks like it was. In Terra Nova there are dangerous dinosaurs lurking around as they live in a pre-historic Earth era. In Outcasts there is an unseen alien intelligence that gives the show a bit of the “Lost” effect of not being quite too sure what is going on. 

Whereas the British are out to colonize, and battle with genetically-altered humans made to survive the new planet’s hostile environment and who live apart from the colony, in harmony with this unseen intelligence.

Terra Nova is about being at war with a splinter group from an earlier pilgrimage, and the dinosaurs.

Outcasts has love and betrayal, but still takes on a noticeably dark tone, always leaving us with a cliff hanger. Terra Nova has nicely polished actors. The “sheriff” guy I think is supposed to take on some sort of country feel, yet is too buff and groomed. All I can think of is line dancing at a gay bar every time he enters a scene.

The latest episode of Terra Nova was a mini-tribute to Alfred Hitchcock’s “The Birds”  - or I hope it was. Nonetheless, the evil new flying attackers that descend on the colonizers bring the flirting teenage hunk and girl together. The girl’s father, newly minted into the security, was out fighting the birds, thus leaving his family in peril.

Not to worry though, In America’s version of life outside of Earth, the family is safe, as well as the colony, as they displace the birds with pheromones, leaving a nicely wrapped up happy ending in Terra Nova. Outcasts' storyline begins with having lost many children as a result of a virus that didn't affect adults. A few episodes into Terra Nova, what do we see? Yes, a mysterious virus. I haven't watched it yet, but I'll bet that it gets wrapped up nicely in the 35 mins worth of show (I timed 5 mins of show interrupted by 3 mins of commercials). 

In Outcasts we watch painful scenes of having to decide who should live  - a mother in childbirth or the new baby on a planet where there aren’t many children.

I’ll still keep watching Terra Nova for it’s bubble gum amusement park ride of a show, but I don’t have high expectations.

In the meantime, I’m counting the days until the British shows’ new season begins

The Jewish New Year just past last week marking a rather long process of renewal, self reflection, and closure for a new year. Last year I found this process transformative, and this year no doubt is turning out to be the same. 

I look back and in the space of 4 – 5 weeks, nothing is remotely like life just prior to that.

In the time I learned a couple of very helpful things: 1) I had Vitamin D deficiency and 2) I’m or was anemic for quite some time.

I had been dealing with the emotional sucker punch of relationship unraveling as fast as it began. I had left my only sources of support, mty 12 step meetings.  As well, I was not staying at my place, leading to a feeling of being ungrounded. Then I found out I had gotten a nasty gut infection in Italy (but I do thank the gods that I got to shed those unwanted pounds) and had to take a carcinogenic, chemo-like drug for ten days, completely whipping me out.

Here I was giving myself such a hard time. Who wouldn’t be struggling and having difficulty with depression? I was beating myself up because I was at times reacting in disproportionate ways - but who wouldn’t, given the circumstances?

It’s time to be gentle on myself, to add up all those variables up and see how anyone could cope with some of the stuff thrown my way.

It’s time to pat myself on the back and say, despite all of these things I’d been able to pull through the imposed isolation of surgery in the fall, I continued to manage and grow PositiveLite.com (with Bob Leahy’s help), get to conferences, and work hard. I am not other people’s definition of being an “old man” for staying and watching a lot of TV, nor am I an emotional mess, given the circumstances.

I am now out every night of the week, and have joined a gym. I am working on “my stuff” and behaviour I’d like to avoid, as we all need to do some work. Life has litterally turned around in 30 days.  I'm particularly happy about quitting smoking - and again the weight loss. There's got to always be a silver lining.

The good news is that Vitamin D deficiency and being Anemic are both easily treatable conditions. I was actually happy to find out I was Anemic, as finally it explained so much such as the frequent colds and flues, and being tired all the time. 

As people living with HIV for a long time, our fatigue is always discounted, “You’re not as young as you used to be.” Or, a response of “That’s just the way it is". 

I gave up. I truly believed this was just the way I was supposed to live and these are my limitations.

