I’m trying to put out here this time around a little about me personally. Not my HIV, not my health kicks, not my words of encouragement, or anything about getting your life in order. This time, it’s just a little about the boy some people call Nate, others call Nathaniel, and some even just call ‘N’.

Recently I have really struggled trying to get my head into writing. By nature I’m not a writer. I have never really gotten in to it. I have tried, and actually would enjoy being able to just sit down and write something worthwhile. Sometimes when I do get into a writing mode, I have to admit that I can write some fairly decent stuff. I have even been called a poet once or twice, which I find amusing, because I have never really written any form of poetry. I even started writing a story many years ago when I was a lot younger with grand visions that it would be published in to a book one day. That story is still there, put away somewhere with the plan and hope even that I would be able to write more on it and even finish it.

I started writing my blog to get some thoughts out of me and in to the wide world. It has been great, but I sometimes feel that I have dried up and have nothing else to say. I know this is not true, and we all have something important to share with the world.

Over the last year and a bit as I write for PositiveLite.com, I struggle and panic when it comes to putting something down in writing. I get caught up on my self-imposed expectation that I have produce something worth reading. And then get all panicked when I know I need to submit something. For me personally it’s more than writers block, its losing focus quickly and being distracted by the pretty things around me. I was never good at school assignments, and always tended to be the guy who did them at the last minute, but who hasn’t done that, right?

I wish I had the patience to do more with my life… (I want chocolate now)… and be one of those people who is able to sit down and write. Don’t get me wrong! I sometimes get in to a zone and write away, with some fairly good results, but these are rare times. I usually get stuck on topics, or things that would be of interest. I read quite a bit, and find that I try to write on things that either haven’t been written or try a different perspective on a known topic. Maybe this is why I find it such a struggle to write?

My thought process is also very scattered, and I find myself writing one thing, changing it, writing it again, changing it again, and then moving it into a different section of an article. I have already done this a few times with this article, and still it is all over the place. SMILEJ! I guess I want you to see what happens in my mind a little without scaring you off too much.

In my work, I need to be acutely focused on the task at hand, and have to manage a team that needs clear and  precise direction This is very draining on me, and I often get home from work so exhausted and tired that the best thing for me is that down time. Hmm, maybe that’s why I get so distracted by the little things. It’s just my mind and body’s way of winding down, and relaxing or zoning out.

 Many years ago I was taught that when you walk out of the office or your work environment at the end of the day, you need to switch that off. This is something I have practised for so many years now, I don’t even think about it.

Trying to stay focused on the important things is hard on its own. Trying to be less distracted by things of little importance is also very hard to do. I get easily distracted by these so called less important things. Way beyond down time. Way beyond sensibility. Way beyond the perceived normal. Maybe I have a form of ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder), but this has never been considered or diagnosed... (Oh look at the pretty bird)… In the grand scheme of things, we are all a little crazy, and this is what makes us who we are. I do love hanging with my friends, and spending time with them, but I tend to get bored quickly, and start to zone out. I don’t do it on purpose, it’s just me.

I find it so much easier to zone the world out for hours, and sometimes days. I love watching all forms of movies, but mostly the classic ‘B grade’ horrors and thrillers. These types of movies are sometimes so bad, that they are brilliant. The video store I go to knows me very well. I oftenfeel like a little kid in a toy store when they call me over and say, ’I have something you may enjoy’. These can keep me entertained for hours on end, and before I know it another full day doing nothing has come and gone, and still I have so much to accomplish… (How did that fork get there?)...

Can you smile and accept this crazy boy for who he is? Most will say yes, until they spend some time with me and realise, that maybe they really meant no. It doesn’t bother me, I actually think it’s okay. Everyone has their own likes and dislikes. As much as I am not a mean person, I tend to grate on people, but it’s just me, so they can either accept it or not. My thought process is also one that can take people time to work out. I don’t think in straight lines, and process my surroundings in a very quick manner. This is what sometimes bothers people, and that I do it alone, then get them to join me on my journey.

