Most people know I’ve taken on a dare as part of The Stephen Lewis Foundation’s Dare Campaign. An individual or group takes on a dare in order to raise money for the great work in Africa that the foundation does. Get the background here on how I got doing stand-up comedy as my dare. To donate and get me past my target you can support me here.
Even with the crazy stuff I've done in the past......just look at the main photo, a still taken out of my "contest" winning video for tickets to see Kathy Griffin, I still am nervous as can be about Jan 18th, performance night.
I decided to partially lose my stand-up virginity to do a set at my friend Brenda Lennie's open mic at The Augusta House in Hamilton last night. I consider it going to second base, which is oral now.
I’d never seen an open mic go off the rails like this one had. It was a full moon night. I had gone to the washroom a few seconds after the comic told this couple in the audience who were interrupting all the time to fuck themselves. By the time I came back the owner ran up and shut the mic off on the guy - and the show was over.
Fortunately I was up a few comics before that drama played out.
My worst fear began just after I got up to the mic. I did my little explanation of what the dare is about and what The Stephen Lewis Foundation is. (I’m shocked when people don’t know it).
But then trying to segue into comedy took me for a complete loop. All the stuff I thought of to try to use to transition went completely out of my fucking head. I’m in stand up mode right now so I’m writing a lot of swearing. Which is how I got them all on my side.
I took the mic in one hand, and started to lean on the stand with my other hand and began to explain that I've done a lot of public speaking, but never before been able to swear. And since I was going to do Spirits (the comedy club in Toronto) and won't be able to swear as much as I could last night, I just let fly out all the filthiest words I could think of, including “See You Next Tuesday” If I have to explain that one to you, don’t ask, just google it.
Never in my life had I said that before on a stage, and it felt great. So I’ll have to warn The Stephen Lewis Foundation that since this is a much cheaper form of therapy I may have to do it again, less one or two words.
I leapt into my MAC Cosmetics stuff, and here I thought I was losing everyone, but apparently I wasn't. I did my bit about boyfriends who come to the counter with the girlfriends who are almost jacking themselves off while they help pick out “the perfect shade of red”. Cause you know all they’re thinking about is that lipstick, and her lips wrapped around their dick.
I’m a bit traditional, but I consider these private moments.
Not feeling like I had them, I leapt into my other topic. You know when you start comedy you shouldn't go too bold, so I brought up gay porn…….in Hamilton.
My friends were warning me, “Do you think you should do that in - you know - like, steel town?”
I knew before I got up that it was probably going to go over well. Just after arriving Ihad sat down with a couple of the other comics. I admit it, I felt like I was one of the cool kids, I was with the comics.
I get asked by one, “so are you one of the comics?”
“I don’t know, we’ll see after tonight.”
After I told him I was doing stuff about gay porn, he was totally excited. Zak went to the other comics telling him, “that guy there is doing stuff on gay porn…”
I worked out my therapy on how at times I really hate Facebook. I'll leave that for the stage.
I did my shtick on gay porn leaving out most of what was in my head. But what I could remember to pull out had them laughing.
My comic friends told me I did a great first time job. Jim Maxwell told me it was the best first time he’d ever seen. Of course I remember the fear, the forgetting everything. Nonetheless, every comic shook my hand and said good job, even the owner of the bar, the one who cut the mic off of the last comic.
I did look a bit like a deer caught in headlights, but hey I can live with that. I have big eyes, and when I do public speaking I look out and directly into people’s eyes. I can live with it, so what if I’m doing a Ramona imitation from The Housewives of New York on the runway. I could be doing worse.
Plus I’ll have my Botox by then so hopefully you won’t be able to see the total look of horror on my face.