In for a penny in for a pound. Last week, I expressed doubts about the worth of the “It Gets Better” campaign. That was likely as popular as advocating for burning crosses on lawns . This week I’ll probably lose any remaining friends I have by suggesting that there may be room to show just a wee bit of sympathy for Russell Williams, before we lock him away for life.

I mean, you think YOU’VE had a bad week?

Let’s be clear from the start. Russell William is no saint. What he’s done is truly despicable. He’s said so in his own words. 

He is NOT criminally insane – the test of that is essentially whether he knows what he is doing and whether he is able to distinguish between right and wrong.  BUT he is indisputably very mentally ill. The judge acknowledged that in his sentencing.   And there’s the rub. If his behaviour is indeed the product of a brain gone completely awry, to what extent should we look at him with sympathy rather than revilement, calling him an animal or worse?

I’m not sure I have the answer to that. I do know I’m a bit uncomfortable about the blanket condemnation of someone with such obvious mental health issues. I need to process that some more, when the rage has died down.

Secondly, I know it’s kind of hard to separate his penchant for cross-dressing with the heinous crimes he committed in furtherance of that obsession. Having said that, I don’t think I’m alone in thinking that he was hauled over the coals of public opinion in part because of that interest in cross-dressing. The Toronto Sun, for instance, had a front page photo of him in one of those decidedly not fetching bra and panties outfits he favoured. Beside it were the words, in giant print, “PERVERT. RAPIST. KILLER". Certainly he was two of those things.   But it strikes me that there is an undercurrent here and elsewhere, identifying cross dressing with perversion. Clearly, in and of itself, it’s no such thing.

The photos in question were in fact released to the press by the Crown.  But why?   The guy had already pleaded guilty. It’s hard not to conclude that releasing those photos was designed to provide maximum embarrassment to the mentally ill man in the dock.

Is there anything else good that can be said about Russell Williams?  Even his defence counsel was hard-pressed to do so. I guess you could note that at least the guy wore condoms, at least he confessed, at least he cooperated fully with the police. None of those things detract from the fact that he committed monstrous crimes. But I’ll stay with my main concerns here – that the guy is very severely mentally ill and I’m uncomfortable casting stones at the mentally ill; it just doesn't feel right. Secondly, whatever that behaviour ultimately led to, William’s fetish for women’s underwear has been cruelly and needlessly exploited by the press.

I think if I was a cross-dresser, I would be feeling really, really bad about myself right now. Same thing if I had mental health issues which were starting to get out of hand.

I also know that saying anything that mitigates the behaviour of Russell Williams is inevitably a minority opinion. Most comments in the blogosphere seem to suggest that the system hasn’t been nearly harsh enough on him; that we need, in fact, to see a return to the dark days of capital punishment. I don’t buy that either.

Hmmm. I wonder how many people I’ve upset by this post.

I don’t know, so much time, so much energy is concentrated on us pozzies that negative guys (aka neggies) must sometimes feel left out, no? When we do acknowledge their existence, nine times out of ten it’s in the context of condom usage, sexual health or risk behaviours. Bleh. Neggies are, in fact, often looked on as statistics, as potential pozzies, and not much more, without acknowledging that the neggie identity is way more complicated, and more importantly praiseworthy, than that.

Let’s face it, it’s us pozzies who are lauded all the time for our bravery, our courage, our dignity in the face of adversity and all that stuff. That’s all well and good, I suppose - some us have been through a lot. But we sometimes forget, I think, what it’s like to be negative and to stay negative in an era where HIV is so common, so pervasive, and has been for THIRTY YEARS. To stay negative over such a long term is A VERY BIG DEAL, I’d say.

Neggies are, in fact the unsung heroes of the epidemic. We need to acknowledge that more often. And that’s what Mark S King has done in the video which follows. Mark says: ” HIV negative gay men hear a lot about what they should be doing (or not doing), but rarely about what they are doing well. They have had to plod along, making the best choices they could to remain negative, fearing every blood test, and often watching friends become infected with HIV.”

I think you’re on to something here, Mark. We DO need to acknowledge the challenges faced by neggies, and to recognize how well so many of them have handled those challenges. So – my message for today is the following: be nice to neggies. Their challenges are arguably as great as ours, PLUS they have succeeded in staying negative where we didn’t. But as Stanley Dangerfield would have said “they don’t get no respect”. Or at least, not very much.

Let’s try and change that. Today, resolve to give every neggie you meet a pat on the back, a hug or a good old-fashioned blow job, whichever works best for you.

Anyway, here’s Mark.

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Now it hasn’t been proven that Roberto Alomar is HIV-positive; in the story that follows, his lawyer has declined to comment.  Wouldn’t it do all of us a favour though, if Alomar came out one way or another?  In the past, talking specifically about AIDS, he has said that he doesn’t have ”that disease”.  Nor do I Roberto, but the obvious question is - are you HIV-positive?   That hasn’t been answered.