I love being with people, especially with some of my closest friends to just hang out. We only see each other every few weeks, but when we do, it’s like we only saw each other yesterday. This is what it’s about, just living life. These friends of mine are honestly the closest friends I have. They are the same ones I came out to first, and also the ones who have been through it all with me. I think we all need these people in our lives. I love them also, because they help my distractions, and get me focused sometimes, rarely, not enough, maybe not really.

 So there you have it. Something to either laugh at or not. I hope you actually got a little smile out of my craziness, and scattered thought process. I have tried to keep this one as raw as possible, although me and my anal retentiveness have changed it a few times already. (Did I wash the dishes this morning?)

When I was 14, I remember the first time I ever had a drag from a cigarette. It wasn’t for another seven or eight years that I became a regularl smoker. Back then my friend and I wanted to try it. Both our parents were smokers so we figured why not. It was probably the worst experience of my life. That first drag felt like I was going to choke to death. Being young and naïve didn’t stop us; we got used to it and continued to smoke more.

I remember being caught twice by my mother, not actually smoking, but once from smelling like I did, and the second time from a packet of cigarettes in my room. By some miracle, I was able to talk my way out of it both times. This experience really only lasted a few months. It was more about trying it than actually taking it up.

For several years after this, I didn’t picked up a cigarette, until at the prime age of 21 or22. I recall one of my workmates being a smoker who would always leave his packet in full view. I was tempted again, and secretly took one of his cigarettes to give it a go. I really didn’t know if I was going to enjoy it or not and to my surprise, I did. Unknowingly, this was the start of a smoker’s life for me.

From here a packet of 25 cigarettes would last me about 2 weeks. I didn’t tell anyone I was smoking and I was again found out by my mother. She discovered an open packet in my bedroom (bless parents for sneaking in to kids rooms back then). This time, I played it so cool, and came up with the most amazing story, that not even she could question it. But there was always a little doubt in her mind because of the times she caught me out when I was 14.

I continued to smoke using ever better ways to disguise it. But over the course of a year I was smoking more and more each day. Eventually I was going through a packet in two to three days.

By the time I moved out of home and my life changed, I stopped hiding it. I was now officially a smoker averaging 15 cigarettes a day.

It became a habit, routine. I would wake up in the morning and have a cigarette, then more on the way to work in the car. I would smoke again in the morning with the other smokers over a coffee and so on. It was such a habit that there were things in my day that I didn’t do without a cigarette. It became second nature. My live-in partner at the time was also a smoker, so there was never any guilt or desire to stop. I, like many smokers believed the following mantra:

Smoking is fun. Smoking is social, Smoking is a reward. Smoking gives me a form of pleasure. Smoking is a distraction. Smoking helps me relax. Smoking clears my mind and helps me think. Smoking brings back memories and stories and lets me share with like-minded friends and strangers. Smoking defines who I am.

After being diagnosed with HIV in 2008, I asked my doctor if I needed to stop smoking. He said not for now, but there will be a lot of changes that I would need to make in the coming years. So I continued my smoking routine, some days more than others. There was a time that I would go through 30-40 cigarettes in a day. These were days that were fuelled by other substances and vices, which also started to take over my life. Thankfully, in the last four years, all these vices have stopped, but my smoking continued.

At the start of 2011, I actually wanted to quit smoking, but I didn’t, only because I still enjoyed smoking. I made some progress though by reducing the amount I was smoking. Thankfully by the end of 2011, I had quit cigarettes and no longer wanted anything to do with them.

So how did I quit smoking?

It was far easier for me than I anticipated. (Editor’s note: me too!) Before I quit, I went through the process of changing my mind set by realising that smoking was a, ‘want’, and not a need. I was never really one of those people who needed a cigarette, it was a habit. In fact I often went without smoking for a day and not even think about it ‘til the following day. Keep in mind that often these days were out of my normal routine days with plenty of other distractions.

Next stage was to start changing some of my routines. I would pick just one time a day where I would purposely not have a cigarette, always a different time though, so as not to build a substituted routine.

Then after a few weeks of this, I moved to the next stage. I decided to not pick a, “I will quit smoking on this day”, date, but decided that on a particular day of no major significance, I would not have a cigarette, just for that day. I gave myself permission to slip up; it would be far easier than fighting the guilt of failing!