On the spiritual side, it’s the Jewish High Holy Days again, and for me this is a special time of the year. Something changed in me last year at this time and I went off to pursue conversion. It begins with the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah

This time of the year is not about getting time off and lying around. It is about intense reflection and the period of time where we look at ourselves, and to see how we can make amends for past wrongs, and reconnect with the good in ourselves. The term Teshuvah is the process of returning to oneself (and God as you’d understand him – or her). Not the person of negativity, of past wrongs but of our good nature. This is the very abridged version; it means a lot more.

Part of this process is Tashlich, a ritual of going to water and saying some prayers and symbolically casting away not just our sins (in Hebrew, sin means to miss the mark, not the classical version of sin) and the shells of negativity, and think about the real person we are underneath it all.

I met up with the grassroots group Makom, at the H20 park on the lake front, where we sat in a circle and went through the several prayers, then turned to the lake to take five minutes to reflect on the water and our intentions of casting out.

Then I got up, while sharing my breadcrumbs with a friend; one by one we tossed them out in to the lake for the seagulls to eat up.

A very simple act became very powerful. There was closure on the last year. It was time to celebrate a new year, and forget the last. I’d made new great friends, finished three days out and evenings of dinner with my Rabbi, and others who’ve I’ve come to know; a new life that's only just starting to blossom.

Makom is a group of artists, younger with a few of us older folks there, and very eclectic  - filled with artists, muscians and singers. When it started to rain, we ran over to the other side of H20 where there were tents. In the rain, lead by a beautiful voice, we sang out the songs of welcoming Shabbat.

It was such a beautiful experience to hear the rain over our heads all huddled there together with our “shul” on the go.

Peace and serenity followed.

It is now about a month into not smoking. I actually don't remember the date I stopped, which is a good thing. It's amazing how easily I can slide into smoking and then get myself out of it when I'm mentally prepared to do it.

The key part is staying this way. I still have dreams where I'm stressed out about something; I have a debate in my dream head about whether it's worth it to go out and by a pack.

Even though I don't think about it during the day, my mind obviously is still quite connected to this crutch I used mostly for stress. The thing is that smoking too much and the resulting nicotine (often along with increased coffee drinking) leads me to way too much anxiety and irritability, thus creating a cycle that just gets worse and worse.

I tried those nicotine puffers. Between the coffee and probably taking in more nicotine than cigarettes, I'd become worse off than if I was smoking, at eleast in terms of grouchiness.

This is why I decided to just rip off the band aid fast and decrease my caffeine intake to only one mug of half decalf.

The vitamin D I've been taking has really done a lot for me. I feel a certain brightness and clarity that I didn't before. Once again, consult your physician or naturopath about what supplements work best for you. We are all so different, including in the medications we take, and who knows wat kinds of interactions there can be.

Additionally I found out that as far back as last March, the last blood work I've had done, that I've been anemic. I was shocked.

Earlier this week I joined a gym. They have a bit of what I think is a scam going on. In order to get your membership card you have to go through a "fitness assessment"

This is when they tell you how out of shape you are and suggest a trainer. It's all about the up-sell.

I didn't like getting a form asking all sorts of intrusive medical questions that I was required to fill out in order to get my membership card. Of course I didn't mention anything about HIV or the meds I was taking. This is a bloody gym! Where do they keep this stuff? Who gets to see it?

The point of this story is that the fellow took my blood pressure and said it was low and then asked if I was anemic. I promptly said no.

Flash forward to my Monday apt. with my naturopath and as he reviews my blood work he says, "You're anemic."

Now this might sound strange, but I was really glad to hear that. Why? Because I've been feeling so fatigued and lacking of stamina for so long that I had just accepted it as a part of being HIV positive and all the meds I take.

Now for the first time I have some hope that I can actually do something about it, and I am. Already I'm starting to feel an improvement. Even if I got a 50% boost in energy I'd be ecstatic.

So many times coming to see the doctor saying I'm so tired all the time and just getting a shrug of the shoulders made me feel as if there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

Slowly the pieces of the puzzle are coming together. Since my being down about five weeks ago I've done a complete turn around that included getting a therapist, a naturopath, cutting down caffeine, quitting smoking, getting some exercise and working towards some structure in my life including going to my 12 step meetings almost daily.

Most importantly, I'm back to enjoying what I'm doing again.