Everyone has a right to privacy.   I take the position though that if one is positive, it’s better for all concerned that one admits to it. There are, after all, opportunities for all of us help put an end to the (HIV) stigma that affects us all.  Magic Johnson did it way back when, Greg Louganis too.  Many of us regular folks have done it too. Anyway, here’s the story verbatim, as reported in the New York Post.

 Wife Claims Baseball Star Hid HIV for Unprotected Sex

“Another woman has come forward accusing former baseball great Roberto Alomar of having unprotected sex with her even though he’s HIV-positive - and this time it’s his wife.

In papers filed in a Florida divorce court, Maria Del Pilar Maripily Rivera Alomar, 33, says the former Orioles great “intentionally with corrupt intent, concealed from (her) his physical condition” in order to have unprotected sex with him.

Alomar, 42, knew prior to his first sexual contact with (her) that he was HIV-positive” but not only did he not tell Rivera about his condition, he outright lied to her, assuring her “he had been tested for sexually transmitted diseases and the tests were negative”, the explosive filing says.

The wife’s charges are similar to claims against Alomar in a lawsuit by a former girlfriend named Ilya Dall, last year.  Dall claimed Alomar had full-blown AIDS, but had encouraged her to keep having unprotected sex with him.  Alomar’s lawyer called the Dall suit “baseless” and the case settled last May.  One of his staunchest defenders at the time was (his wife), a well-known sex symbol in Puerto Rico who has been described as the territory’s own Paris Hilton.  She went to bat publically for him, calling Dall’s tale “a vile lie” and “not true.”

Prior to their marriage in 2009, the suit says, Alomar assured the chesty chica “he had been tested for sexually transmitted diseases and the tests were negative”.  At some point after their wedding, she discovered that wasn’t true, the filing says.  . . . She “has not contracted the virus to date but uncertainty still exists due to the delay in the onset of the virus.”

Lawyers for the Alomars did not return calls for comment.

Rivera’s filing says she wouldn’t have agreed to marry him if she had known of “his true physical condition.”

In an interview with The Post last year, Alomar denied having AIDS saying “I don’t talk about my personal life but I don’t have that disease.”  He also said he would not have gotten married if he did.  “I would never do that to another person.”

I don’t know; this whole story strikes me as being laced with stigmatising statements.  Or am I being too sensitive  here, seeing stigma where it perhaps doesn’t exist?”   You be the judge.

  . . . Chris Colfer  aka Kurt.)

You have to have been living under a rock, or far from internet-land, not to be aware of the Dan Savage “It gets better” campaign.  It’s designed to address the issue of gay teen suicides.  The  accompanying text goes something like this:

“It’s been decided. On October 20th, 2010, we will wear purple in honour of the 6 gay boys who committed suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse in their homes at their schools. Purple represents Spirit on the LGBTQ flag and that’s exactly what we’d like all of you to have with you: spirit. Please know that times will get better and that you will meet people who will love you and respect you for who you are, no matter your sexuality. Please wear purple on October 20th. Tell your friends, family, co-workers, neighbours and schools”.

I must confess that this message didn’t exactly score an A with me at first sight. I tried to ignore  the horrible syntax  and that I don’t like being told “it’s been decided “ by people whose understanding of inclusivity in decision-making is not the same as mine.  True,  the sentiments expressed in the video (see below) are well based.  There are parts of Dan and BF’s message I really like.  Other parts I don’t.  I don’t, for instance, like the fact that the duo oozes privilege.  I don’t like that the duo doesn’t acknowledge the importance of work already being done by youth themselves.  I don’t like the smugness.  “You can have our life if only you hold on” is a message that is, frankly, just not true for many.  Maybe you’re not white, middle class and have money, and never will be any of those things. 

Having said all that, do a search of YouTube and you’ll find scores of "it gets better" videos from regular folks who do a much better job at driving home the message than these two.

Truth is, the battle against homophobic bullying, like the battle against HIV-based stigma, is not won just like that.   In fact "it gets better” only if we do more than post memes, or wear purple.  It gets better if we come out  to our parents, our friends, people we know.  That is how we make a huge dint both in HIV-related stigma (by declaring our poz-ness to the world) and  by the same token, in defusing homophobic behaviour towards teens.

What else needs to be done?  Recognizing that bullying of gay teens is a symptom of the societal homophobia that hurts all of us, we need to outlaw the homophobic, sexist trash talk that religious bigots routinely put out.  Let’s censure that, in legislation, if necessary, by making the definition of hate crimes broader, and if that include charging religious leaders, so be it.  Let’s, for instance, call the Pope what he is – a homophobic, sexist bigot who some would argue should be prosecuted for crimes against humanity, not welcomed and fawned over by heads of state.  Finger the right wing too; finger in particular the politicians who want to legislate homosexuality back to something that’s abnormal.  Give them hell.