After about 2-3 weeks of doing this I finally decided that I was going to try for a second day in a row, and just go to the third and fourth. This time I had some bigger cravings, but steered away from the things that would allow me to smoke. By the third day, I didn’t think about not having a cigarette and just let the day be (I didn’t have one on that day). I started to change my routines that influenced my smoking. For instance on the first day I left home for work later, which meant I didn’t have time to think about smoking because I rushing to get to work. I also took different breaks on that day from the smoking group to the temptation.

I continued doing this for a week, and by the end of the first week, I was already noticing changes in my skin, taste, and even my tiredness. Once I got over the initial hurdles, the positive responses my body was having were starting to show. No patches, no gum, just me, or as some would say ‘cold turkey’.

Believe it or not, once you start feeling these changes, you actually don’t want to go back.

Yes there is a chemical dependency for smokers, but with small changes, this doesn’t have to be a reason any longer. I didn’t do any program; I just made minor changes over several months.

The first few days came and went, although there were many times I wanted a cigarette, I chose not to have one.

Often people say that when you stop smoking you start gaining weight. With a slow and steady process this is not always true. I actually found myself getting fitter and eating better. I was enjoying the taste of good food. I wasn’t getting out of breath from a brisk walk; I had more energy which was being used in a positive way in my life.

By the end of 2011, I was no longer smoking. I didn’t make a big song and dance about it either. Many of my friends would ask how I was going without smoking, and I simply would say that I no longer thought of it.

Now I was ready for the final BIG TEST. A big night out on the town with drinking buddies. Could I actually see the night through without smoking? Well yes, I did. I even had friends who were smoking and at no stage felt the desire for a cigarette. It also helped that no one tried to tempt me in to having one either. They knew I had quit, and respected that. I challenged myself to see it through.

This worked for me, and I have to say that it has been a great process. It wasn’t difficult at all. I dealt with the small cravings in little stages. There was never a huge withdrawal or mood swings. I never intended to quit, and I believe this helped, because it allowed me to quit at my own pace.

Different methods suit different people. You need to choose the method that best suits you and starts you on the journey of quitting. Remember, to quit smoking is not an event, it’s a journey.

There are so many different ways to start your journey. Sometimes it takes more than one attempt, and in some cases using more than one method works. Here are a few examples;

• Cold turkey
• Cut down to quit
• Nicotine Replacement Therapy (NRT)
• Prescribed medications
• Online supports
• Professional advice and support

Quitting smoking is about maintaining it over time. But if you slip up, that’s okay too. Just start the journey again. Slip ups are not ideal, but they can actually help you in the long term. Remember you are not alone if you slip up!

If you slip up, you are NOT A FAILURE! You are learning what works for you in your circumstances. If you slip up during your journey, use it as a learning experience. It's normal to make errors while trying to master any skills in life. The trick is to make changes to what actually made you slip up. Refine your routine or maybe add some checks in place to avoid the same from happening again.

A theme with learning most skills is that they take practice and persistence.

So hopefully you are able to use some of my methods in quitting smoking. It’s kind of funny that after I quit smoking and read some articles on how to quit, that I was actually on the right path for me.

I hope that I have been able to encourage you also to take the steps you need to better health, and longevity. As people living with HIV we need to make changes that help our bodies and immune systems fight the virus and continue to live LONG and HAPPY lives.

It has begun! 2013! The new calendar year is well and truly here. So what of it? The only thing to really change was the date? Yesterday was the same as today, and most likely tomorrow.

In actual fact it is traditionally a time to reflect and make a fresh start or change to our life paths; changing things we have control over, and making resolutions to the things we wish for. It is also a time to allow our hair down, and go crazy for a short while, knowing tomorrow is a new start.

There are the few self-restrained who can bring in the New Year with just a small indulgence and be completely satisfied and content they were allowed it. Then there are the rest of us who indulge in an abundance of booze, vices and over indulgence of food and almost anything else we can manage and promise that as of January 2, we will be better behaved and controlled.

