Sister Sero Positivo, revered agony aunt to the openly gay and HIV positive Hollywood fraternity (still looking for new members) gives her unqualified opinions on how to be a better plusser and how to deal with the problems of not letting the bastards grind you down in a negative world. With over fifty years of theatre, spa and backroom experience, she sheds new light on everyday issues and frankly doesn’t give a monkey’s toss what you think about it.
I recently bought a state of the art new laptop which can do everything including barking at burglars. It cost a small fortune. Now I’m not a possessive chauvinist that won’t let his partner use my toys (the sex drawer proves that!) but being a caring, sharing liberal is giving me heartburn. The problem is that Jimmy is computer-illiterate and in his search for free porn, he’s allowed every bug and virus known to Microsoft to invade my system. It’s like letting a blind man cross the street without a cane or a guide dog. He gives me those puppy-dog eyes when I berate him for being so careless and have to spend the next five hours de-bugging the machine but we do end up having fantastic ‘apology’ sex in which he does things he wouldn’t dream of if he wasn’t feeling so guilty. I have a suspicion that he’s learning useful new skills on the porn sites but it’s still driving me bat-shit crazy. What can I do?
I agree, asking the porn-addicted to do safe-surfing is a bit like asking a barebacker to think twice…they know they should but get taken up in the moment. Reading what you write, I have a suspicion that you won’t have a working computer in a few weeks’ time so urgent action is necessary. You can either get a browser child lock with an encrypted password to curb his sex surfing but then you’re inhibiting his learning development when it comes to pleasing you in bed: or you can buy him the cheapest pc you can find and install every virus scanner and malware protection you can find, with settings to automatically protect. Then let him surf himself silly and enjoy the benefits but I suspect he’ll still click his way into hacker’s heaven and be infected with all sorts of nasty bugs. At least they’ll be digital and not physical: you don’t want him wandering off to try things in the real world now do you!
During rampant sex with my boyfriend last night, when I was fucking for England, I realized he was reading his texts over my shoulder. Should I have taken his phone and used it as a butt plug? I find it a tad disrespectful to say the least!
Seems a bit of a waste of a smart phone to me; anyway he might enjoy the vibrations. Texts and tweets are by definition very short, so maybe he was distracting himself so that he didn’t orgasm too soon (which is a huge compliment if you think about it!) After all, your ‘fucking for England’ deserves a better response than a sticky premature ejaculation. My partner has a photo of Madonna without make-up on the bedside table; a sure-fire delaying tactic and personally, I can never get off if I picture any Ru Paul Drag Race contestant you like, having naked sex.
I’m 55, short of stature and am not Mother Nature’s most beautiful creation. I haven’t been blessed with the largest endowment and on top of all that I’m (pretty much accidentally) HIV positive, so needless to say, finding a sympathetic partner in my own area hasn’t been easy. It’s been nigh on impossible actually; except for in the darker corners, where everybody’s a stud!
I’ve turned to overseas ‘Swap a Visa for a Bridegroom’ sites and have found that some of them are very appealing. To my astonishment, they find me appealing too and are not put off by my ‘shortcomings’ at all. Maybe Third World people are more tolerant and accepting or just plain nicer. Either way, it seems a win-win situation to me. What would your advice be?
You’re not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree are you honey? Never mind, I get where you’re coming from and a warm body next to you in bed at night, is an oasis in the desert for many folks. I say go for it, although as always when buying stuff on the Internet, let the buyer beware! You have to choose carefully. They probably all seem to have general pleasantness and a willingness to please at first sight, plus an inability to speak your language may turn out to be a blessing in disguise later. However, do your cultural research beforehand because once they’ve got you as a partner, flying hissy fits can explode out of the most innocent misunderstandings. It may be wise to choose one that’s sero-compatible and can prove it (saves misunderstandings due to the language problem and possible law suits later). You should also take all the photos you’ve got to the airport and check very carefully that what you’ve ordered is what you get. If not, a quick word with the nearest customs officer may get you out of a tangle. Exchange no serious money until you've checked the goods for good working order and remember if they vomit when they spot you in the arrivals hall, it may not be the result of a bumpy flight. Finally sweetie, if the ‘bride’ you’ve ordered is an ‘out-of-this-world but down-on-his-luck’ hunk in his 20s, he may not be just here for love and affection. Joint bank accounts and wills in his name are not to be advised. Otherwise, have a ball and let me know how you get on.