To that mix you need to add measures addressed specifically to address gay teen bullying.  The “it gets better” campaign is a good start;   let’s also expand anti-bullying initiatives.  They are mandated in Ontario schools; why aren’t they obligatory in the States?  Let’s promote queer/straight alliances in schools.  They work.  Let’s not forget too that queer youth are already doing some of this work, and doing it well.  Let’s realize that youth themselves are as promising agents of change as middle class privileged gay men like Dan and BF who vacation in Paris and promise you can too, if you just hang in there. So, yep, support organizations that support youth. Like this one and this one.

Like HIV prevention messaging where we try many approaches simultaneously, the “it gets better:”campaign is one weapon in the arsenal we employ to combat homophobia directed against teens.  I’m suggesting there are other potentially more powerful tools. 

Let's look at Glee, a show which must surely have a HUGE teen audience, not to mention watched by millions of discriminating adults like – err  -- me.  It’s ironic that while all this Dan Savage debate is swirling around us, a young gay man called Chris Colfer is making waves.  Not only making waves but, I suspect, making gay teen youth sit up and listen, and perhaps find a role model.

Who is Chris Colfer? For those who don’t follow Glee (are you crazy or what?)  Chris Colfer, gay in real life,  plays Kurt, an uber-flambouyant student  gayer than Ru Paul whose homosexuality has fuelled some of the show’s best and most talked about episodes.  This week’s Grilled Cheesus episode – the phrase entered the popular lexicon fast as light - drew a ton of accolades.  In it, Kurt rejects the church because it rejects him.  It’s hard not to notice that Kurt, who has survived a ton of homophobic bullying in previous episodes, is one of the strongest, most resilient characters on the show. He’s out, he’s queer, he’s fabulous, and he doesn’t take shit from anybody.  He is, in short, a great role model.

He also reaches a weekly  audience that Dan Savage can only dream of.  He’s also bigger on iTunes than the Beatles.

I’ll wager that Kurt has done more – way, way more – for the empowerment of gay kids than Dan Savage and BF will ever do.  I’ll wager that Kurt has made more teen kids feel better about themselves than Dan Savage and BF will ever do.  I’ll wager that Kurt has become way more of a role model for gay teens than Dan Savage and BF will ever be.

Not that messages like Dan's aren’t worthwhile.  They will help some kids some of the time.  But let’s not go (lady) gaga over the “it gets better” campaign. The bottom line is that “it gets better” is indeed something that queer youth needs to hear.  But there are other potentially more effective strategies out there that might reduce teen suicides.

So . .   If I have to choose between two messages – one asserting "it gets better” and one suggesting kids watch Glee every week, and Kurt in particular, I pick Glee.  Sorry Dan.  Sorry BF.

 . . . . rather than as real people with real lives. We are patients, we are volunteers, we are service providers, we are funders, we are people living with HIV, we are people not living with HIV. And that’s it. All labels really; worse, all labels which define our relationship to HIV, and not much else.

The result is that those we interact with never really know us in anything approaching a holistic way.  I couldn’t even guess at the number of people I “know” in the movement who, when it boils down to it, I know zilch about other than their sero-status. Are they partnered? Who knows? What did they do in their previous-pre-HIV lives? Where are they from? What’s their favourite colour?.

So many people I know so little about. And vice versa.

Who out there knows I have three dogs, that I’ve been partnered for thirty years, that I love chocolate and hate brussels sprouts, that my favourite colour is – well, you get the picture.

I’m a born optimist, though and here’s what I believe. I believe blogging can change all that. Why? Blogging is in part founded on the assumption that we are all curious about each others’ lives – what we do, how we spend our time, what we think. Particularly what we think. Blogging, at its best, breaks down barriers by going beyond the label, by recognizing we are all real people with real lives, full of achievement, disappointment and everything in between, and we don’t mind sharing. It’s about the trivial as much as it is about the significant.

For my part, I’m keen on using this blog to go beyond labels. I think that’s important. Perhaps others do too.

So – here’s the plan. Starting today, and at the risk of  sounding egotistical, I’m going to be revealing something new about myself in every entry. The objective is to go beyond labels, to recognize the value, the complexity, the fullness of each others’ lives rather than one tiny facet of them. Makes sense?

You’ll have to go behind the cut to read today’s factoid.

Today’s factoid is a bit of a cheat in that it’s about my partner rather than me. However, it has turned upside down both our lives so much lately. My partner Meirion, who I’ve been with for thirty years, is running  for councillor in the local municipal elections. If elected – and I think things are moving in that direction, - he will be the first openly gay person ever to hold office in our very rural municipality. And I will become a politician’s wife.

How’s that for starters?