For people living with HIV this is the same but different. HIV is not something to be switched off for an extended moment of indulgence. It is a life path that needs care and adherence constantly. Only a few medical experts say that with a healthy immune system and adherence to medical regimes that it is sometimes okay to switch off for a moment. But this is rare and definitely not something I am endorsing or encouraging from people living with HIV. You can still enjoy the indulgence of the New Year celebrations, and maintain your health. There is a fine balance.

Historically on top of the New Year’s resolutions list is losing weight and getting fit, eating healthier, quit smoking, drink less, be kind and the classic to love more. It’s no surprise many people are planning to live a healthier lifestyle in 2013 but all too often these good intentions are quickly forgotten within a few weeks, and depending on what part of the world you live in, the weather plays a critical part in influencing this.

This may come as a surprise to you, but people living with HIV also make New Year’s resolutions with the same wishes, desires and hopes for the New Year.

Have you noticed how gyms see a big increase in memberships at the beginning of each year, but see a drop off within weeks, and the attendance numbers also quickly decline within a short period? This is because we all start with good intentions, and quickly grow tired of them and revert back to old habits.

Don’t despair; there are things you can do to make sure 2013 is the year you want it to be.

• Set achievable goals that you know you can reach, instead of ideal goals that you may not.
• Plan to allow your resolution time to happen. (it won’t happen overnight, but it will happen!)
• Expect setbacks and times when things go in the opposite direction to your goals. It’s all a process.
• Don’t use these setbacks as the excuse to give up and try again next year. 

“We promise this year, it will be different. Honest to God.” 

So with resolutions, the challenge is maintaining them. Make it a part of your life. Start small. The more you can do in small reasonable steps, the more likely you will do it over a long period of time.

Moderation is the key, for example, planning to go to the gym seven days a week and train three hours a day for most of us is unrealistic and the fastest way to fail. Say instead that you will aim for 30 minutes a day, two or three days a week, now that is more achievable.

Remember your resolution is something you need to maintain, it’s a lifestyle change, not a short term fix. 

“Knowing this is important, given there's reward in our failure. Whenever we act on our old, bad habits we get a sweet, comforting hit of dopamine, before the angst and guilt inevitably set in. This has many of us bypassing the long-term benefits for short-term joy.

This is particularly pertinent at a time of year, namely New Year's Day, when we're psychically and physically feeling the pain. It also explains why hair of the dog is so appealing when we have one hell of a hangover.

But enduring a period of discomfort is par for the course when we're trying to make a change”, says Prof Thiagarajan Sitharthan from NSW Australia. 

Reward yourself for progress (not with a vice), keep your eye on the prize and remember the reason you've chosen to do it. You've got to make a start somewhere. People will always face setbacks, but some turn these setbacks into failures because of a single mistake or slip up and then just give up. It ends with, 'I tried, but it failed so what's the point of trying?' Failure is giving up. Strength and resolution is getting back up and starting again.

"Include slip-ups as part of your resolution. They're not the end of the world. You just carry on with your journey." In fact, Sitharthan says it takes most people three or four serious attempts at a goal to get there.

These kinds of changes or will take different people different amounts of time. Many believe that habits can be broken within 4 weeks, but research today shows this not be entirely true, in some cases it can take a year or more to break a habit, and get in to a new routine. Creating a new habit is a skill and takes time to develop. There will be mistakes, setbacks and even resetting, but this does not mean failure. For any type of New Years’ resolution to work, it has to be achievable, not always deal.

"I like the bicycle analogy,'" Sitharthan says. “When someone gets on a bike for the first time, they can rarely ride straight away. You fall down a few times first...  you need training wheels."

"After two week it gets easier, after two months it gets easier still and after two years it's a second habit."

Why not get a buddy to help you with your goals? Having someone to support and encourage you is vital in reaching your goals. It is far easier to be negative on your own and allow those emotions to take over, than with someone who will push and encourage you and keep you on the path.

How often have you said you will happily stop a vice such as drinking, gambling, drugs, smoking, if only person ‘A’ would stop annoying you, or person ‘B’ would just be kinder to you, or you had a person ‘C’ by your side?

You control your own destiny. And using such reasoning is only providing you with the excuse and permission to fail by giving you the opportunity to return to old habits and vices. It sets you up to blame someone else for not being able to reach a goal and gives you permission to feel pity on yourself.  You set goals for you, not for person ‘A’, ‘B’ or ‘C’.  