My long-term partner and I have a thing for role-playing during sex. We’re both Positive and have had horny sessions pretending to be doctors giving us the ‘positive’ results and then supplying pity sex to make it better; barebackers where one’s forced to wear two condoms at once and the other a female condom inside (our version of c.b.t) or a twisted version of True Blood, where all the characters have HIV (lots of variety there…faves when I’m Joe Manganiello and he’s Alexander Skarsgård, again and again!) Problem is, we’re running out of ideas and need some help. Any ideas?
Sounds like you’ve both got great imaginations at play there. It’ll be difficult topping Alexander Skarsgård and the sympathetic HIV doctor (well, maybe not!) How about being Russian Secret Police turning over a secret gay orgy and being ‘persuaded’ to join in; or American Evangelists being gang raped in Uganda; or Act-Up activists breaking in to an all-male, Tea Party caucus; or even Sarah Palin and hubby Todd on a quiet Alaskan Tuesday night (go for it; seek out your inner kinky!)
Coming down from all those fiery theatrics and taking a break may be a problem. You could pretend to be a chubby, middle aged man who’d rather go to a local LGBT committee meeting than have sex (I get out of lots of obligations that way), or even take on the role of Angela Merkel in her SM dominatrix role: ’You vant to see my Brandenburger Gate big boy?’. There are lots of ways to get your partner to suddenly visit his mother for a few days but judging by your letter, I think I want to come and play…please can I come round and play?
I’m a Poz activist and often go on marches, give out leaflets and use a megaphone whenever the opportunity arises. I love it and love sticking it to the system ‘cos then I know I’m doing something useful. My parents know all about it and stand at the side of the road cheering me on. However my wimp of a husbear refuses to have anything to do with it and cringes whenever he sees me on the local news. His family don’t even know he’s gay, never mind HIV+ so of course, the inevitable happened the other day and I ran into his parents while they were shopping. I was wearing my pink leather G-string, my studded harness with forty two buttons and a gorge feather boa and to my astonishment they got really prissy and threatened to make a scene. I had to put them right of course but now my partner is threatening divorce! How do I get him to grow a pair and fight for the cause?
So Danny, you’re a cause queen. Nothing wrong with that of course; we need to educate the great unwashed but I think you may be confusing fighting for the cause with fighting for fashion fuck-up of the year. How could you possibly think a feather boa appropriate attire for a protest march? What if it had rained! You’d look like you had a drowned ferret around your neck. Tsk,tsk, attention to detail darling; fix the little things. Talking of little things; judging by the photo you sent me, I wonder if your husbear is thinking of divorcing you because he can’t find it any more under all the folds! Another fashion faux-pas I’m afraid; if you can’t fill the G-string it don’t belong on the chello…know what I mean? As for the parents, you could send them a thirty page thesis on why activism is relevant in the hetero-fascist world of 2013 but I have a feeling they may not appreciate your subtlety. I’m a qualified divorce lawyer by the way (if Google has translated the Portuguese properly) so give me a call when it all goes arse-up.
My boyfriend wants to take me to a Poz party but I’m scared stiff. We’re both Poz and have told each other we’ve always been monogamous but I know I’ve played away at least twice and am also sure he’s done the same but they’ve been solo ventures. It’s the idea of being naked amongst lots of other guys that scares me – I’m not exactly an Adonis (think stick insect meets Kate Moss) and he’s both hairy and muscular. My only advantage is that I’m really well-endowed and he’s more of the picnic sausage variety. I don’t really want him to go to this sort of thing anyway, with or without me but have to admit, the idea does turn me on. What should I do?
Well if you’re scared stiff that’s a start! Sounds like you two will make an interesting double act if you plan it right. I don’t know why you’re worrying; if you’re big bratwurst and he’s a little chipolata, you’re going to win hands down at an all-male, priapic, poz party. You could wear a paper bag over your head and a Miss Piggy costume and you’ll get more action than him. Believe me, his best bet is if he sticks with you, ’cos on his own he’d better have the cutest tushy and legs-in-the-air staying power, or he’s going to have very little fun at all. People can only run their fingers through luscious chest hair and squeeze a bicep or two for so long before they want to get down to the business end of things. I would go if I were you; you’re going to get the biggest ego boost of your life and he’s going to regret ever bringing the subject up and if you don’t want to do it again; he certainly won’t either…win, win for you sweetie.
Finally dears; as the immortal Bette Midler once said:
“Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke!”