Boredom, loneliness, annoyance or frustration with others is inevitable so we set ourselves up for failure if we adopt a conditional attitude as above.

Instead, we need to accept that there will be obstacles, challenges and, of course, setbacks. This is a journey... keep on going and you will reap the benefits.

Bring on 2013 I say, and everything it has for me. I will make changes in my life; I will face setbacks, reach goals and achievements, fight the good fight, and continue on the path set out before me.

Living with HIV, many of us have often thought about the day we say farewell to our loved ones and friends. I know I have thought of this many times, especially when I was very sick and in hospital. I went through a stage that I did think it was it, and I sure didn’t want it to BE it. I hadn’t lived the life I wanted to live. I always thought “tomorrow I’ll do something different. Next year will be better. I will change my life direction real soon. There is still time. I’m too tired today, but starting tomorrow I will be a different person.”

What would they say about you? Have ever considered writing your own obituary? Don’t you want to have the final word?

Beaudelaire once said that “true self-worth is the ability to hold two contradictory thoughts simultaneously without losing your mind”. I have felt the same on occasion crying myself through heartbreaking issues, while also being angry with those who didn’t understand.

We live a fine line between good and evil, in both wanting acceptance, and judging those who refuse or are too blind to provide it.

J.D Meier’s book ‘Getting results the agile way’ talks about setting yourself up for the opportunity to think about how you’d like to be remembered and immediately take stock of your life goals and where you are in making them reality.

We all need a good cry once in a while. It’s in our DNA. Too often we stop the tears to the point that we become too afraid of what would happen if and when we did allow ourselves to cry, sob, grieve and break.

I decided to write my own obituary a while ago. You will ask yourself why on earth I would do such a thing. It’s simple. Allowing yourself the permission to think about death, especially your own, is healthy. It allows you the opportunity, a chance, to evaluate and clear the clouds in our life and focus on what really matters and is important to you. It also gives you a new outlook on what we're doing with the time we have and if it’s what we really want to be doing with it.

Also, wouldn’t you want some input into what people are going to say about the person you were? I came up with some common questions to consider:

• How would I like to be described?
• What am I proud of?
• What facts are important?
• Whom and what did I leave behind?
• What exists because I was here?
• What were my talents and how did I share them?
• Who am I grateful for?
• Who do I want to know I've gone and how shall they be notified?

Funnily enough, the first things that came to my mind were things such as bank account numbers and details, general and computer passwords, email contacts and details telling people where to find my important records and files. I also added a special note for a close friend to do a little clearing out of some of my belongings before family members got a hold of my house. (There are things that mums should never see or know about relating to their son), which bills should be paid and commitments to be changed.

Give it a go. Try the following. Firstly write a true account of your life to date. No one needs to see it. This is for you personally to begin with. If you feel more courageous, ask a close friend or family member to write one for you and who you trust to tell it how it is.

Read it over and ask yourself some basic questions; if I die today, would I die happy? What’s missing from my life? What is missing from my obituary?

Next step is to take it to a new level by writing your fantasy obituary. In this one include all the things you wish you had done, the experiences you wish you had.

Finally compare the 2. Are they very different? You’re not dead yet, so get out there and start making changes that you need to so that you can “live up” to your fantasy obituary.

For me it was like a spiritual process. A manual or guide for those I left behind. It also helped me make a life check on where I am and where I want to be, setting realistic goals in achievable chunks. It was in no way a bucket list for my life, it was an awakening.

For some people it will simply be a list of facts that may not be commonly known to everyone. For other it could simply be a reassurance that you lived a life with no regrets. There will be some who want to share a meaningful poem or inspirational quote that formed you into the person you are. Then there are those who want to end it with humour, for example, “a cigarette may shorten your life by two minutes, a beer may shorten your life by four minutes, but a day working in a job you loathe shortens your life by eight hours".

Take the challenge. It’s surprising how you actually feel afterwards. You may even be surprised that your life is in fact more full of things you always wished for than you allow yourself to believe. It’s a great time to reflect on you and note to yourself that at the end of the day, you really do matter.